


Lessons Unexpected

by AlexisDanaan



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-08
Updated: 2013-02-08
Packaged: 2017-11-28 14:10:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 22
Words: 75,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/675277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlexisDanaan/pseuds/AlexisDanaan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella's life has been vampire free for 4 years and she's content with that. That is, until a vampire walks calmly back into her life. Can Bella accept the lessons life is trying to teach her? Or is her life to be dictated by her past?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to EdwardsChipper who pre-read this baby an eon ago.

"Bella!"

The young woman behind the bar sighed and threw down the rag that she was using to clean the bar top. An idiot freshman, clearly already drunk, had stumbled in, bitched and moaned about not being able to get any service since he couldn't provide any identification. After a lengthy argument about how she could not possibly serve him any booze—since she knew for a fact that he was under the legal age limit—he promptly vomited all over the corner of the bar and down the front of his top.

"Little busy here, Joe!" she called back, grabbing a fresh rag to clean up the vomit.

 _I do not get paid enough for this shit,_ she thought to herself as she wet the rag with hot water and it burned her skin.

"I need you out on the floor!" Joe, the owner of Down Dog's Cafe & Bar and her boss stuck his head through the doorway that led to the back rooms.

"Well then _you_ come clean up frat boy's upchuck, will ya?" she called back, wetting the cloth with disinfectant and beginning to wipe down the polished wood surface.

"Upchuck?" Joe questioned, coming out from the back room where he did whatever managers do, "Have you been serving under agers?"

"Jesus Christ, Joe!" Bella said, "Of course not! I was explaining all the reasons why I couldn't serve him when his already drunk ass vomited everywhere. His friends took him outta here. Ten bucks says you'll find him in the alley outback heaving his guts onto the concrete."

"Oh," Joe said, watching as she threw yet another soiled rag into the bucket at her feet. "Well, at least he's outta here. When you're done can you please hit the floor for a bit?"

Bella sighed, "And who's going to cover the bar?"

"Well, you could..." Joe gestured with his hands between the bar and the crowded floor.

"I could, what? Tend both? Be in two places at once?" Bella questioned, one eyebrow raised in disbelief.

"Bella, you know we're short staffed tonight!" Joe said, almost whined.

Bella threw the last of her cleaning instruments into the bucket and picked it up, "Yeah, only because you haven't hired anyone to fill Sebastian's position yet!" She shook her head in disgust and pushed past her boss. "You don't pay me enough for this bullshit, Joe."

She knew that Joe would not follow her into the back, he wasn't very good at confrontation and Bella was all about standing up for herself these days. She didn't back down from anyone, not even the man who signed off on her cheques. She brought the bucket over to the linen bag that held the aprons, towels and rags that the staff used and dumped her disgusting lot into it. The bag would be sent out to an industrial cleaner and sent back fresh and clean. It was a small mercy that she didn't have to clean out the vomit covered rags herself.

When she was done she cleaned her hands and headed out to the floor, grabbing a pen and pad while she was at it. Evenings at Down Dog's often involved complicated orders from the usually inebriated clientele. The establishment functioned as a cafe during the daytime—serving sandwiches, soups and various caffeinated beverages—and a bar during the evenings. It was a real hit amongst the student population. Bella had secured a job there through the student union despite the fact that she had no experience as a server or bar tender prior to working for Joe. It wasn't like there were bars aplenty in Forks, her sleepy home town.

Bella saw a hand shoot up from a corner where several students had pushed together a few tables and piled it high with drinks. She walked over and got her pen out.

"Can I top you guys up?" she asked.

She took their order and ran back to the bar, where several people were waiting—surprisingly patient considering that they had been drinking—and filled all the orders. She spent the next three hours doing just that; running between the floor and the bar, trying to make sure everyone was served while keeping an eye on how drunk her patrons were getting. Her feet were sore, the ache spreading up through her calves and into her back. She had a massive headache brewing behind her eyes, which was not helped by the pounding dance music that poured from the huge speakers above her head, and what she really wanted was to go home, curl up with a cup of tea and fall asleep watching infomercials.

Bella was counting down the minutes to last call when she realized that the garbage bins behind the bar were almost over flowing. Sighing, she tied them up and headed for the back entrance where she could throw them in the dumpster. She called out the Joe, letting him know that he had to man the bar for a few minutes and shouldered her way through the metal door. The night air hit her hard, her breath frosted in her face and her skin pimpled. Alaska was never the place she had expected to find herself but, as Bella had learned the hard way, things in life rarely turned out the way you expected or wanted.

Quickly, she made her way over to the dumpster, trying not to slip over the trodden and packed snow. She had just thrown her bags in the dumpster when she turned around and saw the shape of a person slinking around the alley way. She wouldn't have thought anything of it—people cut through the alley way all the time, especially drunk people seeking a quiet place to puke or pee—except for the fact that she got an inexplicable chill down her spine as she watched the tall form disappear from view. Bella briefly considered putting the sensation down to the fact that she was standing outside in the middle of an Alaskan night in nothing but a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that barely covered her midriff, but she knew better. She would never know if it was simple human stupidity that drove her or something more akin to fate—and Bella wasn't sure she liked the idea of a predestined fate—but nothing would change the fact that she followed the mysterious form knowing that whatever awaited her was probably not the friendly type.

She tried to move quickly and quietly, her feet crunching slightly on the unpacked snow. She had just reached the mouth of the alley way when she heard the first sign that her instinct had been right on the money. Someone made a sound, a small cry of surprise, quickly muffled. There was the sound of something being dragged and then all movement, all sound stopped.

"I know you're there."

Bella's stomach lurched. That voice rang with a cold familiarity, but she had to be hearing things. She would chalk it up to wishful thinking, if the owner of that voice were desired at all, but that wasn't the case and hadn't been for nearly four years. She had to be mistaken, she had to be.

 _Only one way to find out,_ she told herself.

Steeling her nerves, she stepped out from the alley way and onto the quiet street.

She could have never prepared herself for what she saw.

Standing here, holding a young man by the throat, was none other than Jasper Cullen.

He had changed his appearance a bit, how she was not sure, but his hair was darker—the exact shade hard to tell in the dim lighting—and he wore clothing that Alice wouldn't have deemed fit to be on a homeless person. Of course, Bella reasoned with herself, Alice was rather particular about these kinds of things. He wore a beat up leather jacket over some sort of dark shirt, his jeans were loose on his body and ripped at the knees. He had some sort of boots on and Bella had the strange thought that they were probably cowboy boots, though she could not tell from the angle at which he stood.

"Jasper," she whispered, her eyes locked on his face.

He did not turn to look at her; he did not even acknowledge that she was standing there. His eyes were locked on the young man before him, a young man who was barely conscious and only staying upright because of Jasper's grip on him.

"Jasper, what are you doing here? What are you doing with him?" Bella asked, though she had a sinking feeling that she already knew the answer.

Jasper bared his teeth, his face moving ever so closer to the young man's. "What do you think, Bella? Or have you forgotten what I am?"

"I have not forgotten. I also seem to remember that your choice of diet was somewhat different. That seems to have changed," her words were bolder than she felt. She knew that Jasper could feel that and wondered if he would act on it.

Instead, Jasper let out a humourless chuckle and finally turned his head to face her.

Bella gasped. She had never seen such a cruel and...inhuman look on his face. His eyes were narrowed to slits, his lip curled and his teeth bared. He had never looked more like a vampire and Bella felt another shiver pass through her.

"You remember things rather differently than I do. That is no surprise, your humanity blinds you to much in this world."

"Then enlighten me," Bella said, taking a step forward and keeping her eyes locked on Jasper.

She knew that she was gambling with her life. This was the same vampire who would have chowed down on her nearly four years prior on her 18th birthday; and now that same vampire was holding an innocent young man by the throat, possibly suffocating him, and was fully prepared to make a meal out of him. There was little standing between her and death, she knew that. But she also knew that out of the two of them—her or the man—she had the greater chance of walking away from this alive. At least she was conscious enough to bargain, and she had a history with this vampire, something that she was hoping would see her through this little interaction.

"Enlighten you?" Jasper's tone sounded incredulous as he turned away from the young man and faced Bella completely, "Enlighten you? You cannot be enlightened. You are the source of my goddamn problems, the beginning of the fucking end."

"That's a little harsh considering _you're_ the reason why I was abandoned in Forks," Bella said immediately. The old anger filled her swiftly and completely; it's reappearance heralded the end of her sanity.

Jasper moved with the speed and agility of a vampire; so quickly that Bella could not see him until he was right in front of her, grabbing her by the throat and slamming her into the wall. She heard more than saw him throw the young man aside before she felt his cold hand clench tightly around her neck. The brick wall bit painfully into the back of her head as her human skull bounced off of it but she found that Jasper had not yet decided to kill her since she could breathe perfectly.

" _You_ are the reason why you were abandoned in Forks. _You_ are the reason why I am what you see before you. I blame _you_ ," he spat, his beautiful and terrifying face mere centimetres from hers.

Bella knew that he felt her fear, her alarm, and yet he had not done anything to intensify it. With that in mind, her heart pounding furiously in her chest, she reached up and grabbed his face in her hands. Exuding pressure on his jaw, to let him know that she wished for him to tilt his face, she examined him for the first time in four years. She didn't know why he allowed her to take the liberties that she did, especially since it was painfully clear that he blamed her for the fiasco known as her birthday, but he followed the slight pressure of her fingers as she tilted his face this way and that. The dim light from the street light behind her illuminated his face so that she could see him clearly.

His eyes glowed red, a sure sign of his new choice in lifestyle, but it was not the colour in his eyes that grabbed her attention immediately.

It was the pain.

"Your decisions are your own. I take no responsibility for who or what you have become since I saw you four years ago. I am responsible only for my own actions," she hesitated, staring into his furious and hurt red eyes, "but if any of my actions have hurt you, then I am more sorry than you could ever know."

She dropped her hands from his face and looked down, his hand around her throat would not allow her to move her face away from his, but she could no longer stand to look him in the eyes. Her words, brave considering her position, didn't stop the fact that she felt guilt raging through her. The last she had seen of Jasper he had been snapping at her face, trying desperately to get at her, and yet he said that she was the one to blame. She knew, rationally, that she could not be blamed for being human and accidentally bleeding in front of him—it wasn't like she had meant to do it—but the Jasper she had known had always been a rational being, rational and logical to the very extreme. If he blamed her for something then she had to reason that he was right—even if she was unaware for what she was to blame—and if she had caused him pain then she truly was sorry.

"I do not need your pity," he growled at her, tightening his grip on her neck.

"You must be getting rusty because I feel no pity for you," Bella said, looking at his face once again as her airway was constricted ever so slightly.

"I'm an empath Bella, you can lie to me, but your emotions cannot. You feel sorry for me, I can feel it!"

"Funny thing, being an empath, isn't it? If only you could combine your gift with Edward's and we'd have a real winner on our hands, wouldn't we?" Bella gasped out, it was becoming harder and harder to breath as Jasper continued to constrict her airways.

His eyebrows shot up and his grip stilled at the mention of his brother's name.

"You can feel my emotions, Jasper, but you don't know the reasoning behind them," Bella continued, taking advantage of his momentary surprise, "I am sorry for you, yes, not because I pity you, but because I fear that I have played some part in your pain."

All of a sudden Jasper's grip tightened to the point of pain and Bella lost all ability to breath. She began to see white spots dance before her eyes and her hands came up automatically—and futilely—to pull at the cold grip around her throat.

"You know _nothing_!" he growled.

Bella gasped and pulled at the unyielding hand around her throat, willing herself to stay calm despite the fact that her chest was burning and she feared for her life. Her efforts were for nothing; the kind of panic that swallows a human being faced with death is not easily defeated and Bella was no master at staring down death. Sure, she had been pretty sure she was about to die when she went to meet James, but when the moment came she was far too distracted by the pain in her body. Now, there was very little pain compared to back then. Now, there was a terrifying lack of oxygen, a burning in her chest, and fear in her heart. She felt her limbs growing heavy as her vision darkened. She realized, belatedly, that the last thing she would see before she died would be Jasper's angry face, staring into her own. For some reason, that disappointed her.

"Argh! I can't _do this_!" Jasper practically screamed as he released his hold on Bella's throat.

Instantly she dropped to her knees, taking in a deep, painful and ragged breath as she did. Her hands came out to catch her and she found herself on all fours, staring at the toes of Jasper's boots. Cowboy boots; she had been right about his footwear. She wanted to laugh at herself, and would have had she had the breath to do so; of all the stupid things to think of when your life has just been handed back to you.

Suddenly, Jasper was crouching in front of her, his lips next to hear ear, "Stay away from me Bella Swan. I've no need for you to complicate my life once again."

With the speed and grace inherit in his species, Jasper straightened up and turned on his heel. She looked up, watching him cross the street and walk away as if he had been doing nothing but strolling leisurely through the neighbourhood. As she watched his retreating back she felt that same anger rise up in her again, the anger she had worked so hard to let go of four years ago when _he_ had walked away from her, when _they_ had walked away from her.

Jasper was walking away from her, again. Abandoning her. Running.

 _Coward,_ she thought, her blood boiling.

"You _COWARD!_ " she screamed, her throat protesting such violent use so soon after being assaulted.

Jasper didn't pause. He didn't look back. He didn't even acknowledge that he'd heard her.

He just kept walking.


	2. Chapter 2

  
_We've got heaps and heaps of what we sow_ —"Good People" by Jack Johnson

Bella watched as Jasper turned a corner down the street and disappeared from view. She wondered, briefly, why he didn't just run at a speed natural to him but then she heard the telltale groans of a drunk person coming to. Looking over, Bella saw that the young man Jasper had thrown was lying at the base of a concrete cylinder, the kind that prevented cars from mounting the curb. She stood, shakily, and walked over to him. He had a cut to his head and his arm was lying at an unnatural angle—a sign that it was most likely broken. She fished in her jeans for her cell phone and dialled 911 to get an ambulance.

"Police, Fire, or Medical?"

"Medical, please," Bella said, shivering. She waited while she was quickly transferred.

"What is the nature of your emergency?" the voice asked.

Bella explained the situation—sans the vampire that caused the whole disaster—and gave the address of the bar. When the dispatcher assured her that an ambulance was on its way, Bella hung up and called Joe's office, hoping that he would be back in there by now. She didn't feel right leaving this guy on the street, even if he wasn't in any immediate danger, while she went to go tell her boss what was happening. Thankfully, Joe picked up on the fourth ring.

"Down Dog's, Joe speaking," he said.

"Joe, it's Bella. I'm outside, there's been some sort of accident. I found a drunk kid on the sidewalk, he's kinda banged up so I called an ambulance," she said quickly, wanting to cut off any yelling about why she wasn't back inside yet.

"What! Where are you?"

"Out by the alley," she told him, using her free arm to try and rub some feeling back into the one holding her phone to her ear.

"I'm coming out," he said and hung up immediately.

She didn't have to wait long before Joe came striding out from the alley way. He looked around quickly and headed over to her. When he spotted the kid on the ground he let out a curse and crouched down by his head.

"You didn't see him in the bar, understand? He's not one of our customers," Joe said, without looking up at her.

Bella snorted, "First of all, he _wasn't_ one of our customers, as far as I know. Second, I don't think this could possibly be blamed on us."

"Of course it could Bella, he looks like he's under age!" Joe said, tilting his head to get a better look of the unconscious kid's face.

"Tons of kids come into the bar already drunk from pre-drinking at whoever's house they came from, so wha—" Bella stopped as the sound of sirens reached their ears.

Seconds later an ambulance, followed by two police cruisers, came tearing around the corner. As Bella spied the police cars her heart plummeted. She had forgotten about that aspect; they would want a statement from her, especially since the kid was pretty roughed up. She felt the pounding in her head, something she had forgotten about while Jasper had his hand clamped around her neck, intensify as the flashing lights drew closer.

 _So much for a hot cup of tea and some infomercials,_ Bella thought to herself.

**OOOOOOOO**

"Chrissy? Danny? I'm home," Bella called as she stepped into her shared apartment and slid her aching feet out of her black runners.

"Bout time! I was about to send the boys in blue out looking for you," Chrissy, her roommate, came striding out of her bedroom and into the living room.

"No thanks, once a night is plenty for me," Bella said, shrugging out of her coat and flopping down onto the couch.

"What? The cops showed up at the bar? Under agers?" Chrissy asked, sitting down beside her and pulling one of Bella's sore feet into her lap.

"Not exact—Ohhh," Bella groaned, half in pleasure, half in pain, as Chrissy started to work the arch of her foot with a purposeful thumb. "Have I told you lately that I love you?"

Chrissy laughed, "Oh, I know you do dollface, now tell me why the po-po were at DD's?"

Bella gave Chrissy the Cole's Notes* version of the nights events, explaining only that she had found an inebriated young man passed out on the sidewalk outside of Down Dog's and that he seemed to have gotten hurt pretty badly. Chrissy took the news in stride, it really wasn't all that shocking, considering that they lived in a student dominated area. They may live in Alaska, generally considered the middle of nowhere America, but that didn't mean that college students didn't over indulge in alcohol and other illegal "evening enhancements". As Chrissy finished up with Bella's foot and grabbed for the other, she proceeded to tell her all about her day since they had not seen each other since that morning. As Chrissy talked, Bella watched her without really listening.

Chrissy had been one of the first friends that Bella had made when she decided to come to Alaska Fairbanks University. They had lived in the same student residence in their first year and had bonded over bowls of Lucky Charms and the fact that they both had insane roommates. Chrissy was a Canadian, and therefore an international student, who had accepted Alaska Fairbanks in a desperate bid to get as far away from her over bearing step mother. She figured that running to another country—albeit one that shared borders with her own—was sufficient. She was wrong. Her father and step mother had called and visited more times than Bella's own over protective cop father, Charlie.

Danny, her other roommate, had sat beside Bella during the first week of her 17th Century British Literature class and made the ultimate mistake of saying that Milton's Paradise Lost should have been thrown in the "rubbish bin". They had argued about it so heatedly that they had not noticed when the professor came in and tried to start the class. It wasn't until the professor, a little old lady, had yelled at them to "shut the hell up" that they noticed everyone was staring at them. They had been glued together at the hip ever since. Chrissy, Danny and Bella had grown closer throughout their first year and decided to move in together for their second year as none of them wanted to repeat the experience of student residence life; while Bella and Chrissy had merely had roommates with odd quirks and occasionally annoying habits, Danny had had a horrible experience as his first roommate turned out to be a homophobic idiot—which didn't go over well with an openly gay Danny.

So as she sat there, letting the soft voice of her roommate wash over her, Bella couldn't help but worry about the safety of her roommates. She couldn't deny that vampires were back in her life, whether she wanted it or not, and she didn't know what that meant for her or for those around her. Would Jasper track her down? He had said that he wanted her to stay away from him, but did that mean he planned on staying away from her? With his new diet, anything was possible. But what could she do? Tell them to lock the doors? She knew better than anyone that nothing could really keep a vampire from killing you except perhaps another vampire. She wasn't even sure on how that could be accomplished; Edward had once told her that he would take her away, hide her from James so that she would be safe, but he had never deigned to explain how he planned on doing that.

 _Of course he wouldn't_ , she thought bitterly, _Why would Edward explain anything to silly little Bella?_

Bella sighed inwardly at the thought. Besides the obvious side effect of Jasper being back in her life—the little fact that he was hunting humans again—she had to contend with all of the emotions and memories that she had hoped had been put to rest. Apparently she had been wrong. She reflected on how easily Jasper's presence had brought back the old rage that she felt towards all of the Cullens, but especially towards Edward. It had taken her a long time before she could even _think_ his name, let alone say it. It was a hard won battle, but it was something that she had won nonetheless and she was determined that she would not fall back into those old habits. She would not become Zombie Bella again, she would not bow down under the pain and anger of abandonment, she would not let a Cullen control her life, directly or indirectly, ever again.

"Helloooo?" Chrissy waved her hand in front of Bella's face, distracting her from her depressing line of thought.

"Yeah, sorry, I spaced for a moment there."

"Clearly, what were you thinking about? The condition of the economy? Neo-Nazis? You had this horrible scowl on your face, it wasn't your prettiest moment," Chrissy chuckled.

Bella rolled her eyes, "No, just thinking about the bullshit at the bar. You know, Joe being his skint self. He still won't hire a replacement for Sebastian, you know? He had me working the floor and the bar tonight, at the same time!"

"What an arse," Chrissy said. Bella smiled at the phrase that rolled easily off of her tongue.

"I know. But he pays. And I have to go back tomorrow, so I'm going to hit the sack," Bella said, getting up, "Thanks for the foot rub, sweets."

"No problem," Chrissy said, following Bella as they headed for their respective rooms.

"See you in the morning dollface," Chrissy called as she went back into her room.

Bella went through her night time routine, washing, brushing and changing. As she climbed into bed, rolled over and hugged her pillow to her chest, she couldn't help but wondering where Jasper was...and what he was doing.

**OOOOOOOO**

The next morning was bright and clear, for Alaska's standards at least, which meant that it was cloudy and bitterly cold. Bella had discovered that, much like the damp and cloudy weather of Forks had grown on her, so had the climate of Alaska. After three and a half years, she was finally used to wearing almost half her wardrobe when she went outside. Charlie had been extremely had been extremely shocked when she decided on Alaska Fairbanks as her university of choice; he had tried, pleaded with her really, to convince her to choose another university, one closer to home, like the University of Washington. But Bella had already made up her mind by that point. She remembered the moment when she knew she realized that she wanted to go somewhere as remote and practically foreign as Alaska: she had already gotten a couple of offers of admission from a few of the university's that she applied to but the day that the acceptance from Alaska Fairbanks arrived was the same day that she heard from Arizona State.

Bella had only applied to Arizona State for her mother's memory. It had been Rene's wish that Bella would return to Arizona and attend school there so that they could see more of each other again. It wasn't meant to be; Rene and Phil were killed in a freak accident mere months after Bella's 18th birthday. When she looked back on that year she often thought of it as the year she lost all remnants of her innocence. She had felt so alone in a town where she had never really bothered to make friends with anyone besides the Cullens and perhaps Angela Weber. When the Cullens left she didn't really want to make any other friends, she just wanted to stew in her own misery. By the time she was ready to try she had already burned her bridges and very few people wanted anything to do with the moody and miserable Bella Swan. That's when the news of her mother's death came and she began to believe that the universe was out to get her. She managed to get through her last year of high school and graduate with good grades, though she's not sure exactly how that managed to happen since she was like the walking dead most of the time. She rarely slept, for fear of the nightmares, she had very little in the way of appetite and she lost all will power to even try to appear okay. Jacob Black, the son of her father's best friend, had tried to help her pick up the pieces of her life by dragging her down to the Reservation but not even his friends could stand her silence and her misery for long. She simply couldn't help it at the time. Edward, the man she had been ready to give up her life, her family, her _soul_ for, didn't want her anymore and her crazy, hair brained, best friend of a mother was dead—she had hit rock bottom.

So as she had stared at the two envelopes, one for Alaska, one for Arizona, side by side on her father's shabby kitchen table, she knew that she could never survive going back to Arizona. Everything about it reminded her of her mother; when she closed her eyes she could feel the hot sun on her face, the dry heat of the air around her, hear the crunch of the dry ground under her feet and see the purple tinged mountains in the distance. Her mother had wanted her to go back to that, go back so they could be together. But Bella could never go back, not now. Without opening it, Bella picked up the Arizona State envelope and threw it in the trash. She accepted Alaska Fairbanks that same day and never looked back.

Her days in Alaska were fairly typical and that was something that she treasured. She went to her classes, dozed off or zoned out more often than she took notes, read her text books with actual interest, went to work more often than she hung out with friends and put off doing her laundry for as long as humanly possible. It was all blissfully _normal_. There were no inhumanely beautiful people around, no one rescuing her from speeding vans, no crazy tracker vampires out for her blood. Of course, there was always the possibility that Victoria would come looking for her one day, but so far her life had been perfectly free of anything that glittered in the sunlight.

And then Jasper showed up and ruined her perfect track record.

Bella sighed as she scratched out a sentence and began re-writing what the professor was saying. He had a habit of contradicting himself when he wasn't paying attention to what he was currently saying. That or he would suddenly say, "No, wait, I was wrong, scratch that." And so they did, scratch it, that is.

Bella had had a piss poor attention span today, from the moment she walked out of her house she had felt like she was being watched. She wasn't fool enough to think that she wasn't. Apparently Jasper was a hypocrite. He could demand that _she_ stay away from him, but he couldn't extend the same courtesy? The hair on the back of her neck stood up and she was once again reminded that she was under surveillance. She had had no luck in spotting Jasper while she walked around campus but this was the first time she had felt watched inside of a classroom. Perhaps she would be able to get a look at him now.

Without moving her head, Bella let her eyes roam the classroom, or what little of it she could see. She could not seem to spot Jasper, so she lifted her head slowly and broadened her scope. She swept over the classroom once before she spotted him one row behind her but several seats to the right. She had to hand it to him, he could blend in perfectly. He was dressed like your typical student, he even had a t-shirt with the Student Union's logo on it and a backpack on the seat beside him. Of course, no one wanted to sit beside him, and for good reason.

Bella took a moment to glare at Jasper, though he didn't turn his head to look at her and his eyes remained on the professor, she knew he was watching her as much as she was watching him. She rolled her eyes and turned back to her paper. Pitching her voice so low that no one in the surrounding seats would hear her, she muttered, "You are un-fucking-believable."

She thought that she heard him chuckle but she was distracted by the vibrating at her hip. Her cell phone was buzzing with a text message. Frowning, she pulled it out. Who would text her when they knew she was in class?

_**You're one to talk.** _

The number was displayed but it wasn't one that she recognized and it took her brain a second to process the message in the text.

Somehow, Jasper had her cell phone number.

 _Well, if that isn't more than a little creepy_ , she thought to herself as she responded.

**How did you get this number?**

Bella double checked that her phone was indeed on vibrate, though she knew that it was, and waited for his response. It didn't take nearly as long as it should have had he been a human.

_**It's not hard to break into your apartment, you know. From there it was a simple matter of going through your roommate's cell phone and find your number. She's a lovely looking girl by the way. Smells divine.** _

Bella read the text and felt her heart speed up as her gut churned in sudden anxiety. _Would Jasper go after Chrissy? He is drinking humans now, after all. What's to stop him?_

**Your actions are rather contradictory when compared to your parting words of last night. Care to explain?**

Bella hoped, beyond hoped, that Jasper would take the bait and steer the conversation away from Chrissy. She knew that he wouldn't forget her but it wasn't like she wanted him to dwell on her any more than he already had. She heard the ghost of his chuckle again but it didn't make her smile. It made her shiver. There was no joy in that laughter.

_**Gotta scrounge up dinner somewhere, don't I?** _

Bella shot up in her seat as she read the text and some of the students around her peered at her curiously. She didn't know how to take that. Was that a threat to her life, or to the lives of the students around her? It didn't matter, did it? She couldn't knowingly let Jasper start preying on her fellow classmates. There may not be much that she could do physically but perhaps she could deter him through other means.

**Go somewhere else. You know that you'll attract too much attention here. This is a small town, you'd devastate the crime rate and I think someone is bound to notice that the body lack's any blood.**

Again, she didn't have to wait long for his reply.

_**Who said anything about leaving the body to be found? I'd never be so sloppy.** _

Bella nearly growled aloud with frustration. When had he turned into such an asshole? More importantly, why?

**Is this whole hunting humans thing what you really want to do? I can't help but wonder how Alice would feel, how disappointed she'd be.**

It was a low blow, and she knew it, but she wasn't expecting the angry outburst of growling that accompanied his receipt of the message. She nearly turned around and gaped at him but he didn't give her the opportunity. Before anyone could say anything about his strange behaviour, Jasper stood up, grabbed his bag and marched out of the classroom without a backwards glance.

Bella couldn't help it, she felt a little smug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Coles Notes are the same thing as Cliffs Notes, just the Canadian version.


	3. Chapter 3

  
_Tick, tick, tick, on the watch, life's too short for me to stop_ —"Bulletproof" by La Roux

It wasn't until the end of her school day that Bella started to feel uneasy about how she had blatantly taunted Jasper earlier in the day. It had been on her mind for the rest of the afternoon as she sat in her classes and stared at a blank notepad, thinking of Jasper and the sound of his growls, but wasn't until she was walking towards Down Dog's and she felt eyes on her that she began to wonder if taunting a vampire was really wise. If Jasper wanted to kill her, there really wasn't much she could do about it, could she?

Still, she kept her pace at her usual stroll and tried not to let her heart beat betray her since she had no idea if he was close enough to hear it. She arrived at Down Dog's with ten minutes to spare, which she used to get into her uniform and make herself a cup of tea before starting her shift. She was just adding some milk to her cup when she heard Joe call her name.

"Bella?"

She sighed, finished pouring the milk and put it back in the fridge that held the staff's lunches before reaching for the sugar. She added one large scoop of sugar to her tea and stirred it, glaring down at her mug. She still had three minutes, according to the clock on the wall, and she wasn't about to waste them by answering Joe's summons.

"Bella!" she heard his voice call again, closer this time. "Have you seen Bella?" he asked someone in the hallway. She heard the voice of one of the daytime part-timers tell him that she was in the lunchroom. "Lunchroom" was a bit of a stretch. It was really a back room where the employees had little cubbies to keep their stuff in, you know, like the ones you had in kindergarten, all open concept and shit. There were no locks on them because there were no _doors_ on them. So Bella, despite liking all of her fellow employees, kept all of her shit in her backpack, which had a small lock on the zipper tags. It wasn't Fort Knox by any means, but it was enough of a deterrent that when, last month, everyone's lunches had been stolen, hers had not.

"Bella! Didn't you hear me calling you?" Joe appeared in the "lunchroom", a young man trailing behind him.

"Oh," Bella adopted an innocent face, "I'm sorry Joe, I didn't. I was zoned out. What's up?"

Bella sipped her tea as Joe eyed her speculatively. He probably didn't believe her but she didn't really give a damn, he wouldn't fire her for anything short of murder or theft, she was the best he had and they both knew it. Why? Because she functioned as bartender, barista, cook, waitress and even occasional bouncer. She often wondered why she had never bothered to find a better job where she could have one, maybe two titles.

"This is Patrick, he's going to be filling Sebastian's place and joining you on the bar/floor rotation during the nights. I want you to train him," Joe said, never once gesturing to Patrick or allowing him to step forward to properly greet Bella.

"Okay," Bella said, looking at Patrick over Joe's shoulder, "It's nice to meet you Patrick, my name is Isabella but everyone calls me Bella."

"It's nice to me—" Patrick started to walk around Joe, his hand outstretched and ready to shake but Joe cut him off with an impatient wave of the hand.

"Yes, yes, you can introduce yourselves later, right now I need you," he pointed at Bella, "to find him an apron and a locker and then get out on the floor with him."

"What!" Bella said, putting her tea down, "He's starting training right now? Joe, it's _busy_ during the day! I don't have time to train him now! Have him come in for an evening shift tomorrow, it's a Wednesday so it should be relatively easy on him. I can't train him on bar while making coffee and sandwiches for people!"

Joe sighed, taking on a pained expression as if I were being insufferable, "Yes you can Bella, just have him shadow you throughout the day and show him the bar tricks in between customers! If he stays he'll end up on day shifts anyway so it's better if he learns it now."

"But Joe, I'm the only one on shift for the next four hours! Jaylee doesn't come in un—"

"I _know_ , Bella," Joe sighed again, closed his eyes briefly and when he opened them he attempted to give her a winning smile. She just scowled at him. "Please? Bella, you know you're the only one I'd trust with this."

She continued to scowl at him, knowing that he was trying to win her over with a sweet smile and some half assed compliments. But she had another thing coming for him.

"Fine," she said, still looking thunderous, "but this falls outside of my job description as per the contract I signed when I was first hired here. I want extra pay for the hours that I train him."

Joe's eyebrows shot up into his hairline and he opened his mouth to retort but Bella cut him off with her upheld hand, "Either the extra pay or you find someone else to train him. I am under no obligation to do it."

Joe closed his mouth, thought about it for a minute, then nodded. "Fine, but get out there now!"

He turned and walked out of the lunchroom, obviously pissed off at her. Bella turned to Patrick who was staring at her with something akin to awe.

"You sure you want to work here?"

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Patrick turned out to be pretty decent help. Bella wouldn't go so far as to say that she was happy for his presence, because he still needed a lot of guidance and she was busy as all hell with the dinner rush, but he was pleasant, he made her laugh several times and he had serving experience under his belt—so she let him deal with the taking of the orders.

Students are, in Bella's opinion, a whole different class of human being. They don't function on the same timeline as the rest of the world; everything is either really relaxed, or extremely rushed. There is no such thing as a "sleep pattern" for students because sleep is often found in short bursts in the middle of the afternoon or around 3am after completing an assignment. Food consumption goes downhill as well; students are cheap and live for a bargain. The cheaper the food, the better, even if it tastes like garbage and has little to no nutritional value. If a restaurant offers "unlimited soup and bread with any entree" you'll see students there gorging themselves on soup and bread and getting their meal to go so that they can split it between lunch and dinner the next day*. The one thing that most students are willing to spend their money on is alcohol. They'll eat ramen noodles for a week if it means going to a kegger on Saturday night.

Joe, being the business man that he is, clued in on this little fact early on. Down Dog's was a cheap source of food and coffee during the day, even if the sandwiches were rather boring, and the closest bar to campus during the evenings. In short, it was almost always busy. So Bella found herself running around during the dinner rush, making ham and cheese sandwiches with Chipotle mayo or steaming milk for yet another latte, all while trying to explain to Patrick about how the cash register needed a little smack on the side when the error light turned on or where you could find the extra towels to dry off the mugs and glasses that had just come out of the industrial dish washer. By the time Jaylee came in, she was exhausted and she still had another two hours to go but Bella had never been so happy to see the fellow brunette. She and Jaylee looked similar enough to be cousins, they both had the same rich brown hair and were roughly the same body height and weight but Jaylee's eyes were a clear blue and her features much rounder than Bella's.

"Hey Bella," Jaylee said, coming out from the back room, tying an apron around her waist as she went. "I see we have a new one, how is he doing?"

Bella sighed, "Considering that Joe threw him into the busiest time, I think he'll be just fine once he knows where everything is."

"Well, that's good news," she paused, tying up her hair into a loose pony tail as she watched Patrick taking orders from a nearby table. "He's no Sebastian, but he's got a great ass on him."

Bella laughed, the first time in hours, "He's not bad, nice smile."

"Pah," Jaylee flapped a dismissive hand, "Who cares about the smile? I won't be worried about his smile when I'm digging my heels into his ass."

Bella shook her head with a grin on her face, "You have no shame woman, no shame."

Jaylee grinned devilishly, "I know. Wait," she eyed Bella up and down, "Are you planning on...ya know?" she jerked her head over to Patrick.

"Oh, no," Bella said, slightly surprised, "Go ahead."

Jaylee's grin made a reappearance, "Excellent. Though, you should really try dating sometime."

"What?" Bella asked, her voice a little sharper than necessary, "I date here and there."

"Oh yeah, you go on one date with them and then tell them that they're the load their mother should have swallowed," Jaylee sniggered and grabbed her notepad and pen.

"That was _one time!_ " Bella argued, "And if Danny could just keep his big mouth _shut_ I wouldn't have to liste..."

Bella trailed off, her eyes glued to the main door. Jaylee turned around to see a man walking in and settle down at one of the unoccupied tables. She glanced back to Bella whose face was a mixture of fear and anger. Jaylee turned back to the stranger, who was now toying with the small menu on the table and not paying attention to anyone else, and ran an appreciative eye over him. She didn't realize that Bella was now watching her co-worker with a penetrating gaze. Bella could just imagine what was going through Jaylee's head at that exact moment; Jasper was handsome, even Bella had to admit that, Jaylee had probably never seen a finer man in her life. But Bella could see Jaylee's hesitance to walk over; the way her body tensed said that she could tell there was something about him—something that raised the hair on the back of her neck and made her cautious.

"Jaylee?" Bella called out to her and watched as she jumped, "Let me take the floor, you stay here."

"Uh," there was blatant relief on her face, "okay, you sure?"

"Yeah," Bella said, grabbing her own notepad and pen from the counter in front of them, "trust me on this."

Bella knew that Jaylee found her behaviour strange but she couldn't help that, there was no way Bella was going to let her or Patrick near Jasper. The question was _why was he here_? Bella headed out onto the floor and walked up behind Patrick who was talking to a couple students he seemed to know.

"Hey Patrick?" Bella tapped him on the shoulder.

He turned around with a smile, "Hey Bella, do you need me for something?"

"Just wanted to let you know that Jaylee," Bella turned and pointed at the girl behind the bar, "is here now, she's going to be filling orders, we'll be taking them and making any coffee's if she's too bogged down. You take this side of the floor," Bella gestured to the right hand side of the cafe, "and I'll take the rest, okay?"

"Sounds like a plan, Bella," Patrick smiled again and Bella left him there, heading over to Jasper. She pulled out her pad and pen on the pretence of taking an order she knew he most likely wouldn't make, and even if he did, he wouldn't consume it.

"Welcome to Down Dog's, what can I get for you?" Bella asked, politely, "Perhaps a one way ticket to another continent?"

 _Whoa, where had that come from?_ Bella was surprised by how angry she was at seeing Jasper again. Every time she laid eyes on him she found herself thinking about a taller, bronze haired vampire, a vampire she never wanted to think about again.

"What do you recommend?" Jasper looked up at her and smiled, showing all of his perfectly straight and razor sharp teeth. She figured that he meant to intimidate her. He had probably felt the initial burst of fear that his appearance had created but she knew that he couldn't do anything here. Her first thought had been that Jasper was here to murder everyone in the cafe, but she quickly realized that that would be the fastest way to alert human beings to his presence, to the existence of something supernatural, which would piss off the famed Volturi. Jasper was anything but stupid; he was a strategist, which meant that he was here to scout her out.

"For you? Fuck all," she leaned down, her palms on the table, so that her face was level with his. He had a large pair of sunglasses on, probably to hide the glowing red of his eyes, but she could see them behind the dark plastic. "Cut the shit, Jasper. What do you want?"

Jasper grinned, "Please, sit." He gestured to the chair opposite his.

Bella didn't even glance at it, "No."

"Why not? You've been on your feet for hours, I know you must be tired, what with training the one with the great ass and all," Jasper nodded towards Patrick, somewhere behind her. Bella ignored the comment that told her, in no uncertain terms, that not only had Jasper been watching her since she arrived, but that he had been listening in on her conversations.

"Even if I wanted to sit with you, I can't, I'm working," Bella told him, keeping her eyes glued to his.

"What? You don't want to see me? Don't want to catch up? Talk about the good old days?" Jasper drawled, his southern accent making itself known, "I've heard that Edward's doing well. Did you know that he's with Tanya these days?"

Bella felt her heart jump and clench but she willed her face to stay calm and not betray the pain. She knew she had failed when Jasper's grin turned triumphant. He leaned even closer to her, his cool breath washing over her face. The scent of it was mesmerizing and Bella found herself leaning forward. They were so close it looked as if they were about to kiss.

"Don't play a game you can't win," he whispered. "Don't forget, I'm as talented as your precious Edward."

"He's not mine," she growled, trying to get a hold of her emotions, "which is fairly obvious if you take a look around. And I'm not ruled by my emotions, you have no power over me."

"Oh?" Jasper raised one eyebrow and pretended to look shocked, "Is that so? Your memory seems to be rather short lived since I remember putting you to sleep before."

"Go for it," Bella said, gritting her teeth and preparing herself for the inevitable.

Jasper grinned and reached out, placing his hand over her own. His skin was ice cold, but she had been expecting that and she didn't flinch. What she hadn't been expecting is how soft it would feel against her own or how all of her attention would be drawn to that simple movement. She knew that skin to skin contact increased the effectiveness of Jasper's particular gift, of course he was powerful enough that he didn't _need_ to touch her, but for some reason he was. She watched, mesmerized once again, as his long white fingers ghosted over the back of her hand. The cool sensation tickled slightly as he brushed her knuckles, but she didn't pull away, she couldn't pull away.

Some small part of Bella's brain knew that Jasper was winning; she could feel the muscles in her body slowly relaxing as her shoulders slumped and her clenched hand slowly uncurled but she wasn't sure that she could do anything to stop it. It had been a long time since she was under Jasper's influence. The last time she had felt him trying to calm her down she had been pacing a small hotel room in Jackson, Arizona, freaking out about the possibility of her mother dying at the hands of a sadistic vampire. Then she had felt the same calm settle around her, pressing her down, making her feel relaxed and peaceful, it made her want to sink down and stretch out, enjoy the feeling, bask in it. The only thing that had stopped Jasper that time had been her worry and her panic. She remembered snapping at him, _I don't want to sleep anymore!_

Suddenly, that small part of Bella's brain knew what to do. She needed another emotion, a stronger one, one that was all hers. She forced her mind to ignore the relaxed state of her body and dredge up some memories, ones that she usually kept under lock and key. She let her eyes flutter closed, not because she was falling asleep, but because she needed to concentrate. In her mind's eye she watched as Edward walked away from her; she watched as her seventeen year old self drove up to the Cullen house to find it cold and locked up; she watched as the Arizona state police knocked on her father's door to tell her that she no longer had a mother; she watched as, more recently, Jasper walked away from her, leaving her on a cold street in the middle of the night.

Bella felt the anger surge up and through her body, chasing away Jasper's fabricated calm, filling her limbs with its power. She opened her eyes, meeting Jasper's, and yanked her hand out from under his. Quicker than Bella had ever moved before, she reached out and smacked Jasper across the face. Instantly, pain laced up her hand and into her arm. It was like smacking a brick wall, a cold, smooth brick wall. Bella winced and pulled her hand back but she didn't break eye contact with him.

The look on Jasper's face was priceless; his glasses were skewed on his face from the force of her blow, his mouth was hanging open slightly, and his ruby eyes were wide, staring at her in astonishment. In any other situation it would have been hilarious and Bella probably would have burst out laughing to see such a dignified man reduced to such a state, but as the rush of anger ebbed away she saw that what she had just done may very well cost her life.

With a smoothness that was frightening, Jasper's shock was replaced by an emotionless mask. "You have clearly learned nothing from your experiences with my kind, Isabella Swan," his voice was barely a whisper but she heard it perfectly.

Jasper pushed his chair back and, acting as if she had not just struck him, he straightened his glasses and stood. Without another word he turned and walked out the door of Down Dog's, the night's darkness swallowing him as soon as he stepped beyond the yellow ring of light cast by the streetlamps. Bella watched the empty street beyond the windows of the cafe until she heard a chair scrape behind her and she became aware that she was still standing next to Jasper's empty table. Turning, she was confronted with the stares of the entire establishment.

"Long story folks, move it along," she said, waving her uninjured hand in a dismissive gesture.

People turned back to their drinks and food, but Bella could feel the weight of many stares still pinned to her back and it made her uncomfortable. She had been dealing with the feeling of being watched all day, up until she walked into the cafe, and now it was happening in her small sanctuary. She bit down on a groan and walked over to the bar where Jaylee was staring at her with her mouth agape.

"Close that trap, you'll let the flies in," Bella said, walking past her and crouching down in front of the ice machine. She reached in and grabbed a large handful with her good hand before turning to rummage under the sink for a clean rag to wrap it all in. When she had tied the knot on her makeshift icepack she turned to face Jaylee, who was still staring.

"Christ, Jaylee, have you never seen a woman smack a man before?" Bella snapped, rather irate.

"Well, yeah, but you? I've never seen _you_ smack a man before!" Jaylee said, putting down the glass she had been holding.

"Well now you have. Get over it," Bella said, kicking the cupboard door under the sink closed. She winced, regretting the words as soon as they were out. It wasn't Jaylee that she was mad at; her anger was all directed at herself.

"Sheesh, Bella! I know you're pissed but how about you rip someone else's head off?" Jaylee said, she turned back to cleaning the counter where the sandwiches were made.

Bella sighed and pressed the ice pack to her sore hand, "I'm sorry, Jaylee, alright? It's not your fault, I just... he—I...Christ, he's from my home town and he's brought back a lot of unwanted memories."

Jaylee turned and opened her mouth, probably about to ask what had happened that made Bella so mad, but she was interrupted by a student asking for an extra pickle to go with his sandwich. She gave him the pickle with a glare but when she turned back to probe Bella again, the other girl was already gone, taking orders from students once again, as if nothing had happened.


	4. Chapter 4

  
_It's us that made this mess. Why can't you understand? Oh, I won't sleep tonight_ —"Animal" by Neon Trees

Bella made it home with no further incidents and was surprised to note that she didn't feel that creepy sensation that told her she was being watched. She walked into her little apartment to find both Chrissy and Danny sitting in front of the TV and inhaling bowls of pasta as if it were their last meal on Earth.

"Did you two save some for me?" Bella asked, hanging up her jacket and kicking off her shoes.

"Mmm, thove dop," Danny mumbled through a mouthful.

Bella rolled her eyes and wandered into the kitchen, calling as she went, "With those charming manners, it's a wonder why you don't have a boyfriend!"

She looked over her shoulder to see Danny give her the one finger salute without taking his eyes from the TV. She laughed and turned to find a bowl of pasta sitting on the stove top with a dish covering it to keep it warm for her. She pulled off the dish, grabbed a fork and headed for the living room to join her house mates. She climbed over the back of the couch and plopped down beside Danny before she started to inhale her own pasta. It was delicious, which meant that Chrissy cooked. Danny may have been gay, but that didn't mean he had any of the stereotypical good qualities that were supposed to come with it. Bella and Chrissy often harrumphed over his inability to cook, his distaste for shopping (though, Bella secretly agreed with him on that one), his general disregard for his appearance and his complete and utter lack of anything remotely resembling décor sense. The boy couldn't match his jeans with his sweater if his life depended on it, let alone match the rug with the couch pillows.

"What are we watching?" Bella asked after swallowing her mouthful.

"The Mentalist," Chirssy said, just as the commercials ended and the show started up again.

"Oooh!" Bella said, wiggling beside Danny to get comfortable, "I love this show. Such a hottie."

"I know, right?" Chirssy said, a little wistfulness in her voice.

"Okay, shut up bitches, I'm trying to watch the hot man and your blabbering is ruining my fantasies in which he's on his knees in front of me," Danny said, point his fork at each of them in turn.

Well, there were _some_ things about Danny that followed the stereotype. His fondness for drama, being one.

"Queen," Chrissy muttered, not trying to hide it at all. Danny leaned over and pinched her bare thigh, causing her to squeal and swear at him.

"Make me miss any more of the hotness and I swear to god I will pee in your shampoo," Danny told her. Bella snorted into her bowl as Chrissy gave in and they both went back to watching the show. She continued to eat her pasta and observe her roommates as they watched the show, both of them totally engrossed. They were both two very lovely people and she couldn't imagine life without them in it. They were often her source of laughter and amusement in a world where she found herself constantly disillusioned by the cruelty of human beings...and vampires too, if she were being honest with herself.

Bella sighed and mentally smacked herself for letting her mind go back to vampires yet again. _Fucking Jasper,_ she groused mentally, _I wish he'd stayed wherever it was that he came from._

"You alright there dollface?" Chrissy asked, leaning forward so that she could look past Danny and meet Bella's eye.

"Yeah, just...a long fucking day. Weird shit at class, then a stupid customer at work, just one of those days, ya know?" Bella asked.

Chrissy nodded sympathetically, "How 'bout you go get ready for bed early? Danny and I will do the dishes."

Bella looked at Danny who shrugged, not really caring, his eyes still on the show. "No, I couldn't do that," Bella said, "you guys cooked dinner, I'll clean up."

"Most of it is already done, and Danny didn't really cook, so he can help me," she nudged him and he grinned, rolling his eyes but he said nothing.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, yes! Now go, you look beat," Chrissy said.

Bella smiled, "Thanks you guys, I've got it all tomorrow, it's my day off, so I'll make you something good."

"Enchiladas?" Chrissy asked, looking hopeful.

"Of course!" Bella said, putting her bowl down on the couch beside her so that she could crawl back over the way she came. Before she could move though, Danny finally tore his attention away from the TV and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek.

"Start taking better care of yourself," he said softly, looking her in the eye, "you look like shit."

Bella grinned, "Thanks Dan, you always know how to make a gal swoon."

Danny matched her grin, "Screw that. You girls have something going on down there that terrifies me. It's like a toothless sea monster."

Bella, having heard this before, merely rolled her eyes and kissed Danny on the top of his head as she clambered over the back of the couch, grabbing her bowl as she went. She rinsed it out and deposited it in the sink and headed for the shower, intent on taking a long one. She turned on the water, stripped down, and stepped into the hot stream of water. She felt it massaging her shoulders, running in rivulets down her body, warming her to the bone. She hadn't realized how cold she was until she had stepped into this hot embrace. She thought about what had happened over the course of the day and began to shiver, before she knew it she was trembling uncontrollably, her whole body quaking.

_What have I done? What if I get my friends killed? I should have never said anything to him in class and I definitely should not have slapped him. Christ, Bella! What were you thinking?_

But Bella didn't have any answers for herself so she continued to stand under the hot water as her body shook, reminding her of a similar night where she had thrown herself into a hot shower and tried to stop her body from shivering violently. But on that night the shakes had been adrenaline and excitement, not fear and horror. That night, Edward had been waiting for her in her bedroom, waiting to hold her in his arms until the sun came up. The differences between then and now were so stark that Bella felt the hole in her chest, the one that she had carefully patched up by trying to forget, rip open with a ferocity that left her breathless. She fell to her knees, pain lancing up into her legs, as her arms instinctively wrapped around her middle in a gesture that she hadn't used since she was eighteen years old and had been told her mother was dead. She had vowed then that she would never let herself be put in this position again, and yet, here she was; on her knees, arms wrapped around herself, naked and sobbing.

Bella knelt there for a long time, how long, she wasn't sure, but the water started to turn cold and she realized that she had probably just used all of the hot water for the entire complex. Half blind with water and her own tears, she reached forward and shut off the taps. The water slowed and finally stopped, leaving her kneeling in the bottom of the tub, still shivering. She stood up slowly, wincing at the pain in her knees, and reached out for a towel. Still shaking, she wrapped it around herself and stepped out of the tub, one hand on the wall for balance.

She looked into the mirror and nearly groaned aloud. She hoped no one saw her on her way from the bathroom to her bedroom because she really _did_ look like shit now. Her eyes were bloodshot, red rimmed and swollen from her crying. Even if there wasn't the physical evidence of her break down, Bella was still holding herself around the middle and the shadow in her eyes bespoke the misery she felt. She just wanted to go to her room, collapse on her bed and sleep until she forgot about Edward Cullen...again.

After drying herself off, she re-wrapped the towel around her body and grabbed her clothes, letting herself out of the steam filled bathroom. She padded down the hall quietly, though there really wasn't much need, the TV was still blaring from the living room. Her bedroom door was slightly ajar and she slipped in, closing it quietly behind her, hoping that neither of her room mates would think to check in on her. There was no way she could explain the state of her face to them right now. She moved forwards in the semi-darkness, looking for the laundry hamper. She could have turned the light on but with her mood she preferred the dark, so she wandered her room, putting her dirty clothes where they belonged and getting a fresh pair of pyjamas. She was heading for the bed, her p.j's in her hand, when she accidentally stubbed her toe on her computer desk.

"Mother _fucker!_ , Bella hopped around, holding onto her toe as the tears began to leak from her eyes once again. She sat down on the ground, none too gracefully either, and cried some more. The adrenaline had kicked in and her toe barely hurt anymore but it seemed that now that she had started crying, she couldn't manage to stop.

Bella clutched the towel closer to her body and leaned against the leg of her desk that had taken her out. She was assaulted by residual visions of Edward, the times that they had spent together; the good, the bad, the downright cruel, all blended together. She saw them in the beginning, their tentative friendship that had blossomed into a relationship, one that she thought had been suffused with love; she saw Edward's fearful face as he crouched over her, protecting her from James; she saw him in that same defensive crouch, protecting her from Jasper in his own house mere hours before he would walk away from her forever. She cried harder.

Again, time passed without Bella really noticing it. Eventually her breathing calmed and the tears slowed until they stopped. Bella contemplated getting up and putting some clothes on but the effort involved just wasn't worth it at the moment, instead, she settled herself into a more comfortable position on the floor. Kneeling for several hours on hard surfaces had taken its toll on her knees, so she stretched her legs out in front of her and crossed them at her ankles. She wiped her face on the edge of her towel and sighed deeply, feeling a little better after the long cry.

"Well, it's about time," a voice drawled from the darkness by her bed.

Sore knees forgotten, Bella shot up, clutching her towel closer to her chest, "What the _hell_ do you think you're doing here!" she hissed.

Jasper strolled forward into the pool of light that entered her window from the streetlamp outside. His thumbs were hooked into his belt loops casually as he looked her up and down. He smirked and she felt her blood boil.

"What's the matter, Bella? Had a rough day?" he was taunting her, she knew it, but she couldn't stop herself from rising to the bait.

"Yeah, I wonder why that is? It wouldn't happen to have anything to do with the sudden reappearance of a certain vampire that I have no pleasure in seeing?" she snapped at him.

"Well, I wasn't going to stay but I have to say, I was curious about you. And then you had to go and challenge me, I can't turn down a challenge," he replied calmly.

"Challenge? What are you talking about?" she demanded, easing backwards a bit.

"Oh, you mean, besides smacking me across the face?" Jasper said, raising an eyebrow and stepping even closer to her. Bella tried to step back but was met by the hard wood of her closet door. "That bullshit about Alice? That was a challenge Bella, and we both know it. You tried to rub some salt in my wounds, not thinking that I would retaliate. Trust me, I have plenty of weapons against you in my arsenal. Shall I tell you about how Edward has taken Tanya as his mate? You know, from how I hear it, they're worse than Emmett and Rose with all the fucking. Who would have thought ol' Eddie had it in him?"

"Fuck you, Jasper," Bella whispered, her lips trembling, "That wasn't how I meant that comment about Alice, and you know it."

"Do I?" He grinned and walked forward purposefully until he was standing right in front of her, he glanced down at her, taking in the towel that barely covered her most intimate parts, "Well, well, Bella. You've certainly grown into that body of yours, haven't you? I mean," he paused and licked his lips, "you're no Tanya Denali so I can see why Edward didn't stick around, but still, I could have some fun with those curves of yours."

Something inside Bella snapped. She whipped around and grabbed the nearest item within arm's reach, it was her desk lamp. She swung around and struck Jasper with it, smashing it to pieces, but he didn't even blink. That only fuelled her rage.

" _Fuck you!_ " she growled, " _You're_ the reason why I'm here alone, why he left me!"

Jasper shrugged nonchalantly, "Nah, I'm just the convenient excuse, the scapegoat if you will."

"Bullshit! Edward loved me once! _You_ changed that!"

Jasper laughed and crossed his arms over his chest, "And just how could I do that? Face it Bella, he never _loved_ you. He was curious, you intrigued him. Once the fascination lost its appeal, he stopped caring. It's in our nature, you know."

Bella felt pain lance through her as she remembered Edward's words, _My kind are easily distracted._

"You manipulate emotions! Of course you could do it! Why? Because I'm human? Not good enough? Is that it?" Bella demanded. She wasn't really sure what she was saying, she had never really blamed Jasper before now, but she was furious and screaming the first thing that came to her mind.

"You give me too much credit, Bella. As you saw in your little cafe, I cannot create someone's emotions; I can only influence them with mine. I have to summon that emotion before I project it onto the person. I cannot take someone's emotion away from them, only replace it with my own, and only then if they're weak enough. If I _had_ been making Edward think that he was no longer in love with you, he would be here right now, because I haven't seen Edward, nor any of the Cullens, for almost five years."

Bella swallowed, trying not to believe his words, trying to ignore how much they made sense, "No. You're lying."

Jasper ignored her, "I think that five years would be sufficient time to come to his senses, to realize he really loves you, don't you think? I mean, I know he's a vampire and we tend to view time differently from you humans, but still, five years _is_ five years."

Bella wanted to cry all over again but she refused to give him the satisfaction. She wished she could make him cry, "Perhaps your right Jasper, but what I don't understand is why Alice isn't with you."

Jasper was silent for a beat too long, "She's abroad right now. She's not a fan of the colder climates."

It was Bella's turn to laugh at him, but it sounded hollow and bitter to her ears, "Oh bullshit! She's not with you anymore is she?"

"She's not with me right _now_ ," Jasper specified, "But that doesn't mean that she isn't still my mate, that we're not still together."

Bella watched as Jasper's hands clenched into fists and heard the desperation in his tone, the unspoken meaning of his words. She laughed again.

"She left you, didn't she?" Bella taunted, feeling powerful for the first time since she smacked him in the face. "What was it, Jasper? She couldn't stand the sight of you anymore, after you attacked her human 'sister'?"

"Not that I have to explain anything to you, but no," Jasper growled with his teeth clenched. In the dim lighting, with his red eyes, he looked every inch the terrifying vampire of Hollywood movies. But Bella was no longer afraid of him. She was beyond feeling afraid of Jasper.

"Is that so?" Bella mocked him, raising a disbelieving eyebrow, "I think you're full of shit, Jasper. You stand there," she gestured to him with one hand, "acting all high and mighty, taunting me about the fact that Edward left me when you're in the exact same boat."

"I am not!" He bit out, the tendons in his neck straining.

"You are so!" Bella crowed, "You weren't good enough either! You failed your mate! God, Jasper," she put on a fake tone of concern, "that must hurt _so_ much."

Jasper moved so fast that Bella didn't see him. She felt him though; his body collided with hers, throwing her back into the closet as she reached out to push him off. Her efforts were in vain, and she knew it, but it was instinct to fight off an attack and so she struggled against him.

"Go to hell!" he growled against her face.

And then there was pain, a sharp and terrible pain in the side of her neck. She knew exactly what it was but somehow, she was more shocked than afraid. There had been a day when she had planned for this outcome, when she had wanted a vampire to sink his razor sharp teeth into her skin, to plant his venom into her body, but now that it was happening all she could think about was how much it _hurt_.

She felt the pull of Jasper's swallows as he sucked her blood into his mouth. Through her hands, pressed against him in a feeble attempt at defence, she could feel the vibrations of his continuing growls. Her right hand, the one closest to his throat, slid up until she could press her fingertips against his smooth skin. She felt his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed, once, twice, three times. He was taking her in rather quickly. Her hand continued upwards, around the side of his neck, her thumb grazing first his hard jaw line and then the sweet curve of his ear until her hand was tangled in his thick dark locks. They felt strange to her fingers, not as soft as she'd imagine they should be. _Probably the dye job,_ she thought absently. She could feel the cool skin of his scalp as she slid her fingertips across it. Still, he sucked at her neck.

Slowly, the world began to dim, the light from outside faded to a light gray, barely enough to see by. Her limbs became heavy and eventually her knees buckled. Jasper held her body to his easily, not seeming to notice her limpness. Her hand managed to stay in his hair and she found herself caressing it, gently, soothingly. She didn't know why, it wasn't like she owed this man any comfort. It occurred to her that she was giving sustenance to a man who hated her, who clearly wanted her dead. Perhaps part of her would live on in him, perhaps not. She couldn't bring herself to care.

She thoughts of her roommates, just outside the confines of her room, doing their own thing and living their lives, not knowing that she was dying in the arms of a man she would have once called "brother". She thought of her father, Charlie, and how he would take the news. He was a silent and stoic man, but he had broken down and cried when the news of Renee's death reached them. They had held each other and cried for a long, long time. It had been the first time they had showed such strong emotions around each other. It would be the last, because she would never see her father again. She felt a small pang of sadness for him, she knew that he would be devastated. She thought of her mother, her sweet, hairbrained mother. Bella hoped that there was indeed a heaven and that she would have a chance to see her mother again. She missed her mother's presence, the sound of her voice, the comfort of her advice. Renee had been many things, not all of them good, but she had always been Bella's best friend and the one she ran to when in need of help. Her mother would have wanted her to forgive Jasper for this, to absolve him of his guilt, before she left the world for good, but she couldn't make herself do that. It wasn't that she didn't want to forgive Jasper, she already had, but that wasn't what he needed to hear.

"Ja—Jasp—per," Bella gasped and she thought she felt Jasper halt but she was slipping away quickly and couldn't be sure, still, she continued trying to speak. "I'm s-so s-sorry. P-please, for-g-give me?"

She thought Jasper may have pulled back and looked at her but she couldn't be sure, she couldn't open her eyes anymore. She definitely felt his hand cradle her head; she tried to smile because it felt like a gentle and tender action.

"Never," she gasped, "meant...t-to...hurt...you...l-loved...yo-you."

Bella's hand dropped from Jasper's hair, no longer able to hold itself there. There was a rushing in her ears and a warmth tingling her neck.

The last thing she heard was a choked whisper from above her, so faint, she couldn't be sure if it was a creation of her mind or not.

"What have I done?"


	5. Chapter 5

  
_If I die young, bury me in sun. Lay me down on a bed of roses, sink me in the river at dawn, send me away with the words of a love song._ —"If I Die Young" by The Band Perry

Bella remembered hearing the whispered words, words that came out choked and rough with emotion. She couldn't remember if they had been her own or not, for they were fitting to be her last. Indeed, what had she done?

She had purposefully driven a man on the edge over a cliff of his own pain and shame. All because he had hurt her. She was no better than him, really.

And now she had paid the ultimate price for it.

The concept of time became irrelevant and Bella had to wonder if she was in some sort of limbo, no longer truly alive, and yet not able to die. She felt like she was suspended in a realm of nothingness, floating, peaceful but lonely, with only her thoughts to accompany her. It was some time before she realized that instead of fading away her awareness was sharpening, coming back to her as if she had been sleeping under the influence of something strong, like morphine. It was dark around her, dark and cold. She could feel the coldness rushing over her body, sometimes faster, sometimes slower, but it didn't seem to affect her. Suddenly she had the oddest sensation that she was falling. It was like being on a rollercoaster in a dream, her stomach clenched and swooped. Slowly, the feeling in her body started to seep back; she became aware that she was being carried, her body held in strong, hard arms; her head cradled against an equally hard chest.

Bella was left with very little time to process that fact, given her state of near death, when she felt the tingling warmth at her neck. The sensation was odd and invoked a memory, one that was hazy and indistinct, almost as if she had felt it before. It was like the circulation had been cut off, but only to one side of her neck, causing the area to go numb before the blood rushed back in and created the tingling. Her mother had called it the "pins and needles" effect.

Suddenly, the air around her was warm and she felt herself being placed on something soft and springy. Seconds later, the arms were removed and her own limbs fell like dead weights beside her. The world was still dark and her eyes felt too heavy to open, but small things began coming back to her; she could hear the world around her again, not just the rushing of the air, or the slow pound of her heart. There were rapid footsteps, someone was pacing. Something smashed and a low masculine voice cursed. There was a knock on wood, like someone knocking on a door. She heard the footsteps retreat and then there were voices.

"Oh, Hello dear, we're next door and we heard some crashing noises, we just wanted to check and make sure that everything's alright," it was a soft feminine voice, slightly high pitched.

"Yes, I knocked over a vase trying to get the lights on, I'm rather clumsy," it was the same male voice from earlier. She knew that voice, but who...?

"So everything's fine then?" it was another male voice, but softer than the first, gruff with age.

"Yes, sir, everything's fine. Thank you for your concern though," said the first male.

Pleasantries, goodnights and well wishes were exchanged and then the footsteps were coming back. Bella felt the surface she was lying on dip to her left, her brain realized that she was laying on a mattress and someone had just sat down beside her. She tried to open her eyes, tried to remember how she had gotten there and who she was with but her mind was fuzzy and the warmth in the room was distracting. Her neck was tingling fiercely now, it was uncomfortable and hard to ignore. She tried to lift her arm to scratch at it, or rub it, anything really, but her limbs wouldn't obey her silent commands.

Bella felt cool hands brush the hair away from her face and then gently caress her arm. She wanted to tell the unknown person to put that cold hand on her neck where the heat was beginning to become unbearable. She focused all of her energy on forming a word and felt her lips working to mumble something to her companion. She was trying to mouth, "my neck" when she felt a cool finger press against her lips.

"Shh, Bella. Don't waste your energy on talking. You're going to need every ounce of strength to get through the first stage," that voice was back, bending over her prone form. She knew this because she felt the bed shift and a cool, sweet scent billowed across her face. The scent of it reminded her...of someone?

She didn't have long to dwell on it. All of a sudden the burning in her neck picked up in intensity and she felt a race of hot, liquid fire, run straight from her neck and into her chest. It was as if someone had flipped a switch in her body; her eyes sprang open, her body arched off the bed, her fists clenched in pain and her jaw fell open in a silent scream. The dam had been broken; the fire, for it was surely fire now, raced through her veins, spreading up through her neck and into her head, making her want to rip at her hair, to rip her skin right off, just to get it out. It raced through her chest, into her arms, down her stomach and flowed into her legs. Every muscle in her body clenched and seized, the pain was unbelievable, she was burning, she was _dying_! _Oh god, why can't I just die?_

The brain works in mysterious ways, it had always made Bella smile when she had a completely random thought during something serious. She'd be writing a final exam and suddenly she'd be smiling, thinking about catching Danny singing in front of his mirror in his boxers. Now, as her body burned, her brain conjured up images of when she was a little girl, playing 'patty cake' in the front yard under the hot sun. Her mother was wearing a white summer dress with a beautiful blue pattern on it. Bella reached out, intending to show her mother what she had made, and placed a wet muddy hand on the hem of the beautiful dress. But Renee only smiled and knelt down to inspect her daughter's handiwork.

Bella felt tears leak out of the sides of her eyes and run down her face. They were hot, hotter than the skin on her face, and they stung. Still, she couldn't seem to stop them. She tried to focus on the ceiling above her. She could see it now, it was dimly lit by the light from the other room. She could see the shape of the doorframe's shadow on the white stucco but it was like background noise to the images in her head. She saw herself sitting in front of a lump of clay, wearing ratty old clothes and preparing herself for another of Renee's short lived hobbies. Then there was her first day of high school and the beautiful silver ring, set with a blue stone, that her mother had bought her. Summers with Charlie invaded her mind, green forests and wet roads. Brown skin and white teeth, flashing in a smile. Waves of cold, salty water. A scratchy moustache. Different sets of golden eyes, all set in pale faces.

"Bella?" she heard a voice whisper, to her left. The noise distracted her mind and the pain came rushing back. Her back arched again and her fingers dug painfully into the mattress below her. This time, when her mouth fell open, the scream was not silent. It ripped through her, from the base of her spine, working its way up and out of her body. It was a scream of pure agony.

"Shit!"

A hand clamped over her mouth, muffling the sounds coming from her. Her shrieks, like her tears, were impossible to stop once they had started. She thrashed, trying to rid her body of the fire, it was under her, above her, all around her, if she could only move away, she would be safe. She knew it. If only she could call for help, someone would...

"Bella, it does no good to scream," a face loomed up in front of her wide, panicked eyes. Red eyes met hers and she shrieked again, her lips pressing against that cold palm. Everything fell into her place as her memory turned itself back on; finding Jasper outside of Down Dog's, saving that stupid boy; Jasper in the classroom, their texting and taunts; smacking Jasper in the face and watching him walk out; fighting with him in her room, saying the words that she knew would cut him to the core; the pain in her neck, his gulping of her blood, the darkness swallowing her; the tingling warmth that quickly turned into a raging inferno.

The knowledge struck her like a bombshell, momentarily blocking out the pain; she was changing into a vampire.

The tears started to flow faster and she closed her eyes in an attempt to stop them. She didn't want to cry in front of Jasper anymore, even if she was in an agony that she could never have imagined. She was determined not to show any weakness in front of him. Slowly, she locked down on her muscles, clenching her fists together so tightly that she could actually feel the pain of her nails digging in over the pain of the venom spreading through her body. She willed her arms and legs to stay still, her back straight as a board, her head tilted defiantly up at the ceiling. The only things she couldn't seem to control were the tears steadily pouring from her under her closed eyelids.

She felt Jasper lift his hand from her mouth and wipe away the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes fluttered open instinctively and saw that he was gazing down at her with something like tenderness and sympathy.

"If you survive tonight, you'll be in the clear," he told her quietly.

 _If!_ She wanted to scream at him but that would mean unlocking her jaw and she was sure that nothing coherent would come out of her mouth at this point. She would scream, definitely, but there would be no sense to it, only pain.

She closed her eyes as she felt his hand ghost over her face once more, down her neck—he avoided the wound—and over her bare arms. His touch was cooling, a direct contrast to burning fire that seemed to be growing hotter and hotter with every passing second. She wasn't sure she could handle it, the intensity of it, she wanted to snap and scream, to thrash and wail. But she refused to give in, she felt like her mind was a prisoner of the body. She resolved to focus on the blessedly cool touch of Jasper's hands on her skin at the very moment that he took his hands away. She made an involuntary sound, part gasp, part whimper.

"Shh, it's alright," there was a flurry of sound, of movement, to her left, and then the mattress sank deeper than before. She felt something cold stretch out beside her, touching her burning body, and it was almost soothing. Arms pulled her closer and she realized that Jasper was holding her to his body, holding her gently, protectively. She opened her eyes and saw his red irises staring back at her, open and calm, it made her feel just a little better.

With a sigh, she closed her eyes and surrendered herself to the burning and to the memories.

**OOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella would later remember the burning as the most vivid part of her human life. She knew, from speaking to the Cullens about it, that the change made ones human memories fade. Carlisle had once mentioned that he thought it was a natural defence mechanism; once a vampire, you could not go back to your old life. It was better that you just forget it. It hurt less if you could not clearly remember what you had left behind. Or what had been taken from you.

When the change had finished and the last remnant of her human body had been burned away, Bella opened her eyes to find herself staring at a different ceiling. She remembered looking at the stucco of the other ceiling while she burned. As soon as the thought registered in her brain, her body was moving. She leaped off the bed and threw herself into the corner of the room, crouching defensively. Her back was pressed up against walls made of wooden logs, polished to a fine shine. Her eyes darted around the room while her nose inhaled the scents around her.

That's when she saw him. She knew him. Jasper. His ruby red eyes met hers in a silent staring contest and she knew, without looking, that her own eyes were just as red.

He had done this to her.

Rage suffused her limbs and she lunged.

He caught her easily, probably expecting an attack, and with a speed that defied all logic he had her pinned to the floor beneath him.

"Bella! Bella stop! It's me! It's Jasper!" he said forcefully.

"I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!" she screamed, her teeth snapping mere millimetres from his nose, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME!"

Instead of answering, Jasper closed his eyes and instantly Bella felt her limbs go limp as Jasper worked his talent on her. Her mind, functioning on a level it had never been capable of before, knew what he was doing but was unable to stop it. The calm invaded her brain, made her thoughts feel fuzzy and indistinct, and she lost track of what she was trying accomplish.

"Where are we?" she whispered, softly, giving in to the urge to close her eyes.

"In a hunter's cabin, outside the city limits. I couldn't keep you in my hotel room," he told her.

"Hotel room?"

"Yes, that's where I was staying."

"But..." her mind tried to focus, tried to sift through the fog of her human memories and the weight of Jasper's emotions, "we were in my room?"

"Yes, I took you from there when...when I realized what...had happened."

His words triggered the memory in her mind. She saw it happening again, as if she were looking through a dirty mirror, and she felt the anger melting away the calm that had seeped into her bones. Jasper must have felt it too because he tensed and tried to dose her again. It didn't work.

Bella's eyes snapped open and she glared at the man lying on top of her.

"Let me up," she demanded.

"Are you going to play nice?" Jasper asked, his eyebrow doing that annoying hitch thing that made her want to smack him.

"No," she told him, "I'm not. But I'm not going to attack you either. Now. Get. Off."

Jasper shrugged and jumped off of her, he was ten paces away before she had blinked. _Clearly, this is going to take some getting used to_. She was happy to note that he was no longer a blur when he moved like that, she could track his movements with her eyes because she was now one of his kind. The thought made her scowl.

Swiftly, she stood, wanting to be on an equal footing with Jasper. She had no sooner thought of standing when she found herself erect. She marvelled at it, looking down at her body in surprise. That was when she noticed that she was wearing a white sheet like a primitive toga. Her eyes widened and she gaped, her hands reaching to pat her sheet covered stomach.

Her head snapped up and her eyes narrowed at Jasper dangerously, " _Why_ am I wearing nothing but a sheet?"

Jasper raked a hand through his hair, almost nervously, "Well, you were only wearing a towel before and...well, it came loose during your change. So I covered you with a sheet."

"It just... came loose?" she asked sardonically, clearly not believing him.

Jasper seemed to sense this because his own eyes narrowed and he took a step towards her, "I didn't take advantage of you, if that's what you're implying!"

"And how should I know? How could I trust _your_ word?" she demanded.

Jasper sneered, "Why would I want Edward's cast offs? If you weren't good eno—"

Jasper never finished that sentence. In a flash, Bella had reached out and struck him across the face. It was fast becoming a familiar gesture between the two of them. Unlike the last time, Jasper's head whipped to the side and his jaw snapped together with an audible click. She allowed herself a smug grin as she realized it didn't hurt her to hit him. Then, riding on the power she felt, she leaned forward and hissed in his ear,

"Mention that name to me again and I won't rest until I've ripped you apart and danced around the bonfire."


	6. Chapter 6

  
_Your best bet is to stay away, motherfucker. It's just one of those days._ —"Break Stuff" by Limp Bizket

Jasper glared at Bella through the dark hair that had fallen in front of his eyes with the force of her blow. His eyes glowed like rare rubies, his rage was practically palpable, and Bella forced herself to remain upright when every instinct was screaming for her to drop into a crouch. As it were, she felt a low growl rumble in her chest as her lips pulled back to expose her teeth. The action was completely instinctual and it surprised her immensely; her growl cut off abruptly and her hand flew to cover her mouth, her red eyes wide.

It seemed to break the spell of tension between them because Jasper rolled his eyes and shook the hair out of his face, "I bought some clothes for you while you were going through the change, they're in the top two dresser drawers."

"Clothes? But I..." Bella trailed off as she turned and looked at the dresser. "I have clothes," she whispered.

"I know," Jasper said, his voice emotionless. He turned away from her and walked over to the dresser, opening a drawer, "But it's not like you can go back to your old house and get them."

Bella followed and peered around him, staring at the clothes there. "My old house? It's not my old house, Jasper. It's my _home_."

Jasper stuffed his hands into his pockets, "Not anymore it's not."

Bella's head snapped up, " _What_?"

Jasper sighed and ran a hand through his hair again. He wouldn't meet her eye, instead he looked over her shoulder, "Bella, you can never go back there. You can never see those people again. That part of your life is over... it's as dead as you are."

Bella's body froze, every muscle locking up and making her into a living statue. Part of her new vampiric mind registered that, had she been human, her knees would have given out and she would have sunk to the floor, but this body had no such weaknesses.

" _I am not dead!_ " she screeched, her anger rising so quickly that she felt out of control.

"You no longer have a heartbeat," Jasper stated calmly, "that puts you firmly in the 'dead' category."

"But...but...you lived among humans before! Why can't I?" Bella asked, she could feel Jasper's talent lapping at the edges of her emotions, ready to intervene at slightest sign that she might snap but she was too distraught to be upset by it, "I mean, I know it will take some time to get used to...I remember what...what the Cullens used to say about 'falling off the wagon' and all that but I'm sure I can do it?" She had not intended to sound so unsure of herself.

"Bella, it's not just your control, though I assure you that you have none right now, it's that people will notice that you're different and that's dangerous," Jasper told her. "Dangerous? How? I mean, I knew about you when I was human and with the exception of James, I was safe," Bella said.

Jasper snorted derisively and finally looked her in the eye, "Safe? Bella, you were never safe with us. Never. Your 18th birthday proved that, didn't it?"

Bella winced and looked away. The memories were there, floating around the vast space that was her new mind, but she felt like those events had happened to someone else. She knew that it was her life that she had remembered during her change but it was so difficult to hold on to the memories that she felt like an observer of her own life; memories should come with an emotional response, shouldn't they? She remembered cutting her finger, remembered Jasper lunging at her, his eyes wild and beyond recognition but she couldn't remember the fear that she was sure she must have felt.

"I don't blame you for that, you know," she whispered.

In her peripheral vision she saw Jasper's head snap around to look at her. He had been glaring out the window when she had turned away but now he was staring two holes into the side of her skull.

"What?"

She turned around, "I don't blame you. I never have, but now," she lifted a hand to cup her throat, "I think I understand."

Jasper just stared at her, his eyes searching her face, looking for something—what, she didn't know. She wasn't sure if he had found it or not but he shook his head and she thought she might have seen a wry grin grace his lips for a split second.

"Trust me, you don't understand the lure of human blood, not yet anyway. It makes that," he pointed at the hand cupping her neck, "seem like a stroll in the park."

"Really?" she asked, rubbing her thumb along the column of her throat, trying to ease the burning. She couldn't help but notice how smooth her skin was.

"Really," he sighed. "We should get you out and hunting, it will help with that. I'm assuming you'll want to hunt game?"

Bella didn't answer at first. She looked at Jasper, at his red eyes, his pale skin and the hard set of his jaw. He looked miserable and she wondered if that was a result of his lifestyle. Part of her wanted to run her fingers over the crease in his brow, to smooth it away. Would she look like that, if she hunted humans? She didn't have a talent like Jasper's, she wasn't even sure if she had a talent at all, so she wouldn't be able to feel their fear as they died. Was that what was eating away at Jasper? Or did it run deeper than that? A flash of Alice's smiing face flitted through her mind and she wondered, yet again, what had happened between the two of them.

"Well?" Jasper snapped at her, his rotten mood re-surfacing for some reason. She frowned at him.

"Of course," she said curtly, "I don't _want_ to be a monster." The words sounded familiar to her and fleeting sense of a memory tugged at her, but it slipped away before she could grasp at it.

Jasper's eyes widened and for a brief second, hurt flashed through them. Without another word he turned away and stormed outside.

Bella turned back to the dresser and wondered what it was about her words that had hurt him so. Surely, he didn't delude himself into thinking that what he was doing was right? That killing human beings was okay? She opened the drawer and rummaged about, pulling out a pair of socks, underwear, a bra and a plain black fitted tee in the top drawer. There were several more shirts, in different colours, a good dozen pairs of socks and just as many underwear. She held up the pair that she had pulled out earlier and inspected them. She couldn't help but snicker as she thought of Jasper picking out and buying her underwear. They were all plain cotton, bikini style. She looked at the bras, they too were plain cotton. Nothing too sexy, then. A disturbing thought occurred to her, _How does Jasper know my bra size?_ A search of the second drawer revealed a couple sweaters and several pairs of jeans, yoga pants and even a pair of sweatpants that looked extremely familiar.

She pulled the sweat pants out and Jasper's smell wafted up to her nose. Turning them over, she realized why they looked so familiar. They were the standard issue at Forks High; every student was given two shirts, a pair of shorts and a pair of sweat pants for gym class. She had had a pair exactly like this and they had been huge on her because the Coach—his name escaped her now—had not had any female sizes left. She had had to roll them up five times before they would fit but she had loved lounging around the house in them.

With a sigh, she put them back, thinking that Jasper must have run out of room in the other drawers because they were clearly his. Curiosity spiked and she opened the first of his two drawers. It was much like her first drawer: socks, boxers, shirts. The second held a few folded button down's and many pairs of worn in jeans. A frown graced Bella's features as she took in the contents of the drawers. Neither were particularly full, so why had Jasper put his pants with Bella's? Shrugging, she took the sweats out of her drawer and put them in with Jasper's jeans, closing the drawer firmly.

She then turned to the bed and took off the sheet she was wearing. She slipped the bra straps over her shoulders and fitted the clasp at the back, it fit perfectly. She frowned again, she would have to ask him how he knew what size to buy. Though, she reasoned, the odds of him telling the truth were slim. Bella slowly got dressed, her mind wandering over the new feelings and sensations that accompanied this body. She could see more, hear more, feel more than ever before. She could taste the air and hear the sounds of the most miniscule of creatures, small bugs and critters that moved in darkness.

When she was done, Bella turned to the door and found a pair of boots, also new, and slipped into them, tying the laces tightly. She stepped outside and breathed in the cold, sharp air of an Alaskan night. It was peculiar, walking out into the night with nothing but a t-shirt and jeans to protect her from the elements and yet not being affected by the cold. She certainly felt it, it nipped at her skin but it didn't bother her at all. She took a deep breath of the night air, tasting the world on her tongue, and she was shocked to see that her exhale did not cloud in front of her face until she remembered that she was no longer a warm blooded creature. Trying to ignore that train of thought, she looked around her, marvelling at the colours of the night, the deep blues, purples and greys. The moon was brilliant to behold and she found herself staring at it for a good minute before she heard Jasper's footsteps approaching her.

"A lot to take in, hmm?"

"It's...stunning," she whispered, not taking her eyes off the moon and the deep velvety sky surrounding it.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far," the bitterness in Jasper's voice made her turn and look at him. He met her gaze and shrugged, "I've seen thousands of nights Bella, it gets old after a while."

She turned back to the moon, "That's a shame," her voice was soft, "I hope I never reach that point in my life."

Jasper sighed, "Live long enough, and you will. Now, c'mon, I'm surprised you're not off gnawing on squirrels already."

Bella raised an eyebrow, not sure if he was trying to joke or not, "That seems rather counterproductive."

"Indeed."

He turned around and began running, heading for the woods. Bella paused for a second and glanced back up at the moon. She really hoped that she never lost the ability to see its beauty. Jasper was out of sight by the time she started after him but Bella found that she could follow his scent, he left a distinct trail which was easy to track with her new nose. As soon as she was sure of her ability to follow him, she took off like a bullet, delighting in the speed of this new body. For the first time since she woke up from her change, she felt happy.

She caught up with Jasper and they ran for a while until they both caught the scent of something musky on the air.

"Smell that?" he asked, stopping.

"Yes, and for the record, I do not approve," Bella said.

Jasper snorted, "You chose this, not me. I could go rustle us up some humans, though, if you want?" he made a show of looking sincere and eager. He probably was.

"Fuck off," Bella said shortly, though there was little malice in it.

He ignored her, "That's caribou, and your dinner."

He stepped in front of her, "Close your eyes," she hesitated and he rolled his eyes, "Oh, just do it. Trust me, it's not worth the effort it would take to kill you."

She glared at him but eventually closed her eyes. She could smell him, standing so close. His scent was sweet, but it had a hint of spice, something that reminded her of apples and cinnamon hearts.

"Listen and breath, find your prey without your eyes. Once you have it, lock on to it, let your body do the rest," she heard him step back, standing so that he was off to the side and behind her. She stood there, feeling kind of foolish as she listened and inhaled deeply. She was just about to open her eyes and tell Jasper that she was a defective vampire and that he better ask for a refund when it happened. The wind shifted and it blew a stronger wave of that warm, musky scent, and her nose latched on to it. Again, her body reacted instinctively. She slipped into a crouch as she began running, her eyes now open and guiding her. She heard Jasper following her at a slow pace but he was too far behind to be any threat. She closed in on her prey, spotting an entire herd, and the burn in her throat erupted into a furnace of flames.

She pounced.

An excited giggle slipped out of Bella as she ran and soon she was laughing wildly, letting out a little "woo hoo!" here and there as she jumped over small ravines and fallen logs. She marvelled at how the world stayed in sharp focus, even though she knew she was speeding through it. She loved how her body seemed to react to obstacles without her mind really processing what was happening. She was ducking and weaving through trees without having to consciously think about it, just like when she hunted. Bella briefly wondered why she was so giddy with happiness when she had been angrier than a raging bull mere hours before but she lost the train of thought as she leaped over a large boulder in the middle of the river.

She had finally eaten her fill of caribou and now felt a little sloshy, but satisfied. Jasper had not warned her that the taste of the animal would feel wrong on her tongue, despite the fact that the blood itself cooled the burn. It had taken some getting used to, but she was determined to do this the right way, Carlisle's way. She may not have been on good terms with the vampire family, but that didn't mean she felt the need to turn into a savage because of it. Despite the foul taste, Bella had forced herself to continue eating, and now she had rewarded herself with a job well done by exploring what her new body could do. She felt like a child, running around wildly and giggling.

Jasper was leading her and she followed his scent until it led to a clearing. He was standing there, waiting for her, hands on hips. She couldn't let his shitty mood get to her; she laughed again and launched herself at him. She saw his look of surprise as he realized what she was up to, but he didn't move fast enough to get out of her path of destruction. They collided with a loud bang and the force threw them both backwards, the snow around them flying everywhere. Bella's force knocked her ass over head and she landed on her back, her head next to Jasper's. She burst out laughing again.

Jasper sat up and started brushing snow off of himself, "Just _what_ is so funny?" he demanded.

"Your face, that's what," she snickered.

"Real mature," Jasper retorted, but she thought she heard a hint of a smile in his voice.

"Hey, I'm new at this. Go piss on someone else's parade and let me have my fun," Bella said, lying in the snow and staring up at the sky. The Northern Lights were brilliant with her sharp vision. She sighed and started packing snow under her head to use as a pillow.

"Newborns," Jasper scoffed, turning around so that they were side by side, though he did not lie down next to her.

"Newborns?" Bella asked, turning to look at him.

Jasper nodded, "That's what you are. The first year of a vampire's life is considered to be their newborn year; they're very volatile and emotional, prone to sudden outbursts. They're strong as hell because of the human blood that still resides in their bodies which means they can be hard to control." He glanced at Bella, who was watching him carefully, "And trust me when I say that you'll not have a lick of control once you smell a human. It's hard for seasoned vampires, for newborns its nigh impossible."

Bella turned away and looked back at the sky above her, thinking about Jasper's words, "How long does it take to get that kind of control?"

He shrugged, "After about a year you can walk down a city street and not cause carnage but I wouldn't stick you in a small room with them and expect anyone to be alive afterwards. It usually takes three to five years before you can sit next to one and stand it for any length of time."

"Five years?" Bella gasped. He just nodded.

"But..." she hesitated, "then I could go back, right?"

Jasper's face looked sad as he gazed out at the white tundra, "No. You can never go back Bella."

She sat up, " _What_?"

"I'm sorry bu—"

"You're _sorry_?" she screeched. In the blink of an eye Bella had flipped over and thrown herself at Jasper, her teeth bared. She caught a glimpse of Jasper's surprised face before he reached out, grabbed her by the shoulders and threw her over him. She landed in a flurry of snow and hard ground but she didn't feel any of it.

"Bella, sto—"

She flew at him again, snarling. This time Jasper didn't wait for her to reach him. With equal speed he was up in a flash and charging at her. Bella felt a surge of satisfaction run through her. Finally, he was going to fight her. This could only end one of two ways; either he would take her down or she really would dance around his bonfire. She grinned at the thought. Jasper headed straight for her as if he merely intended to crash into her and Bella suspected that he would feint to the right or the left. She would go low, take him out at the knees. They were an arm's length away from each other when Jasper made his move.

He didn't feint to the side like Bella had anticipated. As she had ducked low to take him out Jasper bent at the knee and launched himself over her. She felt his hand skim her head as she dropped and she looked up to see him practically cartwheel over her body. Before she had a chance to change her direction there was a sharp tug on her hair and she was pulled backwards, landing flat on her back.

"You pulled my _hair_!" Bella snarled as Jasper landed on her. His body pressed hers into the ground, pinning her there, and he grinned. She bucked her hips, throwing Jasper up just enough to get her knees to her chest and under him. In that position she was strong enough to throw him off of her. "What are you, a fucking _girl_?" she asked as she watched him fly backwards. Jasper landed in a graceful crouch, ready to pounce once again, but he didn't move. He waited, watching Bella. She contemplated him for a second and then flew into action.

As soon as she started moving, so did Jasper. They charged each other again but this time Bella feinted first. She dodged Jasper by quickly stepping to the right. He spun on his heel, trying to catch her a mere second after but Bella was long gone. She ran for the nearest cover of trees, knowing that Jasper would follow her. She heard his footsteps behind her but she made no indication that she would stop. She ran into the tree line, careful to never run in any one direction for too long. She listened as Jasper steadily got closer and closer, pushing himself to his limits. When he was within grabbing reach she suddenly changed direction, running at the nearest tree. She jumped, twisting in midair so that she could kick off from the wood. Jasper's face was completely stunned as he watched her sail over him. It was his mistake because within seconds she was on his back, her hand in his hair, yanking his head to the side and exposing his neck.

Jasper growled his frustration and reached back, grabbed her under the arms and flung her off of him. She sailed through the air, hitting trees as she went, finally coming to a crashing halt at the base of a tree that was too thick for her body to knock over. Before she could pull herself to her feet and attack again, Jasper was on her, flinging her face down into the snow covered roots. He grasped her left arm and pulled it back until she shrieked with pain. She could feel it straining at the socket, her skin felt like it was stretched to the point where it would start to tear.

"Are you going to stop now?" he growled.

"I hate you," Bella spat in response.

"Join the club," he said. He let off on her arm a tad and the pain receded almost instantly.

"Are you going to let me up?" she demanded. She wasn't very comfortable with the position they were in. And it wasn't the fact that she was getting an up close and personal look at the ground.

It was the fact that Jasper's hips were pressed firmly against her ass, pinning her to the ground.

And she liked it.

She growled furiously as she felt heat blossom in her gut and her muscles automatically clench. _No! No, no, no, NO! What the hell is going on?_

He chuckled and she didn't know if it was because he could sense her arousal or if he just liked being a dickhead. For the first time, she desperately hoped it was the latter.

"Are you going to play nice?" he asked, still chuckling.

"YES!" she practically screamed. Squirming did no good, it only forced Jasper to press closer to her, his knees on each side of her own, his thighs against hers. She growled, ready to snap at him and ask him if he was enjoying himself when she felt something hard against her ass.

She froze.

Faster than she thought was possible for even a vampire, Jasper had released her and jumped back. She stood up quickly and brushed herself off, glaring at him as she did so. He was crouched several feet away, ready to defend himself if he had to. Bella's eyes darted to his pants but she couldn't see anything because of his position. She quickly brought her attention back to his face but it revealed nothing, as usual. She decided then and there that she didn't want to go there. She would pretend that it hadn't happened, that she had imagined it, she probably had anyway. Instead, she asked a question.

"Why can't I go back? In five years, they'll have forgotten the details about what I looked like and think it's just natural for me to look like this. I can keep the secret; you did it for long enough."

Jasper straightened out of his crouch but Bella resolutely kept her eyes peeled to his face "No, you _can't_ keep the secret! I can because everyone I knew when I was alive has been dead for over a hundred years! How do you explain your disappearance? What happens when your father goes to hug you? Or do you think he won't want to hug the daughter he hasn't seen for half a decade? How would you live in the same quarters as a human and explain that you don't eat, or your inability to sleep? Did you plan on choking down three meals of human food every day? Good luck with that, it's repulsive to you now!"

Jasper turned around and began stalking away from her angrily, "And you put every single human you know at risk. They could be killed for knowing that we exist, hell, _you_ could have been killed for the same thing before I changed you."

"Why? By who?" Bella asked, following him quickly. Once again, she was astonished by how quickly her mood shifted. She had been fighting to kill this man mere minutes before, now she was acting like a puppy, scrambling to catch up to him.

"The Volturi," Jasper sighed, "They're like our version of royalty and law enforcement. There's only one real rule for a vampire and that's to never expose what you are to human beings. That means you can't go telling anyone, you can't walk down the street in sunlight or hunt in a conspicuous way that might tip them off. If you do tell a human, or they figure it out, and the Volturi get wind of it, that human becomes a midday snack for the guard."

"Sweet Jesus," Bella whispered.

Jasper snorted, "You can say that again."

They continued to walk at a human pace in silence while they both thought about Jasper's words. It was a worse fate than dying, at least for her. Her friends and family would think that she was dead, most likely, but she would always know, always ache to see them, be with them again, and never be able to. She would never cook Christmas dinner for Charlie and the Black's ever again. She would never dance around the kitchen with Chrissy, never spy on boys with Danny, never sit in her favourite lectures or go to Down Dog's to argue with Joe.

 _Christ, you know it's bad when I think of Joe fondly_.

Even in her head, she sounded bitter.

Suddenly, Bella stopped and turned away, walking in a different direction from Jasper without a word. He turned and followed silently; she wanted to tell him to fuck off and go somewhere else but she found that she just didn't care enough. If he wanted to follow her, fine. She walked, listening to the snow crunch under her feet and tried to summon the rage that she had felt when she first laid eyes on Jasper. But she couldn't, she didn't have the energy. She was just... sad. Her throat was burning dully but it was nothing compared to the lump she was trying to swallow. There was a pressure behind her eyes and they burned as if...as if she were trying to cry but couldn't.

"GOD DAMMIT!" she screamed suddenly, remembering Esme's tearless sobs, she clenched her fists and ducked her head. "I can't even _cry_."

She sat down abruptly, folding her legs underneath her and glaring at the snow. Jasper stopped behind her but said nothing. She waited until she knew she had her voice under control, before she asked,

"What else can I not do?" her voice was so quiet, only another vampire would hear.

She didn't turn around to look at him, but it sounded like Jasper was raking a hand through his hair again, "Sleep, eat, cry, no need to go to the bathroom ever again, of course there's the no walking in sunlight thing and..."

His hesitation made her turn and glare at him, "And?"

He wouldn't look at her, instead he stared blankly at the trees around them, "Children. You can never bear a child."

She spun around again, feeling that lump in her throat intensify. Her hand automatically went to her abdomen, her barren womb. It wasn't like she had daydreamed about having a house full of babies or anything, but she had hoped that she would meet someone, in some distant 'someday' and that they'd have a family. She had wanted that option, now it had been taken from her.

"You did this to me," she said, her voice colder than the air around them.

Jasper either didn't have anything to say to that or he wisely decided to keep his thoughts to himself. She could feel his gaze burning holes into the back of her head and for the first time she wished she had Edward's talent, that she could read minds.

"We should go back," she said suddenly, keeping her back to him and his unrepentant gaze. She took off running, following their earlier trail, without waiting for Jasper's response. She didn't need his permission to go back and she certainly wasn't going to wait for it. _To hell with him_ , she thought.

They said nothing as they ran and Bella tried her hardest to ignore the feelings welling within her. She felt devastated; she hadn't wanted this life...at least, not anymore...not without someone to share it with. Eternity was an awful long time to be alone and bitter, but what else did she have? Christ, she couldn't even get herself knocked up so that she could have someone to love and love her in return. _Though_ , she thought, _that's probably a bad idea no matter what I am._

She saw the cabin in the distance and put on burst of speed, outstripping Jasper easily. She got to the door first and reached out for the handle. She gripped it too hard and felt it cave beneath her hand. She whipped her hand back as if she had been burned and stared at what she had done. The metal held a perfect mould of her hand; gently, she matched her fingers up to it, almost hoping that it wouldn't be a perfect fit. She heard Jasper come up behind her.

"When you're a newborn it's hard to control the strength if you're not concentrating on it, you pretty much have to think about it all the time," he said quietly.

Focusing, Bella gripped the door knob again and opened the door. She didn't step in, but nor did she turn around. Instead, she paused in the doorway and spoke quietly.

"You should have killed me."


	7. Chapter 7

  
_I dreamed I was dying, as I so often do. And when I awoke I was sure it was true. I ran to the window, threw my head to the sky and said, "Whoever is up there, please don't let me die."_ — "Calendar Girl" by STARS

It was a week before they were able to have a conversation that didn't dissolve with anger.

By the end of it, Bella was ready to rip her hair out from the frustration. Part of her hated Jasper and wanted to beat him into oblivion; there were days when she couldn't stand the sight of him, days when his scent drifting into the room made her hackles rise and a growl rumble out of her chest. But there was another part of her, a smaller part, that felt for him. She'd have to be heartless in order to look at the man before her and not feel _some_ sympathy; this was the same Jasper that used to hold himself straight, look you in the eye, and speak with a self assured voice. That Jasper was no longer here, or if he was, she couldn't find him in the angry creature she lived with.

It was two days after Bella had snapped at him that she tried to reach out, bridge the gap between her and his silent form. The cabin they were in was relatively small; it was only one room really, it held a shabby bed, a beat up dresser, a table and a couple chairs. The fireplace had various pots, kettles and metal cups hanging off of it but they had no need for any of that. Jasper was sitting on one of the three folding metal chairs, staring off into space. He had closed off from her the moment she told him that he should have just killed her. He didn't try to influence her emotions again, even when she paced around the small cabin restlessly. He just stared out the window, silent as a statue. When it came time to hunt, he went with her but he never took down his own kill, and his eyes became darker with each passing day. She watched him and wondered.

Hoping to show him that she wasn't opposed to trying to mend their...friendship? Was that what it was? She had never really considered Jasper a friend per se. He was just...family. They didn't really talk when they had both lived in Forks and so she had never gotten a chance to get to know him very well, hell, she didn't even know how old he was or when he was made. But back then he had been a Cullen and for her, that had been synonymous with family. With these thoughts in her head, she turned to face him from where she sat on the bed.

"Thank you for buying clothes for me, it was very kind of you," she said, looking down at her jean clad thigh. She was wearing the same clothing that she had worn for the past two days. Not having a human body meant that she didn't sweat so she didn't need to change these clothes unless she got them dirty from an external source. She had been pretty careful when hunting, not wanting to waste what little clothes she had.

"I didn't want to see you running around naked," Jasper said, his voice monotone and disinterested.

"Still," Bella said, trying to keep the polite tone in her voice and not let the irritation show, though he could probably feel it, "you didn't have to. So, thank you."

She looked down at her lap again, taking in her pale hands against the dark wash jeans, "I still think it's strange that I'm not uncomfortable in these jeans."

Jasper made no indication that he had heard her.

"I never used to be able to stay in jeans for a long time," she continued as if they were having a conversation, "as soon as I got home from school I'd change into an old pair of sweats. There's something comforting about that soft material around you, nothing clinging to you, or digging into your hips."

"That's why I gave you the sweats in your second drawer," Jasper said, not looking at her.

"What?" Bella said, "The sweats?"

Suddenly, Jasper moved. It startled her, he had been a statue for so long that she blinked when he flew across the room and yanked open the second dresser drawer open. He stared at the contents for a split second before slamming it closed and pulling open the top drawer. He wasted even less time on that before he was reaching for his drawers. He pulled them both open and saw the pair of sweatpants, neatly folded, sitting on top of his jeans. He stared at it.

"Not good enough, hmm?"

"What?" Bella asked, extremely confused.

"Nothing I do, or give you, is good enough, is it? It will never be enough, will it?"

"What are you talking about, Jasper?" she said, staring at him with a worried frown on her face.

"WHAT CAN I DO TO PROVE TO YOU THAT I'M SORRY?" he screamed, kicking the drawer shut. The wood split from the force of his blow.

Bella just stared at him. Looking at his dark red eyes, they were the same shade as a fine red wine, but hard and angry as he glared at her. They didn't seem to hold any repentance, no sadness, no remorse. He was sorry? _Sorry?_

"You're _sorry!_ " she repeated in disbelief, shooting up from her seat, "what? You expect me to say, 'it's okay Jasper, I understand why you did _this_ to me?'"

"What happened to the whole, "I don't blame you" bullshit?" he spat.

"I don't blame you for the Cullens leaving!" she cried, throwing her hands up in the air, "I don't blame you for trying to take a bite out of me when I was a human, bleeding in front of you. I don't blame you for...for... _Edward_ leaving me, but this?" she pointed to her red eyes, "I blame you for _this_."

"It's the same god damn thing!" he shouted.

"NO IT ISN'T!" she hollered right back, "On my birthday I was _bleeding_ in front of you but five days ago? I wasn't bleeding, I was _crying_. And you still attacked me."

"You pushed me," he said, his teeth gritted.

"Oh _please_ ," she said, rolling her eyes, "God forbid anyone ever argue with Jasper because heaven knows, he might fucking _bite you_ cause he has _no_ self control!"

She realised that she was in his face, their noses almost touching, when she felt her breasts brush his chest. Remembering the uncomfortable moment of arousal back in the woods, Bella jumped back, knocking the bed out of the way but Jasper followed her with practiced speed. He didn't seem to care that he was in her personal space, their chests heaved with emotion and unnecessary breathing. "Don't you see? You've ruined my life! This isn't what I wanted!"

He looked at her incredulously, "Not what you wanted? Christ, you were begging Ed—" he snapped his mouth closed on the word and blew his breath out through his nose, "You were practically begging to be made a true Cullen the last time I saw you!"

"You just don't get it do you?" she said, screaming at the top of her lungs. She felt like a coiled spring that was ready to break loose. "I don't want an eternity _alone_! I wanted an eternity _with_ him! None of this," she gestured to her body, "means anything without _him_! It wasn't supposed to be _your_ venom running through my body!"

Silence descended upon them, the only sound in the cabin was their laboured breathing, a product of their emotions rather than their body's needs.

"You can say sorry till the world ends, Jasper," her voice was quiet, it sounded strange in the aftermath of their yelling, "but it will never be enough."

She turned away from him and walked out of the cabin, escaping to the fresh air beyond its walls.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Neither of them tried to communicate again until another five days had passed. They had carefully ignored and avoided each other as much as possible; it was actually an impressive feat considering that they were living in a tiny cabin together. Bella was lying in the snow, watching the Northern Lights, when Jasper came to find her. She was curious when he sat down beside her but she said nothing, knowing that he would feel her emotions and would choose to answer her curiosity or not.

He was silent for a little while, leaning back on his hands so that he could watch the light show above them. Finally, he said, "It wasn't three days."

"What wasn't?" she asked.

"Your transformation. It was four."

"Oh, is that odd?"

He shrugged, "Considering the circumstances, not really."

Bella turned and raised an eyebrow at him. He sighed, looking weary, "You had very little blood left in you, you were practically dead."

She turned back to the sky and nodded quietly, understanding. The venom had had a lot of work to do, then. "Why are you telling me this?"

"I don't know, really," he said, a humourless chuckle leaving his lips, "Maybe I'm a masochist."

"Masochist's hurt themselves," she pointed out, thinking that he had the wrong word.

"I know," he said quietly.

She said nothing. They stared at the stars, at the Northern Lights, at the velvety blue sky. They watched the world change from dark blues and purples to light grey as the sun slowly rose. They heard birds flying around, chirping to each other, and keeping a safe distance from the two predators lying silent in the snow.

The world was awash in light when Bella turned to Jasper, "I want to find out what's happening to my family and friends. I need a computer."

Jasper merely nodded, "Let me run back to my hotel room and get the rest of my stuff, I'll park the car on the nearest road and come back to get you. Will you stay here?"

Bella nodded silently and listened as Jasper stood up, brushed himself off, and started running. She stayed where she was, having no intentions of going back to the cabin. She lay there, thinking about everything and the way she felt about it. She was angry: angry at Jasper, angry at the Cullens still, angry at fate and the world in general. But she was also tired, so god damn tired of being _angry_. She couldn't forgive Jasper for what he'd done, she thought she had when she was dying in his arms, but when she woke and realized what she had become all sense of forgiveness had vanished in the wake of her rage. She didn't know if she could ever find it in her to forgive Jasper, but she was willing to try.

She vowed to try.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOO**

It didn't take Jasper long to go back to the hotel and gather his things. He found her exactly where he had left her and, when he stepped up to her side to tell her that it was time to go, she held out a hand to him. It was a simple gesture, as far as these things go, but it held meaning and Jasper knew that. He looked at her hand, stretch out and waiting for his, a million things flashing through his eyes. She didn't need his help getting up, not really, but she wanted it.

He took her hand and hauled her to her feet.

She smiled at him, softly, and brushed the snow off her jeans. "Thanks."

"No problem," he said, he gestured over his shoulder, "Shall we?"

They ran to the car that Jasper had parked in the brush. They hopped in and Jasper started driving. They drove for hours, only stopping when they needed gas. Bella didn't ask where they were going, Jasper didn't offer. They didn't make small talk, they didn't need to. They were both calm and contemplative; Bella enjoyed the rhythm of the car, the quiet purr of the engine, Jasper's slight movements as he shifted gears or slowed down. She breathed in his scent as it mingled with hers in the cab of the car; Jasper's scent was all over this car, infused with the plastic and leather, she could smell him on everything. Her scent wasn't as strong, but it was there, slowly seeping into car, right alongside Jasper's. For some reason, that thought made her smile.

They left Alaska eventually, and entered Canada. There was a surprise at the border for Bella; Jasper had prepared her for seeing a human and had, with her permission, laid on a thick dose of calming vibes. By the time they rolled up to the guard, Bella was holding her breath and feeling extremely relaxed. Belatedly, she thought that this was probably the closest she'd ever get to sleeping again. Jasper had another surprise in store for her though; he handed over two passports at the request of the guard. It wasn't until that moment that Bella realized that she had no ID, nor could she use her old ones because Isabella Swan was probably presumed dead by now. The guard looked into the car, taking a good look at Bella's face, and Bella felt the burn in her throat pick up slightly. She wasn't breathing, so she couldn't smell him, but she could _see_ the vein in his neck as it pulsed slightly. It made her mouth pool with venom. She smiled at him tightly, just long enough to assure him that everything was fine, and then turned back to her window, peering at the car next to her. Thankfully, the guard was satisfied and he let them go.

As soon as they were a safe distance away, Bella let her breath go. Jasper had all of the windows open so that the human's scent was washed away. She was thankful.

"How did you get a passport for me?" she asked him, it was the first words she had spoken to him since he had taken her hand.

"You probably didn't know but, back when I lived with the Cullens, I was in charge of getting our ID's and what not together," he told her, his hair was a wild mass of curls in the wind.

"No, I didn't," she said.

He nodded, "Well, back when we all lived in Forks, I took the liberty of getting things ready for you. I picked up the blank ID's from the crooked lawyer we used to work with and put your picture in myself; I filched that from the school records office which, you may want to know, it horribly disorganized. Took me nearly an hour to find your file."

Bella grinned at Jasper's tone and realized that they were having a civil conversation. A normal, almost happy, conversation. She smiled wider.

"May I see?"

"Uh," Jasper hesitated for a split second before he reached into the driver's side cup holder where he had stashed them. "Sure."

Bella wondered at his hesitancy until she opened the passport and looked at her new name.

_Isabella Marie Cullen_

She stared at it for a long time. She had once fantasized about having this name, about becoming a Cullen both by venom and by marriage. Now she had it...but she really didn't. It was really just a name, and a name without meaning was nothing. She was no more a Cullen now than she had been when she still had a beating heart. It was Jasper's venom that ran through her veins now, and he wasn't a Cullen anymore either. She sighed and closed the passport, handing it back to Jasper.

He took it and stashed it away. For a long time, they were silent, and Bella was thankful that Jasper didn't voice any comments about her emotions. She knew that he was feeling them but he kept blissfully quiet.

"So where are we going?" she asked after a while.

"Nunavut," Jasper said.

"Nuna-what?" Bella asked.

He grinned, "It's part of Canada, very remote. It's not as cloudy as Alaska but it's pretty darn close. We won't run into anyone. There's...a house there."

"Ah," she said, a little seed of dread spreading in her stomach, "A Cullen house."

Jasper nodded and opened his mouth. He hesitated, as if weighing the words he was about to speak, "No one has been there for almost ten years. They rotate through homes every five years or so and that one was the house we lived in right before we came to Forks. It won't be used again for at least another five years."

Bella almost sighed with relief and she smiled slightly to herself. Jasper had obviously picked up on her feelings and figured out the reason behind them. She had dreaded the possibility of seeing...Edward. She closed her eyes, letting the name ring through her mind. She had told Jasper that she never wanted him to say that name in front of her and, so far, he had respected that. But why should she fear a name? Hadn't she gotten over this before she was turned? Why was she taking two giant steps backward?

"Thank you for telling me that," she said, "I'm not exactly ready to see Edward."

Jasper raised an eyebrow at her but ignored her casual use of his name. Instead he pointed out something far more daunting,

"One day, you'll have to face him again."


	8. Chapter 8

  
_I'm a new soul, I came to this strange world hoping I could learn a bit 'bout how to give and take. But since I came here, felt the joy and the fear, I'm finding myself making every possible mistake_ – "New Soul" by Yael Naim

Jasper had been right. It really _was_ remote. Actually, everything that they had driven through had been remote, the recurring themes being rock, pine trees...and more rock. Bella had never been to Canada but she fervently hoped that it wasn't all like this... it was really green. She said as much to Jasper.

"You said the same thing about Forks," he smirked.

"Did I?"

He nodded but offered no more information. Bella's memories were fading fast, becoming more and more murky, and she didn't want to lose them.

"Tell me? Please?" she asked.

So he did. He couldn't tell her everything, after all, but he told her what he knew. He told her of coming from Arizona, having been there he was able to tell her about it, and as he described the hot sun and purple mountains, she started to remember. She filled in his blanks as her memories started to surface, she told him of her family home, where she had grown up. About making mud cakes in the front yard and getting her mother's dress dirty. He asked her about ballet, which triggered another memory; one of her in a dark ballet studio, her entire body aching from having just been thrown across the room.

She looked down at her hand and traced the crescent scar. Jasper looked over, glanced at her hand and then up at her, but she was still looking at her scar.

"I could have killed you myself when I realized you weren't in that bathroom anymore," he said quietly.

Bella looked up at him, but said nothing, so he continued.

"It was weird, for me," he said, sounding thoughtful, "I had never had much of a reason to care for a human, but there you were; all innocent and fragile, running straight into his arms, sacrificing yourself for your mother." He glanced at her, "It shocked me to realize that I was terrified of getting to that studio only to find you ripped limb from limb."

Bella didn't know what to say to that, so instead, she joked. "You know, I tried to use my pepper spray against him," she smirked slightly, "It didn't work."

Jasper snorted, "Did you really? Christ, you've got some balls."

Bella grinned, "Some call it balls, others call it clinical retardation."

He chuckled, "You said it, not me."

They filled the rest of the drive with mindless chatter like that. Bella inquired about his age and he told her about having been made during the Civil War and his role in the Vampire Wars of the South. She had, of course, noticed his scars a long time ago, but it hadn't been a priority when she had first spotted him with her vampire eyes. Her rage had been paramount then, nothing else had mattered. Now she took a closer look and noticed that he was, indeed, covered in them. She reached out a hand and traced the curve of one in the crook of his elbow; his skin was as soft as hers, with very slight bumps along the scar tissue. He shivered and pulled his arm away,

"Don't," all the humour that had been in his voice vanished.

Bella yanked her hand back as if she had been burned and turned to look out the window, trying to squash the hurt before he felt it emanate from her.

He sighed, "I'm sorry, it's just... I don't like them, the scars."

She nodded and changed the subject. She asked him where he had been wandering to since he left the Cullens and he told her. All over, it seemed. He had been to Europe, Africa, and Asia, just wandering through the countries as he pleased. He told her stories about his interactions with foreign vampires, about the cultures and how the human ones differed from the vampire ones. She listened quietly as he spoke, watching the world fly by and before she knew it, he was turning off on a long driveway that was eerily familiar.

They pulled up to a house in the middle of the woods. It wasn't nearly as grand as the one in Forks, for she had vague memories of that one, but it still looked beautiful. It was two stories tall and made of stained wood. There was a porch that wrapped around two sides of the house and big bay windows on both floors, letting in all the daylight. As Bella looked out at it she felt that she just might enjoy living in such a place. It looked...warm, cozy.

They got out of the car and Bella was not surprised to find that she wasn't stiff, she was starting to get used to her body. Jasper popped the trunk and pulled out two very large duffle bags, he threw one to her, "That's yours."

"Mine? Did you go back to the cabin and get my clothes?" she asked, realizing that she had completely forgotten about the clothes in the dresser.

"Yeah, I packed up both of our things," he said, walking up to the front door and sticking a key in the lock. He opened the door and immediately turned to a panel beside him, he punched in the code and the light turned green.

"I didn't have this much clothing, Jasper," Bella told him, following him in.

"I know, I...picked up some more," he said, heading for the stairs. She followed him closely behind him, nearly walking into him when he stopped on the landing.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," he said, his voice dull. As he turned to look at her she knew that something was amiss, there were shadows in his eyes again... and they were pitch black now. "Which room do you want?"

"Well, who do they normally belong to?" she asked.

He started pointing them out, starting with the one closest to us, "Esme and Carlisle, Ed—l" he paused and glanced at me before finishing the word, "—Edward, Emmett and Rosalie's and...mine."

Understanding dawned in her mind as Jasper pointed to the room farthest away from them. The last time he had been in this house, he had probably been with Alice. That was the room he had shared with her. This place would be full of memories for him. Again, she felt sympathy for the man before her.

"Don't," he growled, "Just...don't."

Bella said nothing. Instead, she left him standing on the landing and slipped into the bedroom that belonged to Esme and Carlisle. As soon as she walked in, she could smell them. Their scents were there, faint and pretty stale, but still lingering. Bella wondered if Jasper was going to go into his old room and whether he'd be haunted by the scents and memories that awaited him there. She took a look around this new room, a space in which she would live, at least for now. The decor screamed "Esme", just like the house in Forks had. It was painted with light earth tones, soft liliac, off whites, beiges and lightly stained wood. There was a large bed in the center of the room, a dresser with a mirror over it, and a small desk that looked like it was meant for writing letters. The desk was extremely old and Bella gave it a wide berth, not wanting to accidentally destroy one of Esme's antiques.

Curiosity burned within her when she laid eyes on the mirror. There had been no mirror in the hunter's cabin and she had avoided really looking at reflective surfaces—water, the car mirrors—until she knew she could look in a large mirror and see her new face. Bracing herself for the worst—her mind conjured up some horrific Hollywood Bram Stoker ideas—she walked forward and watched as her new self came into view.

Her hair was pretty much the only thing that had stayed the same. It was glossier and fuller but still that deep shade of brown with a hint of red as it fell in waves to the middle of her back. Her face was more elegant than she was used to, the skin smoother, the cheekbones more defined and her upper lip was no longer fuller than her bottom. The scars and blemishes she had once had were gone and in their place was pale white beauty. _At least I'm pretty now, right?_ She rolled her eyes at herself in the mirror. The eyes were the only part that really bothered her; they were a brilliantly bright red. She knew that human blood made the eyes of a vampire turn red, but she had no idea how long it would take for hers to turn into the soft gold that she had once fantasized about having.

Sighing, she turned away from the mirror and put her bag down on the bed and opened it. Instantly, she was assaulted by a fresh scent, one that she had never smelled with this nose, but would know it anywhere.

It was her own.

In the bag were clothes, _her_ clothes. Ones she had worn as a human being. Band shirts were folded neatly next to old worn jeans and over sized hoodies. Socks, underwear, bra's, tights, even the panty hose from the one time she had to wear a dress were there. It looked like Jasper had raided her closet and dresser, packing it all neatly into this giant duffle. That meant that he had gone back to her house...her old house. Bella sat down beside the bag as a lump filled her throat once again. She was torn between gratitude that Jasper had done this for her, brought her back a little piece of her life, and jealousy that he had gone back to where she wanted to be most. She picked up a t-shirt and held it to her nose. There were faint traces of Jasper, probably from handling it, but it was overshadowed by her human scent.

Ironically, this scent did not make her throat erupt in flame. It smelled delicious, for sure, but there was no thirst there. It was simply the comfort of the familiar, something that she had never realized she would miss until it was gone. Slowly, she started taking out her clothes and putting them away. She made room for her stuff in the dressers and closets. Esme and Carlisle had left behind some of their clothes, not much though. She put their folded garments on the shelf in the closet and pushed all the hanging ones to one side.

As she unpacked her bag, she began to find little things here and there, things that were not clothes. The first thing she uncovered was her iPod and it's charger, she put it aside with a smile, grateful that she had it back but not wanting to try to use it yet. With her luck, she'd break it with her strength. Underneath some of her nicer sweaters were several picture frames wrapped in t-shirts. Slowly and very gently, she unwrapped them, the lump getting harder and harder.

Jasper had grabbed all of the pictures that littered her room. She was holding her family in her hands.

There was a picture of her and Charlie, she was probably about five or so, and he was trying to teach her how to fish. The picture had been taken by Billy Black while they bobbed in a tin boat on the ocean. There was a picture of her and her mother on the day that she married Phil, both of them smiling happily. There was a picture of Bella, Danny and Chrissy; they were all laughing so hard that part of Chrissy's head had been cut off by the jerking camera. Bella smiled, remembering the day, it had been her 20th birthday. The last picture was of her and Jacob Black down on the Rez; she was standing in front of him and he had his arms around her shoulders. His smile was wide and beautiful, hers was forced. They were posing next to two old motorcycles, or "little death machines" as she used to call them. She sighed, the memories returning. Jake had tried _so_ hard to bring her out of her rut after the Cullens left town, but it had been in vain. She had tried, really, she had, but everywhere she looked there were memories of _him_ and she just couldn't. It wasn't until she moved away that she started to come out of her self induced isolation. And even then, it had been a long, long time before the nightmares stopped.

She put the all of the pictures on the nightstand so she could see them whenever she was in the room. She didn't know how long they would be staying but she knew that couldn't leave the pictures in the duffle, it just felt wrong. She continued to unpack and found several other treasures; a couple of her favourite books, the little bear that had sat on her bed—it had been a gift from Danny—and at the very bottom was her laptop! She pulled it out, careful to keep her excitement under wraps in case she accidentally put her thumb through it, and plugged the charger into the wall. The little light started flashing, indicating that it was charging the battery. She almost clapped with joy but she was interrupted by a knock on the door.

"Come in, Jasper," she said.

He opened the door and she turned around, a profuse thank you on her lips, but it died as she took in his face. For a vampire with eternal beauty and youth, he looked haggard and worn. There were dark smudges under his eyes but it was the shadows _in_ his eyes that concerned her, his hair looked as if he had run his hands through it several times, and his breathing was laboured despite the fact that he didn't _need_ to breath.

"Jasper?" she asked, worried.

"I'm going out to hunt," he said shortly.

"Okay," she said slowly, "Do you want some company?"

She wasn't sure she wanted to be around him right now, it would probably just lead to a fight, but at the same time there was that part of her that wanted to know Jasper's pain, to understand it. She knew it had to do with Alice, and Alice no longer being a part of the picture, but how had that happened? Never, in a million years, had she thought that they would no longer be together.

" _No_ ," he said harshly, "I do not."

He turned and walked out, leaving the door open. Seconds later the front door slammed shut. With a sigh, Bella turned back to her bag and pulled out the last item.

It was a pair of sweatpants, standard issue from Forks High. Only this pair belonged to her. She thought about Jasper's, the ones that he had put in the drawer for her, as a peace offering of sorts. She had to admit, it was a bit of a weird peace offering, giving her pants, but who was she to question how his brain worked? The problem now was that the peace offering no longer seemed to hold. She had hoped that, in offering her hand, they might be able to mend their bridge, get to know each other, maybe even learn to like each other. After all, he was all she had now. If he left...she tried to crush the panic as she darted out of the room and down the stairs. She ripped the door open, pulling the handle clean off, and ran onto the porch.

Jasper's car was still there.

She sighed in relief and sat down where she stood. She stared at the car, not really seeing it, rather, seeing the two vampires who had sat in it and enjoyed each other's company...for the most part, anyway. She had thought that they were making progress, after all, they _had_ had a decent conversation. For a little while she had forgotten that she was now a vampire, she had forgotten that she could never go home, she had been captivated by his voice as he told her about his travels and his life before the Cullens. How had she lost that? She thought back but couldn't see how anything she did was wrong; in fact, she had been mere seconds from jumping on him and hugging the life out of him for bringing her clothes and memories from her old home.

With a sigh, she stood up and closed the door, frowning at the door handle. Jasper probably wouldn't like that and she wondered if it would piss him off again. She hoped not, but who knew with him? She snorted, _and he says newborns are emotional and volatile? Kettle, black, anyone?_

She walked up the stairs slowly, pondering Jasper's abrupt change of mood. Granted, he hadn't exactly been the world's best companion, he was crotchety and snappish, but his little display in her room had been uncalled for and confusing. It was when she reached the landing of the stairs that she realized there was a theme to his moods.

Alice.

How could she have been so _thick_? She was so caught up in her own world, that's how. Bella followed his scent and, sure enough, he had gone into his old room. She opened the door and stood there in the doorway, not wanting to go in. She felt like she was invading his privacy, just standing there. She noted that his bag was not on the bed before she closed the door and decided to check to see if he was staying in one of the other two rooms. When she opened the door to Emmett and Rosalie's room, she had her answer. Sitting on the bed was his black duffle, an identical copy of hers.

She walked over to it, knowing that doing so was more of an invasion of privacy than standing in the doorway of a room, but there was something she wanted. She unzipped the duffle and was hit by his scent, sharp and spicy, she started sifting through it. All of his clothes were neatly folded as well and she could feel her fingers brushing against objects folded into shirts and jeans, but she didn't want to know what those were. She was looking for one thing...

Bella felt her fingers brush against the soft cotton that she remembered from before, grabbing it, she pulled them out without disrupting his neat piles. She didn't hesitate as she pulled her own jeans off and slipped the sweatpants on. They were soft against her skin and she smiled at the remembered comfort. It didn't matter that her body didn't get tired or stiff, that the jeans didn't dig into her hips anymore, or irritate her by being too tight, she still preferred the sweats. She zipped up the bag and left the room, carrying her jeans with her. She closed the door gently and turned to go back to her room when she spotted the one door she hadn't gone into.

Edward's room.

She looked at the door, as if sizing it up and tried to convince herself to walk away. She didn't need to go in there because she already knew what she would find. It would be a room that resembled the one he had in Forks, she remembered the gold carpeting and hangings, the floor to ceiling windows and the endless number of CD's. She didn't _need_ to see it. But that didn't stop her from squaring her shoulders and striding forward purposefully. She put her hand on the door handle and, mindful of her strength, opened the door.

Instantly, she was hit with his scent and it was like a punch to the gut.

She couldn't see the room though she was standing in the doorway facing it. Her mind was clouded with memories, they were filling up her consciousness; she remembered the sweetness of his breath when he kissed her, the delicious scent that clung to his jacket when he bade her to wear it in a little Italian restaurant, the way her pillow would smell of him long after he had left or the way she would inhale deeply whenever he was around. She remembered his crazy mop of bronze tinted hair, his golden eyes, the straight nose and hard jaw, the thin lips that she liked to kiss as much as possible. She remembered the way she fit against him perfectly, the way her head had tucked under his chin, making her feel safe in his embrace.

She remembered it all now, like his scent had been a trigger to open the floodgates of her human mind. The memories were still foggy, as if she were looking at them through a veil, but they were there and there they would always remain. She remembered the pain of his leaving, the words that he spoke in the forest and the hole that seemed so ragged in her chest.

She remembered, but she wished she didn't.

"Bella?"

She spun around, startled. She had been so deep in thought that she hadn't heard Jasper return. Considering that he was back, she must have been standing there for a very long time. He was looking at her curiously, almost worried, which just pissed her off. She narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Let's get one thing straight, shall we? I need you, I don't like it, but I do. I don't think I can do this alone. I'm sorry if that sucks for you, but as the phrase goes, 'you made your bed, now lie in it'. We're stuck together until I can be sure that I have control over myself, but in the mean time I will _not_ be your verbal punching bag, got it? You have your issues, I get that, I've got my own, but I'm trying here! I'm so fucking _sick and tired_ of feeling the way I do, so would you do us both a favour and tone down the nasty? I can't fucking take your PMS on top of my own."

Jasper stared at her, eyebrows raised, over his red eyes.

...over his _red_ eyes.

She growled.

"I see some things never change," she said, pushing past him.

"Bella, wait!" Jasper called, following her to her room where she threw her jeans onto the bed. "I'm sorry, I am."

She turned and glared at him, "For what? Being an asshole, or killing yet _another_ innocent person?"

He had the sense to look guilty, "Um...the first one."

"Figures," she rolled her eyes.

"Listen," he said hastily, "I brought you something." He turned and ran downstairs, coming back up within seconds. He held a large box of chocolates in his hands.

"Um, Jasper," she said, looking at the box as if it were a bomb, "I don't know if you missed the memo but..." she trailed off, glancing at him as if he had lost his mind.

He rolled his eyes and moved over to the bed, placing her empty duffle on the floor and moving the jeans. He patted the bed beside him, "Please, as if I could forget. Your mood swings are _worse_ than PMS, trust me."

"Hey," she glared but had to concede to him on that, even she could recognize that she went from hot to cold within seconds, hadn't she been angry with him mere minutes before? "I'm still pissed off at you, you know."

"No you're not," he said simply, "You're curious about this whole chocolate thing and..." he closed his eyes for a second, as if he were listening to something distant, "and worried...about me I think?"

Bella nodded slightly, now more curious than ever. Jasper had definitely used his gift on her before but there had only been one time when he had been this direct about her emotions. She remembered it now, standing in the Cullen home in Forks, holding onto herself and thinking that if they all died trying to protect her that it would be for nothing. He had been there, watching her, taking in her emotions. _You are worth it._

"Don't be," Jasper said, "I can take care of myself. This," he shook the box of chocolates, "is to help you with your control. I saw what you did to the front door, what happened?"

"Oh, I..." if she could still blush, she'd be brilliantly red now, "I...wanted to see if you'd taken the car."

Jasper frowned, "Why would that matter?"

Bella shrugged, "I didn't know if you'd come back...you were so mad and I didn't understand why."

Something in Jasper's face softened and he reached out for her hand. She took it and let him guide her to the bed. "I'm not going to abandon you. You said that you need me, well, the truth is that I need you too."

"What?" Bella asked, stunned, a frown of confusion quickly forming on her forehead, "Why?"

He smiled and it was a real, genuine smile, "You've given me something to do for the time being. Someone's gotta look out for you, right?"

Bella rolled her eyes but said nothing, feeling a happier that they were at least being kind to each other. "Okay, what are the chocolates for?"

Jasper opened the box and showed her the contents. There were several rows of the little, round Lindor chocolates wrapped in red plastic. He plucked one out, unwrapped it and dropped the chocolate back into the box. He held up the wrapper and, with her watching, slowly peeled the inner tinfoil away from the coloured plastic.

"Your mission, should you choose to accept it, but you really don't have much of a choice, is to peel the tinfoil from the plastic on as many of these chocolates as you can _without_ ripping either the plastic or the tinfoil," he said.

Bella stared at him, glanced at the two pieces in his hands, and then back up at him. She couldn't do that! He was insane! "You're insane!" she told him.

He grinned, "Oh, probably. I see a temper tantrum in the near future."

"What? I'm not a child!" Bella scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. Jasper raised an eyebrow her and gave her defensive posture a pointed look. She quickly let go of her arms, glared at him and picked up a chocolate. As she had thought, it was a disaster; she ripped the plastic in half before she had even removed the chocolate. She tossed it down and glared at Jasper who was chuckling.

"Shut up, you. I'll get it," she told him. She spied one of the exposed chocolates and picked it up, sniffing it. It still smelled like chocolate to her, but it was not appetizing in any way.

"Don't do it," Jasper said warningly, "You'll regret it."

She raised an eyebrow at him and popped the chocolate into her mouth.

And immediately regretted it.

Like the scent, it still tasted the same but the flavour was _wrong_. It made her stomach heave even though she had nothing to throw up. She spat the chocolate out into her hand and began wiping her tongue furiously against her other hand. She knew she probably looked ridiculous but she just wanted to get that _foul_ taste off her tongue. She looked up, expecting to see Jasper looking at her like she was a stupid child but what she saw was even more shocking.

He had his eyes squeezed shut, his fist in his mouth, and he was bent over, shaking with silent laughter.

He was beautiful.


	9. Chapter 9

  
_Holdin' on to something that's keeping me from jumpin', so afraid to go in alone. Holding up this fortress with imaginary forces, longing for a life down below_ – "Citadel" by Anna Nalick

Jasper and Bella moved their little experiment down to the main floor, settling on the couch, Bella with the box of chocolates in her lap.

Unfortunately, within ten minutes she had almost thirty balls of disgusting chocolate and even more pieces of wrapper. Jasper just grinned. Bella sighed in temporary defeat and got up to throw it all out. That was when she remembered her laptop. She flew up the stairs, grabbed it from where it had been charging, and ran back down to find Jasper still sitting on the couch, a pensive look on his face.

"Don't think too hard, it might start to hurt," she told him, her way of trying to get his mind off of it. It seemed to work because he sighed and, without looking at Bella, gave her a great big shove so that she toppled sideways.

"Hey! Watch the merchandise!" she said, pretending to be offended.

"I can buy you another laptop," he said, quirking an eyebrow at her. For some reason, it didn't make her want to hit him this time.

"I meant the _precious_ merchandise," she said with a pretentious air, "I am rather fragile, you know."

"You're something alright," he said, getting up from the couch. "Let me get you the mobile."

"The mobile?" Bella asked, opening up her laptop and gently pressing the on button.

Jasper came back, holding a little red USB key in his hand, "Mobile internet. Brilliant, really."

"Ah," Bella said, taking it and gently plugging it into her computer's port. They waited as the computer loaded and then connected to the mobile internet. Nervously, Bella opened the internet browser and typed her name into the search engine. Instantly, dozens of hits came up, all of them featuring words like "missing girl", "university student presumed dead", "police mystified", and "campus on high alert".

Bella sucked in an unnecessary breath and handed the laptop to Jasper, "You do it. I'll probably break it."

Jasper nodded quietly and clicked on the first link, it was an article from one of the local Alaskan papers.

**Young Girl Missing: Police Suspect Kidnapping**

_Isabella Swan, student of the University of Alaska Fairbanks, was reported missing on January 21_ _st_ _by a fellow student that she shares a residence with. Christina Cormier and Daniel Miller, friends of Isabella's, maintain that they have no reason to believe that she ran away. The police investigation has led the detectives involved to believe that the young girl was kidnapped from her room. While there was no obvious sign of an unauthorized entrance, there was a sign of a struggle in the victim's room. The roommates heard the crash of something breaking but hadn't thought anything of it as they often hear the movements of their neighbours, other students who share apartments both above and below the one Isabella Swan resided in. Nothing had been taken from her room during the initial sweep which indicated that robbery was not the aim. When questioned about the incident Ms. Cormier and Mr. Miller confessed to not knowing that their roommate was gone until the following morning when she did not wake at her usual time. By the time Mr. Miller went to find and wake Ms. Swan, she was already long gone..._

Jasper read the rest of the article that gave mindless details about what they had assumed Bella's life to be like: Nice, girl, hardworking, loyal friend, devoted student. _No one ever speaks ill of the dead_ , she thought to herself. The article gave details about how she worked at Down Dog's, how she majored in English and enjoyed recreational photography as a hobby. It expressed a doubt in the ability of the police to find Bella's kidnappers and alluded to the possibility of her being dead.

It wasn't, overall, exactly what she wanted to hear.

"Do you want to see any more?" Jasper asked quietly, looking at her. His mouth was pinched into a tight line and she wondered if he was upset because he felt guilty.

She nodded, "Try to find the most recent?"

He did a few more searches and found an article written the day before. Bella read the title.

**Father of Missing Girl Refuses to Believe Daughter is Dead**

Her father! Charlie! If her heart could beat, it would be pounding. She practically crawled into Jasper's lap in her eagerness to read her father's words, her body blocking his view of the screen. She read aloud:

_Alaskan state police have made an official statement declaring that they believe the missing girl from Alaska Fairbanks, Isabella Swan, to be dead. While the police intend to continue the investigation as to who took her and why, they have acknowledged that the odds of being found alive are slim at best. Her father, Chief of Police in small town Forks, Washington, refuses to believe this. "I won't believe it until I see my daughter's body." He told interviewers earlier today, he included that he intends to continue the search for his daughter, taking time off of his usual duties as an officer in Forks to find his only child. Swan's mother, Renee Dwyer, died several years ago with her second husband, Phillip Dwyer. Ms. Swan has no other family but she has left behind many friends, both in Alaska and in Washington. Many students were willing to speak to reporters about what a generous and kind person she was..._

Bella stopped reading as the article started to repeat what the other had already covered. Her eyes darted around the rest of the page, looking for links that may be related, when she saw the words "Charlie Swan pleads for daughter's return." She pointed it out to Jasper who clicked on it. A little window popped up and she waited, anxious, as it loaded. By the time it started playing she was jiggling both legs and chewing on her nails.

A female reporter appeared on the screen, "This evening, father of missing college student Isabella Swan, pleads with the public for the safe return of his daughter."

Bella watched as the screen cut to a shot of her father, standing behind a podium stuffed with microphones. She was shocked to see how haggard he looked, how tired and run down, how... _old_. Like most children, her father had often seemed ageless to her, even when he started getting grey hairs and laugh lines around his eyes. Sure, part of her knew that he would die one day, because everyone died. But that was in the distant future, and in the mean time he was her father and he loved her, and he would always be there for her in his quiet, steady way.

But now, watching the usually stoic Charlie Swan attempt to keep it together for the cameras, Bella was surprised to realize that her father was not some invincible force from her childhood. He was a human man, and he was falling apart.

"Please," he pleaded, his voice breaking on the word, "all I want is my daughter back. I will do anything, _anything_ , for her return. I understand," he choked and took a moment to compose himself, "I understand that the police forces working on her case believe that there is little chance of her being alive at this point. But I don't believe that. I won't believe it until I see her body with my own two eyes. So please, make your demands, I just want her back. I want her home, where she belongs."

Bella watched as Charlie broke down, quiet sobs shaking his body, and he was led away from the podium of microphones. Her eyes followed him greedily, drinking in the last glimpses of the man she had once hesitated to call "Dad". She was ashamed to think of how she had once resented him when all he had ever done was love her, even if it was from a distance.

She sat back down, leaving Jasper's lap, and stared at her hands. Jasper closed the laptop and put it on the cushion beside him before turning to Bella.

"I know you don't want to hear this right now but—" he began.

She held up a hand, "Then don't say it."

Bella got up and walked to one of the large bay windows, staring out at the greenery around the house. She felt a million conflicting emotions: guilt, remorse, and an aching loneliness warred within her. She wrapped her arms around her middle in that age old protective gesture; she didn't even realize the significance of what she was doing until the action triggered a memory. Her mind surfaced with images of many hours as a human spent huddled in the dark, her arms around her chest. Suddenly, she felt a burning desire to be free, to be away...away from Jasper. She turned around and found that, once again, she couldn't look at him. She felt sick; though she knew she couldn't actually be nauseated, the thought didn't comfort her. She addressed Jasper but stared at the wall behind his head.

"I'm going to go out for a run," she said, her voice sounding flat even to her ears.

She didn't wait for Jasper to nod, or ask if she wanted company, she just left, ripping the door handle out once again.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella ran for a long time, hours in fact. She ran until she encountered the ocean and a myriad of small islands*. She contemplated jumping into the water and swimming for one of them but decided against it simply because she didn't feel like getting wet.

She didn't feel like doing anything, really, so she sat down and stared out at the mist that danced and curled above the water's surface. She knew that running out of the house was probably the most immature thing that she could have done but, really, what other option did she have? She thought of the words of those reporters, the words of her father, and wished once again that she could cry. Her body shook with the sobs that would never satisfy while her eyes burned with tears that would never fall. She felt empty and alone.

She wished, more than anything, that she could tell her father about what had happened to her, to give him some sort of peace. But to do so would be to put him in grave danger, and that she could never do. The reality was that there was nothing she _could_ do besides try to move on. She knew that she couldn't easily end her life, she remembered the story of Carlisle's first few weeks as a vampire and the efforts he put into ending his existence. She couldn't go back, not if it risked everyone she loved. So the only thing left to her was to make something of this new life. She knew it was the right decision, but she felt no inner peace. There was no room for peace amidst all the sadness and pain.

 _God, what I wouldn't give to just be_ _normal_ , she thought, hugging her knees to her chest.

She realized that she was sitting on a wet rock in Jasper's sweatpants and immediately stood up. Jasper. She wondered how he felt about everything. He hadn't _looked_ indifferent as he sat beside her and read the articles, but who knew with him? Either way, she knew she couldn't stay away forever, he would probably come looking for her eventually. She brushed off the pants and looked around her once more. It was beautiful out here. In the distance she could see larger islands but the fog that had rolled in over the water kept even her sharp eyes from seeing anything definitive. She walked to the edge of the water and pulled up the pant leg of the oversized sweats so that she could stick one bare foot in the water. Her feet were dirty and smudged with evidence of her run but they didn't hurt. The water felt curiously cool to her skin—she had half expected it to be so cold that it burned. _Of course_ , she thought, _nothing is the same anymore._

She pulled her foot out and before she could think too hard about it, she pulled her clothes off, leaving them in a pile on the rock she had perched on.

The cold air caressed her skin gently as she waded into the cold water. To hell with not getting wet, she'd swim to one of those islands.

_Here's to hoping that Jasper doesn't come looking for me just yet..._

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

It was nearly dawn when Bella returned.

She had barely put her foot down on the first step of the porch when the front door flew open and Jasper was standing there. He stared at her, concern etched into his face, and she felt a little bit of the tension inside her ease as she gave him a weak smile. The sun was slowly coming up behind the house and its orange rays flooded the room behind Jasper, creating a glowing aura around him. His forearms sparkled gently in shades that made her think of mandarin oranges. She watched as the edges of his body became blurred by the light and for the first time she wished he still had his blonde hair; it would have caught the sunlight perfectly.

"What are you thinking?" he asked softly, his voice.

"I wish you still had blonde hair," she replied without hesitation.

He quirked an eyebrow at her, "Really? _That's_ what you're thinking?"

She smiled, fuller this time, and shrugged, "You asked."

"Are you coming in?" he stepped aside.

Bella walked in to find that Jasper had been cleaning up the house while she was gone. Surfaces that were previously covered in dust now shone in the morning sun. Without hesitating, Bella walked straight up to the big windows, drenching herself in the morning gold. She looked down at her arms and hands, watching as her skin reflected the light as if it were embedded with millions of tiny diamonds. She heard Jasper walk up beside her. She wiggled her fingers and watched as the light danced in response.

" _O! How that glittering taketh me!"_ Jasper murmured quietly. Bella looked up to see him staring at her shimmering hands.

"What?" Bella asked.

"It's from a poem called 'Upon Julia's Clothes**', it's about the sound and movement of a woman in a silk dress, about how beautiful she is, how free and vibrant," he said, his eyes still on her hands.

"It is beautiful," Bella agreed, turning back to her hands. "My mother used to have a wind chime in our kitchen window and it had glass pendants on it, I used to love watching the way it made the light dance across the walls."

Jasper looked at her face, "You remember that?"

Bella nodded, "I've been remembering bits and pieces, it's still foggy, but I usually remember something after some sort of trigger." She held up her glittering fingers and wiggled them again, "A trigger, glittering."

He nodded in understanding and turned to face the windows himself. Bella's eyes roved over his face, exposed to the light. Despite the fact that she now glittered, from head to foot, and that she had seen _others_ glittering before, it didn't stop the fact that it still felt odd to her. That being said, Jasper was someone who managed to _sparkle_ and still look handsome in that rugged and manly way that spoke to his human past.

"Do you ever wish that Hollywood was right about us?" she whispered, eyes glued to his face.

He didn't turn to look at her, but his lips twitched in a wry grin, "Hollywood? Are you saying you want fangs?"

She shook her head, "No...I'm talking about Holy water, sunlight, wooden stakes to the heart, garlic, silver chains..."

Jasper looked at her then, his eyes seemed to probe hers, as if willing the answers to be revealed. She was briefly reminded of Edward and she lowered her eyes despite the fact that he could read her emotions better than Edward could have.

"There's been many a time," he paused, seeming to weigh his next words carefully, "when I was wandering, after Maria...and when Alice told me that I was a monster."

Bella started and her eyes widened. She looked up at him, horror struck, as her own words came barrelling back into her mind.

 _I don't_ _want_ _to be a monster_. She had practically screamed the words at him, indirectly calling him a beast. The hurt that had flashed across his eyes suddenly made sense.

He must have seen the recognition in her eyes because he smiled softly at her and looked away, staring at the rising sun creeping through the tops of the trees.

"But now isn't one of those times," he whispered.

Bella wasn't sure she could agree, but she didn't know what to say.

So she said nothing at all.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella and Jasper quickly settled into a routine and the weeks turned into three months before Bella knew it. She avoided things like the internet, not wanting to be drawn into looking up her old life in Alaska. She had done it once after the initial search and it had ended with her breaking down into tearless sobs when she saw that her father and friends had started up a "Find Bella Swan" campaign. She wouldn't tell Jasper what had upset her so much but he probably knew because she found her laptop moved the next day. Her feelings about her change was an issue that they skirted around in the name of keeping peace. Often, it worked just fine; Bella found herself almost thinking of Jasper as a friend, they would sit and watch TV or a movie together, sometimes Jasper would play his guitar while Bella read on the couch, other times they would just wander the wilderness until they found a beautiful place to sit. Bella found that, being immortal, meant that she no longer felt compelled to cram as much into her day as possible. There were days when all she did was sit on the roof and watch the world around her. Those were the days that Jasper stayed away; probably because watching the world change with each day made her sad—she would never change again.

It was these thoughts and feelings that confused her the most; on the hand, she had once wanted to be an immortal, but she no longer had the one thing that had made this life a pleasant option. It made her feel awfully lonely, knowing that she would live forever—unless some other vampire killed her, of course, which was a grim thought. On the other hand, there were certainly aspects about being a vampire that she liked; she no longer fell over things and when she did happen to knock into something, it came out worse for the wear. It was hard to be afraid of anything when it was extremely hard for you to die.

But she was terrified that the novelty would wear off, and then where would she be?

Still, she tried to make the best of it. Jasper would always accompany her on her hunts, but instead of joining her in the actual hunting he would usually find a tall tree to perch in and keep an eye out for stray humans. He knew that it was important to her that she not kill anyone and so he made sure she was never exposed to anyone given how little control she had. Even when she wasn't hunting, they would often go out for runs. Bella liked to test the limits to her new body; she found that, short of flying, there really weren't many things she couldn't do now. Her favourite activity, by far, was finding the highest cliff that ended in water and jumping from it. Perhaps it was the knowledge that she wouldn't die, wouldn't get hurt, that made her love falling. There was freedom in losing control. Sometimes she was graceful and spread her arms wide as she fell, other times she let her body tumble and turn, hitting the water with a gigantic splash. Jasper would sit on the edge of the cliff and wait for her to scale the rock, soaking wet, just to do it again.

She continued to work on controlling her strength, using the chocolates that Jasper continued to buy her whenever he went out. He didn't hunt often, about once a week, but every time he came back with bright red eyes she avoided looking at him. She knew he could feel the disapproval that bordered on disgust, the sadness for the family of his victim (she refused to refer to them as _meals_ ) and the occasional anger that seemed to come from nowhere. Neither of them said anything about it, both of them happy to live in denial, but Bella knew that sooner or later it would come to a head between them. She needed Jasper to help her through her newborn years but she had no intention of living with someone who killed human beings for any longer than she had to.

Jasper had predicted that Bella would have a temper tantrum about the chocolate wrappers in the near future, and he wasn't wrong. It took her thirteen boxes to get to it, but eventually, Bella blew up.

"GOD DAMMIT!" she screamed, kicking the box of chocolates off of the couch as the last wrapper ripped in her fingers. She shredded the two pieces and threw them away from her in disgust. "I'm NEVER going to get this!"

Jasper strolled into the living room, looking for all the world like she had merely called him in for a spot of tea or a nice chat, "Something the matter?"

She growled at him, "You know damn well what's wrong. I HATE this!"

"Why don't you eat some of the chocolate?" Jasper suggested, grinning, "I've heard that it does wonders for a woman's PMS."

Bella, quick as a flash, scooped up one of the little balls and whipped it at Jasper's head. Being a newborn, she still moved faster than he did and so she had the extreme satisfaction of watching it bounce off his forehead. It landed on the floor with a light splat, looking decidedly flat from its impact with his skin. He glared at her.

"Real mature," he crossed his arms over his chest.

"Right," Bella countered, crossing her own arms, "Because you should win an award for suggestion of the year. _Eat_ the chocolate. Really."

"At least I don't have chocolate wrapper confetti in my hair," Jasper said, smirking once again.

Bella growled and flitted around the room, picking up the mess she had made and depositing it all in the kitchen garbage. The only thing they ever used in the kitchen was the garbage and Bella often wondered why the Cullens even bothered to have one put in this house, it wasn't like they ran the risk of having human visitors that they had to pretend for. She did her best to pick out all the little pieces of wrapper out of her hair before she decided to go out for a run; clearly Jasper was not opposed to driving her crazy today and she'd rather not participate.

She was halfway to the door when Jasper ran down the hall to get her.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Out for a walk," she replied, annoyed that there was a touch of a whine to her voice. She couldn't seem to help it. Jasper just shook his head at her. He was lucky that there was an affectionate kind of smile to his face otherwise she might have been tempted to take his head right off for him.

"Wait for a second, I know something that will cheer you up," he said. He grabbed her by the shoulders and marched her to the downstairs bathroom, a place that she had only visited once since they got there and only because she was curious about what it looked like. She used the bathroom across from her room and shared it with Jasper, but all they did in there was shower and that was only because they enjoyed it, not because they really needed to. Well, occasionally _she_ needed to. She did like to dive off cliffs after all.

When they reached the bathroom door Jasper said, "I'm going to cover your eyes with my hand. Don't panic."

She nodded, not really understanding why he had told her this until he had put his hand over her face. Her instincts suddenly screamed at her to haul him over her shoulder and throw him across the room. Blocking one of a vampire's senses was, apparently, completely different than doing it to a human. Still, with the warning she was able to squash the feeling.

"Good," Jasper told her, sensing it as she regained control over her feelings.

She heard him open the door, lead her in and turn on the light. He turned her body and she knew that she was facing the mirror, she just couldn't figure out why. She had looked at herself in the mirror this morning before she went out for a hunt. Before she had a chance to ask, Jasper removed his hand.

"Look at your eyes," he whispered.

She looked and was astonished to see that her eyes were slowly turning gold.

"But...but you said that my eyes would stay red for at least a year!" Bella stammered, recalling the conversation that they had had earlier.

Jasper smiled softly, but it didn't quite reach his eyes, "I know, and normally that would be the case. I believe, and I could be wrong, that the reason why your eyes are changing so quickly is because you had very little blood left in you."

Bella glanced up at Jasper's reflection in the mirror, but he wouldn't meet her eyes.

"This also probably means that your strength will even out sooner than normal," he continued, still not looking at her.

"That's okay," she said softly, "I'm not that keen on it, anyway."

He smiled but again, it didn't seem genuine. Bella wanted to ask him what was wrong but she couldn't seem to find the courage, afraid that he'd rebuke her again, and they'd been getting along so well for a while now. She didn't want to ruin that. Instead, she settled for showing him her gratitude that he took the time to show her this, to try and improve her mood.

"Thank you," she said softly.

Jasper said nothing; he just nodded and left the bathroom, an emotion she couldn't identify lingering in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian geography I'm referring to the islands that make up the northernmost part of our country. These islands separate us from Greenland (which isn't really all that green, for the record) and the two largest are Baffin Island and Ellesmere Island. They are part of Nunavut's territory and when I was a little kid, I was convinced that Santa lived up there with penguins. :D
> 
> ** "Upon Julia's Clothes" by Robert Herrick, 17th century English poet and one of my personal favourites. Go read that poem, out loud, and listen as it flows off your tongue.


	10. Chapter 10

  
_You can sit beside me when the world comes down_ – "Mona Lisa" by The All-American Rejects

"Jasper?"

Bella was sprawled out on one of the couches with a book in her lap. The TV was on, providing background noise, but neither of them paid it any attention. Bella had been staring at the same page for almost an hour, her eyes darting to Jasper's form more than once. He was sitting in the bay window of the living room, staring out at the landscape around him, with a blank expression on his face. Over the past few months Bella had gotten used to Jasper's moods, he was often angry or withdrawn, and Bella suspected that it was to hide the aching sadness that he felt. She didn't agree but...she understood.

He looked over at her but he wouldn't meet her eyes. In fact, Jasper hadn't really met her gaze since the day he showed her that her eyes were slowly turning into the golden colour she was used to seeing on the Cullens; she hadn't been bold enough to ask him why because a large part of her was afraid that the answer would complicate the delicate relationship that was slowly growing between the two of them. Instead, she had stared at her amber coloured eyes for a good hour that day, letting the moment become a joyous one. No, she couldn't change the fact that she was now a vampire, but she could choose how she would live this life.

She frowned at him as he stared at the spot between her eyes, "If I ask you something...can you promise not to get mad?"

Jasper's brow furrowed and he looked away again, "How can I promise something like that when I don't know what you're going to ask?"

"Easy," Bella said, closing the book and standing up, "you trust me not to purposefully invade your privacy. If you can trust that I'm not trying to pry, then you should be able to take the question as it's meant and not get angry."

Jasper sighed and looked in her general direction as she walked up to him. She perched at the other end of the window seat and drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them. He watched her movements but never looked at her face.

"What is it?" he sounded tired.

"When we met, outside Down Dog's, you said that everything was my fault," Bella whispered, looking out the window now too, "what did you mean?"

There was a heavy silence as Jasper seemed to consider his words.

"How do you remember that?" he finally asked, "Human memories are meant to fade! Yours just seem to be coming back!"

"I search for them," Bella said softly, watching the way the trees danced lightly in the wind, "the more I hunt around in my head, the more I find. Once I remember it, I get to keep it forever, even if it's not terribly clear."

"Sometimes, it's easier to forget," Jasper said.

"But I don't want to forget the people I love," Bella said, "I want to remember the way my dad's shirts smelled of his aftershave and laundry detergent. I want to remember the lines on my mother's face and how her front teeth were just a little bit crooked. I want to remember the sounds of my friend's laughter, the way they moved... the way they lived."

"I don't remember much about my family," Jasper said absently, almost to himself.

"What do you remember?" Bella looked up, resting her chin on her knee. She wanted to see his face.

"I know that I had an older brother and a younger sister," he said, his face expressionless, "I know that my brother enlisted in the army ahead of me because he was older. I know that I lied about my age and enlisted shortly after he left. I was the youngest Major in the Confederate Army."

He paused and it seemed that he wouldn't continue so Bella prodded him with her toe, "What else?"

"I really don't know," he closed his eyes and sighed. Bella could see movement behind his lids, as if he were searching the recesses of his mind, "I wish I did. I never bothered to hold on to those human memories. The only reason why I know even the slightest bit about my family is because I looked them up. The Church kept a registry of everyone who was married, born, or died. I looked up the Whitlock's after I left Maria."

"I'm sorry," Bella said softly, "but that doesn't mean you can't make new memories."

Jasper chuckled darkly, "Been there, done that."

He looked over at Bella but she just watched him calmly, keeping her face blank and her mind at ease. He raked a hand through his dark hair before throwing his head back roughly, letting it bang into the wood behind him. It didn't dent or crack but the ensuing thud resounded through the room.

"I thought you were working on those human memories?" he snapped, looking down his nose at her, "Did you forget the Cullens so quickly? I would have thought _those_ memories would stick a little better."

Bella frowned at him, her voice sharp despite her restraint, "Don't bite my head off every time you're pissed. Remember what I said about being a verbal punching bag? I wasn't kidding."

"I'm curious to see what you plan on doing about it," he growled.

Bella let out a gusty sigh and looked skywards as if praying for guidance and, perhaps, patience. "Do you really want to live with someone who's angry at you? Who hates you? Do you want to feel that every day?" she asked him.

He turned away again, his mouth pinched into a tight line. "Been there, done that," he whispered.

The sound of his whisper deflated the rising anger in her chest and she wondered if he was remembering Maria, or the Cullens. Did it really matter? Silently, Bella reached out and slipped her small hand under his and gripped his limp fingers in her own. She was startled to find that his skin was no longer cold to her. Rather, he matched her perfectly. Jasper looked down at her hand, staring at it as if he didn't know what to make of it. She squeezed his hand gently and stroked her thumb over his knuckles.

"Talk to me, Jasper. Say something, anything. Hell, yell at me if you want," she said, quietly.

"What about the verbal punching bag speech?" he asked. She didn't answer, suspecting that he was trying to divert her attention. She just watched him quietly, knowing that he could feel her eyes on him even though he kept his own glued to their joined hands. Slowly, he threaded his fingers between hers and curled them around her hand, "No one's touched me like this in years."

Bella opened her mouth to ask 'Why not?' when they both heard the distinct buzzing of a cell phone. Bella knew that Jasper had a cell phone, she had seen it plugged into the wall on several occasions, but she had never heard it being used. No one ever called it and Jasper never used it to communicate with anyone. She had begun to wonder if anyone even had the number. Jasper slipped his hand out of hers and reached into his pocket, pulling out the small black flip phone that was flashing. He looked at the screen and frowned. After he pressed a couple buttons the flashing stopped and the phone fell silent but just as Jasper was about to slip it back into his pocket, it started up again.

He sighed, "I better answer it."

Bella just nodded, wanting to ask who it is, but feeling that it wasn't her place. She turned her head to the window and let her cheek rest on her knees.

"Hello, Emmett."

As if it had been released by a spring, Bella's head shot up and for the first time in three weeks, Jasper met her gaze. His red eyes locked on her murky amber ones and she felt her gut plummet as Emmett's voice reached her ears through the cell phone speaker.

" _Hey, Jazz. How are you doing?"_

"Oh, you know. Surviving," Jasper said, nonchalantly, as if he were away on business or something.

" _Yeah? That's good. Listen, I don't mean to be an asshole but I called for a reason."_

"And what's that?" Jasper asked, his eyes still on Bella's.

" _There's...we've...Christ. Bella's missing. The local police think that she's dead."_

Both of Jasper's eyebrows went up and instantly, Bella shook her head furiously, mouthing the word, "No!" repeatedly.

" _I know, un-fucking-believable, right?"_ Emmett continued, taking Jasper's silence as a sign of disbelief, _"And Edward always thought she'd be fine. Fuck! That girl was a magnet for danger, I don't fucking understand how he could have been so stupid! If anyone needed protecting it was Bella and now...fuck! And to tell the rest of us that we couldn't look in on her!"_

"Speaking of that rule of his," Bella raised a shocked eyebrow as Jasper finally looked away, "How did you find out that something had happened to Bella if no one was allowed to look in on her?"

Both Jasper and Bella heard Emmett clear his throat nervously and beyond her shock over the fact that Edward had apparently forbade the Cullens from having anything to do with her, Bella felt a little knot of dread settle in her stomach; she had a feeling she knew what was coming and from the way Jasper's face darkened and his mouth tightened, she figured that he did too.

" _Well, um, Alice had a vision."_ Emmett rushed on, _"She doesn't actively look for Bella very often but you know how she feels—felt about Bella and about what Edward did so...she looks in once or twice a year."_

"So she looked in on Bella, what did she see?" Jasper asked, his eyes darted back to Bella, but not to her face. His eyes landed on her neck.

" _That's the thing, man. Alice wasn't actually looking for Bella, the vision just came to her. The vision was really strong, which is why Alice thinks that it broke through despite her not looking for it. You know how she used to watch Bella's future all the time, I guess that connection is still there and this vision was just strong enough to get through Alice's mental blocks."_

"Uh huh. What was the fucking vision man?" Jasper was getting a little stressed, Bella could see it in the way he clenched his free hand. She didn't know why, really, if Emmett knew that Jasper had changed her, surely he wouldn't be having this calm conversation with him now, would he? She knew that Emmett had always been pretty easy going and laid back but there was a protective side to him too and Bella liked to believe that she had once invoked that protective nature in him. Surely, if he knew, he'd be screaming at Jasper. Heck, he'd probably be banging down the door. Bella reached out and slipped her hand over his clenched fist, trying to show him her calm.

" _She saw Bella as a vampire, man."_

Jasper tipped his head back and let out the breath he'd been holding, "She did?"

" _Yeah man. But she didn't see who did it, how it happened, or where. All she saw was Bella sitting in a tree, listening to an iPod, but she said there was no mistaking the eyes. Her eyes were amber, the colour of a vampire halfway through their newborn year, a vampire on our diet."_

"Christ," Jasper muttered, he turned his hand under hers and relaxed his fingers so that their hands were pressed palm to palm. He never looked at her so she wasn't sure he was aware that he was doing it or not. "So, what now? Has she seen anything else?"

" _Well, no._ " Emmett sounded frustrated, " _Alice has only been getting glimpses, flashes of her face, or a bit of scenery. She, Edward and Esme are going to go to Alaska, that's where Bella was, to see what they can find at her old place. Any scent is probably long dead by now but there might be another clue as to who did this. We have our bets on Victoria or Laurent. I mean, they're the only other vampires who knew Bella, what are the odds that a nomad attacked her but left her alive enough to change?"_

"Slim, at best," Jasper muttered, mouthing the word 'fuck!'. "I hate to sound like a jackass," he continued, "but what does this have to do with me? I'm not a Cullen anymore, remember?"

Jasper's words were laced with bitterness and he pulled his hand away from Bella's to run it through his hair, making the dark curls messier than they already were.

" _Jazz, man, of course you're still a Cullen, you know that. Just because you and Alice—"_

Jasper cut him off, "Thanks for trying Emmett, but we both know that that's a load of shit. Let's get to the point, why'd you call me?"

Emmett sighed, sounding defeated, _"I figured that you should know. You cared for Bella too, and don't even try to fucking deny it, I saw the way you'd watch her when you thought no one was looking."_

Bella was surprised by this news; she had always thought that Jasper ignored her presence in the Cullen home. When he had noticed her, he had always seemed to feel indifferent to her.

"Of course I care about her, Emmett. But what can I do about anything? If she's a vampire, then there's nothing to be done."

" _That's the thing, man! We don't know that she's been turned yet! Alice's vision is several months away, closer to a year! We'd have to act fast but there may be a chance to save her from this!"_

Jasper dropped his head and looked at her now. His expression was that of a man who was unbelievably tired of life. He pointed to the phone and then pointed to Bella. She shook her head again, no; she wasn't ready to bring the Cullen clan down on her head. If Emmett knew that she was 'alive' and with Jasper they would all be there as fast as their cars could take them and she just couldn't do that, not yet. Besides, Jasper would probably be on the receiving end of a lot of anger and he didn't look like he could take it just now.

He closed his eyes, almost as if in defeat, and turned back to the phone, "And why aren't you, Rosalie and Carlisle going with the others if you plan on going after Bella? Don't you think it would be safer to take on the unknown with the whole family at your back?"

Bella heard the remnants of Major Jasper Whitlock in his wisdom and, now that she had thought of it, it seemed awfully obvious. She wondered how the Cullens had not seen the error in their planning.

" _We're awaiting their word to join them. Carlisle wanted to stay behind to put in as much time at the hospital as he could before taking off for who knows how long and Rosie...well, you know how she feels about Bella. She begged me to stay behind until we hear from the others. If they find evidence that points to another vampire, Carlisle, Rosalie and I will join them and we'll go after the bastard."_

"Uh huh, well, it sounds like you've got it all figured out then. Let me know how it goes," Jasper said dismissively.

" _Uh, well, I was kinda hoping you'd want to come with us if they find anything."_ Emmett sounded hesitant.

"Really?" Jasper asked sarcastically, opening his eyes long enough to roll them before closing them again and tipping his head back once more. "You thought I'd want to be part of the Edward and Alice blame party? You thought I'd want to listen to how this is all my fault and if I'd just learned how to control myself, this never would have happened?" Jasper's voice was rapidly getting angrier and his fist was clenched once again, "Well, you thought wrong, Emmett."

" _Man, that's not how it is! Besides, don't you think you helping would count for something to them?"_

"I don't care if it counts!" Jasper yelled suddenly, his eyes snapping open. The anger seemed to crackle around him. "They tossed me out! They can go fuck themselves! I'm not helping them, or you for that matter!"

Emmett was silent for a moment before he spoke again, _"So you'd put your anger and pain ahead of Bella's well being, is that it?"_

Jasper sighed and his frustration seemed to melt an iota as he glanced at Bella's stricken face, meeting her eyes once again, "I'm sure Bella will be just fine. Call it a gut feeling."

Emmett scoffed, _"I never knew you to be such a heartless bastard Jasper, what's happened to you?"_

Jasper growled, his lip curling over his teeth and exposing them in an instinctual sign of anger and defence, "Thank that bitch you call a sister."

Jasper snapped the phone closed and stood up, walking away from Bella purposefully. He strode to the middle of the room and glared at the phone in his hand, clenching it tightly. He let out a disgusted sound of frustration and threw it onto the couch, watching it bounce twice before it settled. He turned back towards her and glared out the window.

"What the fuck do we do now?" he demanded hotly.

"Well," Bella said, trying to stay calm for the both of them, "What are the odds that your scent will linger in my room?"

Jasper blew a gust of breath out of his mouth, "Slim. There's probably been dozens of people in your room since that night."

"But what about when you went back for my stuff? You must have done that after I had changed," Bella reasoned.

"I did it the day we left the cabin, but I was careful. I didn't rifle through your stuff, everything I touched, I took with me. I grabbed door handles with the clothes that I put in your bag. Only a tracker should be able to detect my scent. None of the Cullens are trackers, that's for sure," he snorted in a derisive manner, as if he found something slightly amusing.

"What is it?" Bella asked.

"Nothing, just...thinking about the last time one of the Cullens tried to track someone," Jasper said. Something about the way he said it, and the way he avoided her eyes, told her that he was talking about Edward.

"I know I can't hide from them forever," Bella said, ignoring his comment, "But I just don't know how I'm going to deal with them and I...I just don't feel ready yet." She didn't mention that Jasper looked like he'd snap if he was confronted by an angry Cullen clan right now.

"I know what you mean," he said. He walked back over to the window where she was still perched and sat down beside her. They sat there, Bella with her arms around her knees, Jasper looking down at his hands in his lap, for almost an hour. Without warning, Jasper reached up and took one of her hands in his, threading his fingers between hers again. He didn't look at her when he did it, but there was no question that he was aware of what he was doing.

"Why did you grab my hand, before?" he asked, softly.

"Did you know that human beings _need_ to be touched?" she countered, not exactly answering his question, "They need it on a biological level. Fellow human contact is crucial to their development and their mental stability. Without it, they become reclusive, withdrawn, and depressed. Some believe that if they're denied it as children their mental development, their ability to feel and understand emotions, will be hindered."

"I didn't know that," Jasper said, looking down at their intertwined hands. Bella shifted so that she was no longer holding her knees to her chest. Rather, she sat beside Jasper, her legs dangling beside his.

"I think that the same thing applies to us. We were human once, and no matter what we are now, a bit of that humanity resides in us. It's up to us to determine whether or not we connect with that humanity, of course, but that doesn't stop it from affecting us now and then," she squeezed his hand, "We need touch too."

She bumped his shoulder with hers, gently, "Especially empaths who look like they're about to bust a vessel."

Jasper's mouth quirked up at one corner, "Yes, I felt that little dose of calm. Thank you."

"Any time," Bella said lightly, looking up at the room that was slowly losing light as the day drew to a close.

"So, what do we do now?" Jasper asked again.

Bella looked over at him and she knew that she didn't want to return to the topic of the night they met again. For reasons unknown to her—reasons she didn't want to explore right now—she craved the sight of that crooked little smile, the one that was used sparingly and often fleetingly. A little of his ' _uh...huh_ ' arching eyebrow wouldn't be amiss either. When had she stopped hating that eyebrow twitch? She grinned.

"Braid our hair and have a pillow fight in our underwear?"

Almost instantly, the eyebrow went up and the lips twitched.

He didn't disappoint.


	11. Chapter 11

  
_C'mon let me hold you, touch you, feel you, always. Kiss you, taste you, all night, always_ – "Always" by Blink 182

"So, how much of this is accurate?"

Bella and Jasper were sitting on the couch watching a movie because Jasper had, not surprisingly, shot down the idea of a girlie evening. They decided on Sherlock Holmes, a movie that Bella was pretty sure she had not yet seen. She was completely entertained by the movie and Jasper seemed to be entertained by her. They were sitting close to each other on the large couch with Bella's head resting against Jasper's shoulder. Every once in a while she would look up at him and throw another question his way.

"Which part?" he asked, looking down at her with a half-grin.

She pointed to the screen, "The whole setting, the props, the backdrop. Is that what London really looked like?"

"Pretty much, yeah," Jasper shrugged but only with one shoulder, he didn't seem to want to disturb Bella's position against him.

"Huh," she said and put her head back down on his shoulder. "I imagine that smelled bad."

Jasper chuckled quietly and Bella could feel the movement of his body against her cheek, "You've no idea darlin'. It smelled horrible to the humans but it was a hundred times worse for us vampires."

Bella wrinkled her nose. Every scent was magnified for her now, along with practically everything else of course, but while everything else was pretty cool and a definite improvement Bella had discovered that the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' could be applied to ones nose as well. She imagined that she would have enjoyed being able to walk by a day old pile of bear shit and not smell it unless she got down on her hands and knees and actually sniffed it. Now, she wasn't so lucky.

"We'll travel once you're able to stand being cooped up in a flying tin can and you'll get to cut your teeth on all the exotic scents and sights the world has to offer. The tropics are an interesting place to visit, very hit or miss," Jasper said, his nose wrinkling as if in remembrance. Bella chuckled and turned her gaze back on to the screen. She hadn't been watching long when Jasper shifted. She sat up, thinking that he wanted her to move her weight off of him but he surprised her by wrapping his arm around her shoulders and bringing her back into the nook of his arm.

Bella settled against him and sighed in comfort. She hadn't been lying to Jasper when she said that she thought that vampires needed touch too, she hadn't realized how much she missed it until she and Jasper were suddenly touching each other. It was nice to have someone to cuddle up next to, even if she didn't need the warmth. Bella watched as the characters on the film bantered and joked, she smiled at some of their comments and laughed outright at some of Sherlock's outrageous mannerisms. Near the end of the movie Bella thought to ask Jasper about the machine that the villain had built and whether or not _that_ was historically accurate. She turned her gaze from the movie to Jasper and the question died on her lips as she realized that Jasper was, in fact, staring at her.

"What's with you?" she asked him, quirking an eyebrow.

"Nothin'," he said, his eyes darting away quickly, "Nosey much?"

Bella rolled her eyes, "Says the man caught staring. C'mon," she poked his side, "out with it, cowboy."

Jasper pursed his lips and looked at her askance, "Why would you call me that?"

"Because I'd bet my last Twinkie that you were a cowboy at one point," Bella said, "Stop trying to deflect."

"I'm not!" Jasper said, looking guilty as all hell, "And Twinkies? Really?"

"Shut up, I loved Twinkies when I was six."

"Do you know how much shit is in a Twinkie?"

" _Deflecting_!"

Jasper huffed and Bella would swear that, if he could, he'd have been blushing. He grimaced and looked down at his lap, almost as if he were shy.

"I was just admiring the scenery."

Bella arched one eyebrow in disbelief. She stared at him for a good minute before she opened her mouth again.

"Have you been reading those horrible romance novels I found in the back room?"

Jasper snorted, "Don't ever say that in front of Rosalie, she loves those things."

Bella thought about this, "Somehow, that doesn't surprise me."

Jasper smiled, a genuine smile that she had only seen on his face a few times before, and she felt her gut clench in response. "Besides, it's not like you need to give her _another_ reason to hate your existence."

Bella punched him on the arm, hard.

"Ow! Woman, may I remind you that you are temporarily stronger than me?" Jasper growled, clutching his arm.

"I remember," Bella glared at him, "and you deserved it."

Jasper scoffed and rubbed his arm though Bella seriously doubted that it still hurt.

"So what's so great about the scenery?" Bella asked.

"Fishing for compliments, are ya?" Jasper countered.

"More like the method to your madness."

"What?" Jasper looked at her as if _she_ were the mad one.

"I'm trying to figure you out," Bella said, turning her body toward him and crossing her arms over her chest, "but you keep doing things that I don't understand."

Jasper sighed and, with a weary look, he mumbled, "I was admiring your eyes. The amber colour suits you."

"Really?" Bella asked.

Jasper nodded but said nothing else. Bella could practically feel the embarrassment radiating off of him. She didn't need to be an empath because the tension of his body bespoke his emotions quite clearly. Feeling sorry for him, she decided to change the topic.

Shrugging lightly, she said, "Speaking of which, I would like to hunt, would you mind coming with when the movie is over?"

Jasper nodded and they settled back into watching the movie, Bella completely forgetting about the question she was going to ask. The more prevalent question in her mind now being, _what on earth is up with Jasper?_ Why was he staring at her like that? And the whole 'admiring the scenery' thing...was he... _flirting_?

Bella tried to focus on the movie but found that she couldn't manage it. Jasper must have sensed her confusion because he continued to glance at her out of the corner of his eye but she remained still and watched the screen. When the credits began to roll, she patted Jasper's knee and stood up. As it was with everything that she did now, Bella went from sitting to standing up ramrod straight within seconds. Jasper chuckled from the couch and she looked down at him curiously.

"We're going to have to work on that," he said, standing up in a slow and leisurely way.

"Work on what?" Bella asked.

"How you move and act. If you ever want to blend in with humans, you need to stop moving so fast that they won't be able to see you. If you suddenly—" Jasper moved quickly, with vampire grace, so that he was standing behind her, his lips at her ear and his breath on her neck "—appear on the other side of the room in the blink of an eye, they're going to notice something's up."

Bella rolled her eyes, "I can do that." She stepped away from Jasper and his disconcertingly close mouth.

"Oh, really? Because you're still moving too fast," he said as she turned to look at him. He placed his hands on his hips and raised an eyebrow at her, silently challenging her. She narrowed her eyes at him and promptly turned on her heel, ready to walk away at a perfectly normal human pace.

The only problem was that her body didn't seem to remember that pace.

She took one deliberately slow step but knew instantly that she was far too slow because she heard Jasper snort behind her. She gritted her teeth and tried another few steps, slightly faster, but Jasper's sounds of mirth continued. She walked all the way over to the front door before she turned around and glared at him.

"Fine!" she said, crossing her arms over her chest and trying not to grin at the contagious smile on his face, "Show me, oh _wise_ one!"

Trying, with great effort, to offer a straight face Jasper hooked his thumbs in his belt loops and ambled her way at a decidedly human pace. Bella watched, more interested than she'd care to admit, as his hips swayed slightly with his movement. His long legs, encased in his usual worn in jeans emphasized the muscle in his thighs and Bella found her eyes wandering. From his legs and hips, her gaze raked up over his stomach and torso, wrapped in a grey button down shirt that clung in all the right places and the rolled up sleeves that exposed his forearms; Bella found herself swallowing reflexively.

Swiftly, she turned away from him, opened the door and sauntered down the stairs in a pace that almost matched his. She looked over her shoulder and tried to form a natural smile, one that didn't betray her confusion.

"I think I've got it."

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

Four days later and Bella found herself sitting in a tree, listening to her iPod. She wasn't sure if it was because of Alice's vision or not but she had been reluctant to go to her usual perch on the roof and had instead grabbed her iPod, heading for the woods. With her back against the trunk and her legs dangling on each side of the thick branch she was perched on, she tried to make sense of her mind.

Or rather, her body.

Her mind was functioning perfectly fine and it was screaming at her that she was a stupid, stupid woman and that she needed to remember how she ended up in this tree, sans a heartbeat.

She should still be angry at Jasper, not finding herself _attracted_ to him. Sure, she was trying to be nice, get along and all that, she even wanted to comfort him sometimes, but why on earth was she finding that more often than not, her eyes lingered on his body? Why was it that when he smiled at her, she couldn't help but smile back? Why did his laughter make her feel happy? Why did she feel so comforted when he touched her? Why did he make her feel like she was finally home?

Bella banged her head against the trunk and let out a growl of frustration. By all rights, she should still be silently seething, furious with the man who took her life from her.

So why wasn't she?

Sure, she wasn't _happy_ about the way things had happened and if she had the chance, she would go back to being human in a blink of an eye but the reality was that she couldn't go back. She would never be human again and, as hard as that was to swallow, it was her reality. All she could do was accept it. But accepting didn't mean that she had to enjoy it, did it?

So, what was she to do? Wallow in misery over circumstances she can't control? Bella scrunched up her nose. That idea didn't sit well with her. She had had enough of wallowing in misery over uncontrollable circumstances for one lifetime. Why waste eternity like that?

But her acceptance and even her tentative enjoyment of her new lifestyle didn't mean she had to forgive the one who forced her into it. Yet the harder she tried, the less she felt she could really blame Jasper. She had goaded him time and time again, with no thought or concern for his own pain, only her own. Of course, like she had said to him, he shouldn't have lost his control and attacked her but it wasn't like Jasper was known for his control. How could she fault him for something that was, in essence, part of his nature? The fact that he didn't kill her that first night went against everything in him.

And now, she was just like him.

What would she have done, had she been in his situation?

Bella opened her eyes and looked up at the canopy of green leaves. The breeze was light and it shifted the foliage gently, letting the odd beam of sunlight streak through. If she were being honest with herself, she probably would have attacked too. Of course, she was a newborn and her emotions were still volatile which meant that she had even _less_ control than Jas—

Bella gasped sat up straight.

She was a _newborn_ and her _emotions_ were _volatile_!

The more she thought about it, the more it made sense. She had been experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. One minute she could be happy, the next depressed, a few minutes later she was a happy lark again but the simplest thing could send her into a rage. She had demolished a package of chocolates the other day after she ripped all of the wrappers yet again. _That has to be it,_ Bella thought to herself, _my attraction is just a consequence of being a newborn_.

Grinning to herself, Bella murmured, "Eureka!"

**OOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella was walking back to the house, practicing her human pace, when she saw Jasper sitting on the back porch railing, his legs dangling over one side.

"Good time?" he asked, casually.

"Yeah," Bella smiled and, feeling confident in her new revelation, didn't question the fluttering in her stomach when Jasper smiled back.

She walked up the steps and hauled her body onto the railing to sit next to him. When she had settled, she spotted a large covering that she had never noticed before.

"What's that?" she asked, pointing at it.

"Oh, it's the Jacuzzi," he said.

"There's a Jacuzzi here and you never told me?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

Jasper looked puzzled, "Was I supposed to?"

Bella scoffed, "Of course! How do you turn it on?"

She hopped down and crouched by the cover. Jasper joined her and lifted it up a bit, exposing a keypad and display screen. She watched as he pressed buttons and the tub came to life. Lights turned on and she heard the motor begin to hum.

"It will take hours to warm up, but now it's on," he said, standing back up.

"Thank you," she smiled at him and turned to go into the house. He followed her in, both of them kicking their shoes off. Bella headed for the living room and flopped onto the couch, watching Jasper as he came in and sat down on the arm rest near her feet.

"Movie?" he asked

"Bleh," Bella made a face.

"Yeah, I know. Being a newborn means a lot of time cooped up," he grimaced in sympathy.

"Actually," Bella said, poking his thigh with her toe, "I had a question for you."

"Shoot."

"What do we do if Alice has a vision of the two of us together?"

Bella watched Jasper's face carefully and she saw that his lips tightened ever so slightly at the mention of her name.

"She won't," he said shortly, leaning forward and picking up the remote control for the TV.

"How do you know that?" Bella asked.

"Because she doesn't watch my future anymore," Jasper said, jabbing at the remote control's buttons. "Emmett told me so, a long time ago. She blocks my future."

Bella said nothing but she had her doubts. Had Alice not been taken by surprise with a vision of Bella as a vampire? Granted, it didn't sound like Alice had _blocked_ Bella's future, but it had certainly wormed its way through to her. What if that happened with Jasper? What if she wasn't looking for a vision of him, but one forced itself on her?

"It won't happen, Bella," Jasper said, not looking at her. Clearly, he had felt her doubt.

She nodded and turned to her side, facing the TV. She tried to banish her remaining doubts as she settled in to watch some mindless entertainment.

"I trust you, Jasper."

And despite all the reasons why she shouldn't, she really did.

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"I wonder if they've found anything yet?" Bella mused out loud. She wasn't necessarily talking to Jasper, though she was very, _very_ aware that he was there.

"I doubt it. If they had found anything that indicated me, they'd call and ask me," Jasper said.

Bella nodded and tipped her head back to watch the inky black night and the stars above them. It was nearly four o'clock in the morning but that was no longer mattered to Bella. The Jacuzzi had reached its peak warmth and Bella had jumped in. She hadn't been deterred by the fact that she didn't technically have a bathing suit. Underwear and a bra is the same thing as a bikini. Right?

"But what I don't understand is why Edward is going with them," Bella said. She relaxed her body further into the contours of the seat. Sitting in the hot, bubbling water was a completely different experience from the one she remembered as a human. Then, she had gotten over heated easily and had to sit on the edge of the tub, she had become pruned quickly and the chemicals had irritated her skin. But now she was nothing but relaxed. The jets felt like gentle caresses on her body and, instead of bothering her, the hot water made her feel almost human again.

Bella waited for Jasper to say something but when the silence stretched out between them she dropped her gaze from the stars to his pale face. He was frowning at the frothing water between their bodies as he sat opposite her.

"Jasper?"

"Why do you care?" Jasper asked, still frowning at the water.

Bella shrugged, "I don't care per se..." she trailed off and thought about her answer for a moment, "I guess, I'm still trying to figure out how his brain works. I thought that, maybe as a vampire, I'd have some giant revelation, the light bulb would turn on my head, and I'd suddenly understand why he acts the way he does."

She fell silent, staring at her hands under the bubbling surface of the water. Quietly, almost to herself, she continued "But there was no light bulb and I'm just as confused now as I was then. I mean, why look for me after all these years? Especially when he has his mate to consider? I can't imagine that...that... _she_ is very happy."

Bella swallowed and tried not to think about Edward with Tanya. She didn't even know what Tanya looked like, so she supposed it shouldn't be hard, but it was the idea of Edward being with someone else, the way she had always wanted him, that made her gut churn with resentment. He had always kept her at an arm's length and she had always suspected that it was because she was human, now she knew that was the truth. He had gone and found himself a mate, one who was already a vampire.

"Oh, Bella," Jasper murmured, finally looking at her again. He rose up from his seat across from her and moved through the waist deep water to sit next to her. Without hesitating he picked her up and gently cradled her in his lap.

"I'm so sorry, so very sorry. For everything. We never should have left you behind like that, but we really did think we were doing the right thing and Edward's..." Jasper paused and sighed, "He really thought he was doing the right thing too. My actions on the night of your birthday proved that it's not safe for humans to be around vampires, even vegetarian ones."

Bella, her head resting on his shoulder and her nose pressed against his neck, muttered, "I don't blame you Jasper. I never have...I know that I said some mean things but...I didn't really mean them"

Jasper made a noise of agreement and tilted his head so that his cheek was resting against her hair, "I know. Me too."

They were quiet for a little while and Bella couldn't help but enjoy the feeling of Jasper's hands running over her exposed skin. He had laughed at her when she had quickly stripped into her bra and underwear for their impromptu soak but he certainly wasn't laughing now. She closed her eyes as she felt his large palm gently brush against the base of her spine, slowly moving up and over the back of her bra to her shoulders.

"Finger tips," she murmured to his neck.

"Hmm?"

"Use your finger tips, feels nicer," she said.

She felt Jasper chuckle but he complied, running his finger tips up and down her back. The sensation made her flesh pebble and she was pleased to note that her body still had some of its old reactions. She felt herself relax further into Jasper's arms. The combined sensation of his embrace, the water, and his gentle caresses had Bella feeling that, despite all logic, she just might fall asleep.

She was contemplating the possibility of it when she heard Jasper speak, his voice so soft that only another vampire would have heard him.

"I'm sorry for what I've done to you," he whispered. "I regret it every day."

Bella's eyes flew open though she didn't move a muscle.

"I let myself lose control because I was furious...with you. I blamed you for what happened that day, but that wasn't all. I was...I... I knew you were in Alaska, I had seen you there before. I was standing outside that bar you worked in because I wanted to see you again. I hated you every time you laughed because I...couldn't. You had moved on from your pain and I couldn't."

Slowly, Bella lifted her head and stared at Jasper's black eyes. Belatedly, she realized that he hadn't fed in a few weeks. The darkness of his eyes made his pale skin stand out all the more, especially against his dyed hair. She lifted one hand out of the water and brushed the wild strands out of his face.

"I...I'm not as put together as you seem to think, Jasper," Bella said, "Hell, I'm not even as put together as I thought I was. I thought I had control of my life, finally, but the day you waltzed back into it I realized that I'd only been deluding myself."

"What do you mean?" Jasper asked, his voice soft.

Bella gave him a small, rueful smile, "Your presence made me remember everything. All the emotions I'd been hiding from myself, all the anger and the pain that I thought I had dealt with." She sighed, "I think that's why I goaded you so much. As much as you hated me for being happy, I hated you for reminding me that I really wasn't."

Bella shook her head, "Man, I'm a piece of work, aren't I?"

Jasper smiled softly, "I think we both are."

Bella was about to make a joke about 'birds of a feather', when she saw Jasper's eyes dart down to her mouth. Her words died in her throat and she froze, waiting.

Hesitantly, Jasper reached up and cupped her cheek with his warm hand. His thumb brushed her cheekbone and, almost involuntarily, her eyes slid shut. Bella wasn't sure who leaned forward first, and she couldn't be positive that it wasn't her, but the next thing she knew, they were kissing. Jasper's lips were soft, warm, and tasted similar to the way he smelled, sort of spicy. Gently, he sucked her bottom lip into his mouth and as his teeth grazed it, Bella felt a thrill of pleasure dart through her body. Jasper began to pull back from their kiss but as soon as Bella realized what he was doing, she reached forward and grabbed his face with her wet hands. Pulling him closer, she opened her mouth and ran her tongue over his bottom lip. Jasper responded instantly, his own tongue darting out to taste her. Belatedly, Bella realized that she was breathing hard but she couldn't bring herself to care. She grabbed Jasper's lip between her teeth and gently pulled on it, making him moan softly. She felt his hands caressing her, gripping her thigh and waist hard, and she briefly entertained the idea of shifting so she could straddle him. Unfortunately, just as she was about to put said idea into motion, Jasper pulled away completely.

Breathing just as hard as she was, Jasper rested his forehead against hers; still caressing her thighs, hips and stomach, though not as hard as before. Neither of them said a word, instead, they listened to the sound of the other's breathing as it returned to its normal pace. Jasper tightened his arms around Bella's waist and in turn, she slipped her fingers into Jasper's curls, wanting to feel them in her hands.

"Why did you dye your hair?" Bella asked, pulling back slightly. She had wanted to ask for a long time.

"Just needed a change," his breath ghosted over her wet lips and she licked them, tasting him.

"Didn't you know that blondes have more fun?" she asked him, teasingly.

He rolled his eyes, "I take it you prefer the blonde?"

"I do, but it's your hair," she said.

"It's okay, it's starting to flake anyway. It never lasts for very long," Jasper said. He smiled at her and leaned in for another kiss and Bella, despite the little voice in the back of her head that was screaming _what are you doing?_ met him halfway.

"Can you forgive me for what I've done to you?" Jasper asked, eventually, pulling back from their soft kisses and searching her face for answers.

"I already have."


	12. Chapter 12

  
_And I discovered that my castle's stand upon pillars of song, pillars of sand_ – "Viva La Vida" by Coldplay

"I have to say, you look a million times better as a blonde again," Bella said, looking up at Jasper from where she lay with her head in his lap and a book on her stomach. Jasper had been watching TV while she sprawled on the couch with one of the romance novels that Rosalie supposedly loved.

He looked down at her and quirked an eyebrow, "Are you saying that I was ugly before?"

"Hideous," Bella said, seriously.

"Well, aren't you a right bitch?" the corner of his mouth twitched.

"A woman with an opinion isn't a bitch," she said, holding up her index finger, "but I think the fact that you let me wash your hair thirteen times and then brush it out for an hour does make you a little gay."

"A man with a respect for hygiene isn't gay," Jasper mocked her by holding up his own finger and looking self important, "and you practically had to put me into a headlock anyway!"

"Like you couldn't get out of that," Bella said, waving her hand dismissively. She picked up her book from her stomach where she had placed it to mark her page.

"Why are you reading that? I was under the impression that you didn't like them," he asked.

"I don't feel like reading the manual for the vacuum and these are the only other things in the house that I haven't read," she said, picking it back up. The cover was of a scantily clad, doe eyed woman with a pirate ship in the background. When Bella had first laid eyes on it she had snorted derisively but after she had flown through the limited number of books Jasper had brought from her house she put her pride on a shelf. Right next to her sanity.

Bella couldn't help but wonder if she had lost her sanity along with her humanity because she couldn't explain why she had kissed Jasper the other night, or why she wanted to do it again. Or why she was lying with her head in his lap while he played with her hair, for that matter.

She hadn't been lying when she said that she had forgiven him, she had. Had he been in the wrong? Yes. Had she also been in the wrong? Of course. They had both been running on ugly emotions, feeling betrayed and lashing out with the aim to hurt. It had been an explosive combination. Did she wish things had turned out differently, that she had been allowed to keep her humanity? Most definitely. But wishing wouldn't get her anywhere, she had learned that lesson a long time ago. So she had decided to let go of the anger. It had been dissolving gradually as their friendship slowly grew and if anyone asked her she wouldn't be able to really pin down the moment when she had stopped hating Jasper for what he had done to her. All she knew was that when he asked for her forgiveness she was able to give it freely.

But kissing? What _had_ she been thinking?

Was it her newborn tendencies? As much as she didn't want to admit it to herself, it really didn't feel like it. She didn't suddenly get a burst of affection for Jasper, or arousal—with the exception of that day in the woods—it was all pretty consistent, especially now that they were no longer actively trying to piss each other off.

There was a distinct difference between friendship and 'something more' but they had bounded over that line and now she didn't know what to do. How could she have a relationship with Jasper when he hunted human beings? She knew that she couldn't live with that lifestyle but could she ask him to change himself for her? Not only was it unfair to him but what if he refused? What if he liked the taste of human blood more than the possibility of a relationship with her? For all her brave words and thick skinned bravado, Bella didn't think she could stand another rejection like that. She just didn't deal well with it, which was why she never went on any "Date Number Two's" when Chrissy had set her up.

The thought of Chrissy made her sigh. What was she doing right now? How was she coping? Did she pass that psychology midterm? Or had she deferred it? Would they have let her? Did that whole 'my roommate died, can I have an A?' clause really exist? If it did, Bella hoped that both Danny and Chrissy exploited it, even if it made them feel bad. Hell, at least they could benefit in some way from her 'death'. Her morbid thoughts made her miss her friends even more. She knew that Chrissy would have been right in her face, refusing to let her be depressed. She would have told her jokes, really bad ones, until she made Bella laugh or at least crack a smile. Danny was the softer of the two of them. He would have slipped in behind her and hugged her with his everything, letting her feel the comfort of a male embrace. It didn't matter that the feelings between them had always been platonic; sometimes it had just been nice to be held by masculine arms and press her face into a hard chest that smelled like boy, not flowers.

The first time Danny had crawled into her bed and held her all night had been on the anniversary of her mother's death. She had stayed home from classes all day, barricading herself in her bedroom, and declining invitations to go to for dinner. Danny had finally convinced her then roommate to let him in and, without words, had simply crawled into bed beside her and held her all night. He never told her that it would be alright, that it was okay, or any of the useless things people tend to say when confronted with grief. He just held her. It had been the first time someone had slept next to her and held her since Edward and she had enjoyed the feeling of a warm body against hers more than she thought she would.

She hated that her thoughts still turned to Edward, even now, here. He was another reason why she could never have a relationship with Jasper. The Cullens would eventually come back into the picture, she knew that, but she didn't want to have any more ties to them than she already did. Jasper had a lot of ties to them, decade's worth of ties. It would be better for her to just cut herself loose from anything and everything even remotely related to the Cullens as soon as she could.

**OOOOOOOOOO**

Bella was sitting atop of the house, her regular haunt, when she heard the first sound of life. There was a car driving down the rural road that went past the house and if the sound of the tires skidding against the gravel were any indication, the driver was in a hurry. She wondered where the heck they could be headed to since there was very little in the way of civilization out here. The nearest house to them was miles away, which was one of the reasons why Jasper had chosen this place; there had never been any visitors out that way. In fact, if the residents of the neighbouring property ever left their home, Bella would be shocked. This was the first time she had ever heard a car on the road.

She didn't give it much more thought until she heard the car take another turn at a high speed. The car's axel protested such treatment, the metal groaning, as the wheels skidded in the gravel. There was only one such turn on that road. And it was the road that led to this house.

Panicking, Bella launched herself off the roof at the same time that she saw Jasper dart out of house, looking up for her. She landed beside him with a graceful pounce, something she would have never been able to pull off when she was human, even if she hadn't been jumping off a roof at the time. If she had anything to be thankful for when she became a vampire, it was the fact that she no longer tripped over thin air.

"What should I do?" she asked, feeling slightly panicky. If that was a human they were all in trouble...especially the human.

"Get back up on the roof and don't breathe, whatever you do. You'll be outside so it should be easier but don't even _look_ at whoever it is. Sometimes, just the sight of a human is enough to push a newborn over," Jasper said, his voice was all commanding authority.

"But what if—"

"Bella, we don't have time for 'what if's', please just trust me?" Jasper said, cupping her elbows and pulling her toward his body, "I know you're worried about killing a human but I promise you, I will _not_ let that happen."

"Okay," she said, she pulled away from him enough to rake one hand through her hair, a nervous gesture she had picked up from him, "Okay. I'll be fine. Right. Okay."

Without another word she turned and ran for the pine tree that gave her access to the roof. Like a monkey she launched herself at the tree and quickly climbed up its trunk until she could push off of it and land softly on the roof. Jasper waited until she was lying flat on her belly on the slope of the roof that would conceal her from the approaching car. The only way anyone would see her was if they came to the back yard and looked up.

Listening carefully, Bella heard Jasper head back into the house, close the patio door behind him and quickly cross the main floor to where the front door was. Simultaneously the unknown car raced down the long driveway that led to the house. Apparently there was a good reason for the Cullens having a long driveway back in Forks, Bella thought to herself, as it had given her adequate time to prepare herself as much as she could. Unfortunately, she couldn't be trusted to run off into the woods on her own. If she came across a human, even as unlikely as that was, there would be no Jasper to stop her from feeding on them.

Bella heard the car come to a sliding halt on the gravel. Faster than Bella thought was possibly for human beings, she heard car doors open and slam. At that exact same moment she heard Jasper curse, his southern accent coming out in a rather loud "gawwd daimmit". _What's he so upset about?_

Suddenly the door swung open so hard that it slammed against the wall and two pairs of feet entered the house. Bella had just realized, with a short lived sense of relief, that the visitors did not have heartbeats when she heard a voice that would have stopped her heart had it been beating.

"Jasper!"

Bella's entire body froze, she didn't even blink.

Edward Cullen was in the house below her.

Her human memories didn't do his voice justice. What she had once described as velvety smooth was really liquid pleasure. She closed her eyes softly as the sound, and the memories, washed over her; she felt an uncomfortable tightness settle in her chest.

"Have you no respect for doors, Edward?" Jasper said, his steps were slow and measured, as if he were sauntering.

"Jasper, dear, we need your help," Bella recognized Esme's soft voice.

"I already told Emmett that I—"

Suddenly there were two more sets of footsteps and another voice that cut Jasper off.

"I had a vision of Bella here, with you Jasper. Care to explain that?"

Bella nearly gasped. Not only was Edward in the house, but now Alice was too. Why had she waited outside? Who else was there? Was it Tanya? She couldn't risk moving to look, they would hear her and she wasn't ready to betray her presence yet.

"Alice," Jasper ground out, it sounded as if he were gritting his teeth.

"Answer the question!" Edward sounded furious, though Bella had no idea why he was even there. _Why should he care?_

"Edward, stop it," Esme's said sharply, "We're not here to accuse. We're here to stop Bella from being turned into a vampire if we can."

"Dude, I know you said that you didn't want to get involved but Alice had a vision of Bella here with you, so we came here to see if you were here," Bella nearly jumped in surprise, for some reason she hadn't expected the fourth vampire to be Emmett. She recognized the deep boom of his voice and she felt a lump rise in her throat. God, she had missed him. She hadn't realized how much until she heard his deep booming voice. His betrayal had hurt almost as much as Edward and Alice's.

"Funny, what _are_ you doing here Jasper?" Edward's voice held an obvious note of accusation.

Jasper clearly heard it too because he sounded defensive when he responded, "What's a matter Edward? Am I no longer allowed to use the Cullen homes? Excuse me, I didn't know I was encroaching on any territory. I'll go pack my things."

"Are you going to pack up for whoever is staying with you as well?" Edward demanded.

"Who is here, Jasper?" Esme asked, "They're familiar." Bella heard a few obvious sniffs when it clicked.

 _Oh god, they can smell me_ , she was horrified at the thought, _what if they put two and two together and come looking for me?_

"Just some female company," Jasper said, his voice thick with innuendo. Bella wanted to slam her face against the roof repeatedly but settled for cursing Jasper and his stupidity in her head. They would freak out if they found out that it was Bella's scent they could taste on the air, adding the possibility of her having sex with Jasper into that mix just seemed like a really bad idea, even if there was no real reason for them to object. Not that she cared about their opinion, especially not Edwards, she reminded herself.

Emmett snorted and muttered something that Bella couldn't catch but had Esme making sounds of disapproval.

"Who?" Edward demanded again.

"Stop trying to pick through my brain, Edward," Jasper growled.

"Stop hiding from me, then!"

"What I do with my time, and who I do it with is none of your business!" Jasper shot back.

"It's my business when it involves Bella!"

Bella did gasp that time but it seemed that no one below noticed as they were so involved in their argument. But Bella had felt a knife of painful familiarity rip through her as she heard Edward say her name for the first time in years.

"Who says it involves Bella?" Jasper countered.

"She was here in Alice's vision!" Edward yelled, "Right in this room! Sitting on that couch with her head in _your_ lap with _your_ hand in her hair! I'd say that damn well..."

Bella was hanging on tender hooks and she knew that if she still had a heart beat it would be pumping furiously, roaring in her ears, as she listened to Edward trail off.

"My...god..." he whispered.

"What?" three voices asked, Emmett, Esme and Alice.

"It was here... it was today! _GOD DAMMIT, IT WAS TODAY!"_ Edward roared. Bella heard a rush of rapid footsteps and then a thud. What the hell was going on? She was torn with wanting to see what was happening and not wanting them to know she was here.

"Edward, what are you—" Esme began.

"Don't you ever charge me li—" Jasper was saying

But Edward roared above both of them.

"IT WAS TODAY!" he screamed, "IN HER VISION HE WAS WEARING THE SAME THING!"

Alice and Esme gasped. Emmett was uncharacteristically silent.

"Do you _deny_ it?" Edward spat.

"No," Jasper growled, his voice low and dangerous.

" _Where is she?"_

"None of your business. She doesn't want to be—" Jasper's voice broke off as Bella heard glass smashing. Esme yelled "STOP IT!" but it did nothing to stem the flow of growling, thudding and breaking furniture. Bella gritted her teeth and pushed herself up.

Alice gasped and Bella sighed. She would have bet all of her life's savings that Alice had just seen Bella's decision. She heard the violent movements cease as Edward let out a gasp. _Cat's outta the bag now_ , she thought as she dropped off the roof and landed gracefully in front of the patio door.

She was proud of herself as she reached for the patio door and slid it open without her hand shaking at all. Taking a firm step inside, she faced the room and the four pairs of stunned golden eyes.

"I'm right here."


	13. Chapter 13

  
_And the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now_ — "The Story of Us" by Taylor Swift

"Bella."

It was one whispered word and it would never change the world. It didn't have the same ring as words like "freedom" or "salvation". No, it was just her name. But it was her name on his lips, and whispered with such reverence, it was like being thrown back in time, back to when he whispered her name like that on a daily basis.

She couldn't make her jaw work. Her tongue stubbornly refused to shape sounds but it didn't really matter because her throat was resolutely silent. She stared at him, taking him in with her new eyes.

Edward hadn't changed a bit, obviously. His skin looked even more flawless under her sharper gaze; it had a subtle glow about it that she had never seen on him before. She had noticed this glow on both herself and Jasper before but it wasn't something that she had formerly associated with the vampire before her. No, her human eyes had not been able to take in the miniscule details in his perfect complexion. His hair was still a beautiful mess and made you think that he had just rolled out of bed, or that it had been in the grip of a passionate lover which, she reminded herself, it probably was these days. The thought made her gut clench and she pushed it away.

But it was his eyes, those golden eyes that used to dazzle her—those were almost her undoing.

She wanted to run; run away from him, toward him, anywhere really. She wanted to scream at him, she wanted to hold him, she wanted to fall on her knees and cry real tears. But she wouldn't. She would not show him how much power he still held over her.

"Edward," she said, nodding her head slightly.

She felt a rush of triumph as she said his name without letting her voice quaver. That was when she noticed that he and Jasper were still entangled in rather violent embrace. Jasper held Edward at bay with his hands on Edward's shoulders but Edward's feet were strategically placed to trip Jasper. She frowned at their position before letting her eyes calmly slide back to Edward's face.

"Let him go," she said to Edward, "There doesn't need to be any more fighting tonight."

Edward, as if compelled by her command, released Jasper immediately. They both straightened from their positions, Jasper keeping an eye on Edward's movements but it wasn't necessary. Edward hadn't taken his eyes off of Bella.

Bella forced her eyes away from his stunned expression and looked at the other occupants of the room. Esme's eyes were bright with tears that she could not shed and Bella sympathized with her in that regard but she found that her heart did not ache at the sight of the petite woman. Her eyes swept over Alice, who looked as stunned as Edward and even had her jaw hanging open slightly, to Emmett whose brows were furrowed in either displeasure or deep thought.

"Well, you have your answers now, I don't see any reason why you need to stick around," Bella said, very much aware that she was telling the Cullens to leave the house that they owned. Charlie would have killed her for such poor manners but she found that she didn't care—she couldn't do this. Staring at him was almost painful. She didn't want to see them, not now, not ever. It brought too much back.

"Bella? What...no," Alice said, stepping forward with her arms out.

Bella took a step back and felt the patio door behind her.

"Bella?"

"No, Alice," Bella said calmly, even though she felt anything but, "I don't want to touch you."

Esme's breath hitched in a teary hiccup, "Bella? What's wrong?"

Bella stared at her, incredulous. She felt her anger rise to the surface, swiftly, deadly in its intensity.

"What's _wrong_?" she repeated softly, "What's wrong is that you all _left_ me and now you expect me to rush joyously into your arms! Are you all fucking _insane_?"

Esme clapped a hand over her mouth as the sobs began but Bella felt no pity and not even a twinge of regret. She was too angry to care if Esme was in pain because of her words. Bella had been in pain because of Esme's _actions_ for years.

"Bella, that's not what—"

"Don't you _dare_ tell me that's not what happened, Alice!" Bella snapped, her gaze darting to the shorter vampire. "Don't you sugar coat it and pretend it was anything short of _fucking abandonment_! You up and fucking left, not a word, not a note, not even a forwarding fucking address. I never heard from you again!"

"I know Bella but—"

"I made them," Edward said softly.

Bella's gaze swung to him and she could only hope that she kept the pain out of her expression as those words sank in. She was vaguely aware of the fact that Jasper was slowly making his way over to her side.

"Oh, I bet you did," Bella spat sarcastically, "Did you tie them all up and drag them behind your stupid shiny little Volvo?"

"Bella, I—"

"NO! You didn't! You left and they followed of their own free fucking will so don't you stand there and make excuses for them!" she screamed at the top of her lungs, shutting her eyes against pain in Edward's expression. She didn't want to see it.

"Bella," Jasper's voice was as soft as the touch of his fingers against her arm, "darlin', come outside with me. We'll take a walk and calm down."

"She's not going anywhere!" Edward's voice was deadly cold.

"FUCK YOU!" she spat suddenly, her eyes flying open. Edward's face went from menacing right back to stunned, as if he couldn't believe she would speak to him like that. "You don't get to dictate what I do anymore!"

Bella marched forward until she was nearly chest to chest with him. His scent invaded her senses but instead of it distracting her, it only enraged her further. It was more delicious than she remembered and it brought back cloudy memories of wearing his coat in a little Italian diner.

"No more calling the shots and deciding what Bella should and shouldn't know! No more making decisions for stupid Bella! No more assuming that Bella can't fucking _think for herself_!" she screamed in his face, "You will _never_ have a say in what I do with my life _ever_ again! Go to hell Edward Cullen! Go to hell and rot there!"

Bella spun on her heel and was about to march out the door into the wilderness when Edward finally snapped out of his astonishment.

"I had to leave!" he cried, desperation tingeing his voice, "I was ruining your life!"

Bella stopped and closed her eyes, fighting for calm, fighting the anger that made her want to spin around and launch herself at the man she had once thought she loved. She would have died for him, now her fingers fairly itched to strangle him herself.

"No, Edward," she said, her back to him, "you only ruined my life when you walked out of it."

"I was putting you in danger! Your birthday proved that! I only wanted you to have a normal, happy life!" he cried.

"You're telling me that you left because you thought you were doing the right thing by me?" she asked, her calm mask broken by incredulity as she turned around to stare at him.

"Yes," Edward sighed, sounding defeated.

Bella was silent for the span of a heartbeat before she exploded, "Are you fucking retarded?"

Edward's mouth dropped open but he was, for once, at a loss for words.

" _Why_ is it that only _you_ got to have a part in that decision making process? Hmm? What about me, or did my opinion not count?" Bella demanded, "Because I was human? Do you really think that lowly of human beings Edward, or was it just me? Why was I not consulted on something that had everything to do with _me_?"

"I...," Edward, for the first time, showed what a toll the conversation was taking on him and dropped to the couch, putting his head in his hands, "I knew that if I told you, you would convince me not to, and I wouldn't have had the strength to walk away then."

Bella stared at his long fingered hands covering his face, her eyes following them where the tips brushed his unique bronze coloured hair.

"Jasper was right," Bella said softly.

Edward's head snapped up at the same time that Jasper looked at her, wary.

"You never really loved me," she said, her eyes glued to Edwards, "if you had, you wouldn't have been able to walk away at all, whether I talked to you about it or not." She shook her head sadly, "I could never have walked away from you like that. Never."

"I did—I do! I do love you, Bella! I always have!" Edward said, he was in front of her in a matter of seconds and reaching for her hands. She stepped back, darting out of his reach. He let his hands fall to his sides but his voice was firm when he said, "I never stopped loving you."

Bella stared at him as he said the words she had _longed_ to hear for years. She felt them sink into her body, into her soul, but they didn't warm her the way she had always thought they would. They made her feel cold. They made her feel wrong.

"You love me?" she asked, her voice quiet again but firm, "The way you love Alice? The way you love Rosalie?" her voice turned cold, "or the way you love Tanya?"

Edward's eyes went wide as his brow furrowed. It gave him a decidedly 'insane' look but Bella was in no mood to make fun. She stared him down even as he dared to look completely confused.

"Tanya?" he asked.

"Yes, Tanya," Bella spat even as Jasper reached out for her, his hand closing in on her elbow and trying to bring her attention back to him, "your _mate_."

"What?" Alice, having been silent for so long finally opened her mouth, "Where the hell did you hear that?"

"Tanya's not my mate," Edward said, shaking his head and looking at _her_ as if she were crazy, " _You're_ my mate."

Bella stared at him; it was apparently her turn to be rendered speechless. Slowly, she turned her head and looked at Jasper who was now raking a hand through his hair and tugging at his blonde curls. He looked up at her, guilt written all over his face.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I said it out of anger."

Bella continued to stare at him, not knowing what to say. The familiar feeling of betrayal welled up inside her. It felt like a kick to the gut, like all of the wind had been knocked out of her, leaving only the throb of pain in its wake. She felt the burn of phantom tears behind her eyes and she looked away. How was it that after everything that happened this evening, it was knowledge of Jasper's lies that hurt the most?

"I wanted to tell you," he said quickly, "I just...never could find the right way."

"Well there really isn't a right way to say it, is there Jasper?" Bella asked, her voice soft with disbelief, "Did you think I would never find out?"

Suddenly, it was too much. Far too fucking much. She threw her hands up in the air, "GOD! What is with the Cullen men? Do you all think I'm fucking inept or something? That I'm too stupid?"

"Bella, darlin' you know I don—"

"Don't you 'darlin' me right now Jasper!" Bella held up a hand towards him, palm forward, "I don't want to hear your southern charm right now, I want to know why you lied to me!"

Jasper sighed, "Because I wanted to hurt you and I knew that would do it."

Bella stared at him, her gaze hostile, "Well, you certainly achieved that. Are you satisfied?"

"I'm sorry," Jasper whispered.

"Why did you lie to her?" Edward demanded, "Why would you tell her I was with Tanya?"

"Not that it's any of your business, Edward," Jasper growled, his narrowed gaze pinned on Edward now, "but we were both throwing around low blows."

Bella looked back at Edward and the now silent Alice slightly behind him. She was glaring daggers at Jasper while Edward's gaze was fixed solely on Bella. Emmett had his face covered with his large hand while Esme's eyes darted between Edward, Jasper and Bella.

Bella felt something break inside of her, the piece that was holding her body upright. She sagged and dropped her head to her hand. This was what she had been afraid of, she hadn't wanted the confrontation, the anger and the hurtful reminders. She was so _sick_ and tired of those memories.

"I..."she held up her hands, not looking at anyone, "I...no," she shook her head, "just no...I can't do this. Not anymore. I'm done."

She turned and walked out of the room, ignoring the two men who were calling her name.

"Bella! Please! Just give me a second," Jasper begged, following her out the door. She ignored him and broke into a jog, the tree line getting closer and closer.

"Bella!" Edward was hot on her heels too.

She spun around and levelled her glare on Jasper first, pointing at him she said, " _You_ blatantly lied to me. Even after I forgave you for everything, you still let me believe lies. I guess once a Cullen, always a Cullen, huh? Lord knows, you can't trust a fucking Cullen."

She turned to Edward, "I don't care how many times you say that everything you did was for my own benefit, it doesn't change the fact that you denied me the right to have my own opinion, you clearly thought me too low to consult on matters that very much involved me. Well guess what Edward? My life doesn't involve _you_ anymore, so _you_ have no say. Now go away."

She turned around again but Edward clearly wasn't going to give up that easily. He darted forward and grabbed her arm, forcing her body to turn around. She growled even as she realized that Edward Cullen was touching her again. But where was the spark? Where was that electric hum that had always existed between them?

"Bella, please, just tell me what happened, how did you get this way?" Edward begged.

Bella's eyes landed on Jasper and for the first time since he had changed her, she was angry enough to lash out. She looked back at Edward, his eyes practically trying to lift the answers from her mind yet again, clearly he still couldn't read her mind.

"Jasper did it," she said calmly, feeling vindictive, "He came into my room, we fought, he bit me."

Several things happened at once: Edward released Bella and let out a roar that she had never, _ever_ , thought she would hear from him, Emmett burst through the patio, forgoing the door in favour of breaking through the glass closely followed by a hysterical Alice who was screaming, "Edward! NO!" and a sobbing Esme.

Edward launched himself at Jasper and Jasper, from the looks of it, let him. They both fell backwards, Jasper using the momentum of Edward's lunge to throw him off. Edward spun in midair and was launching himself again as soon as his toes touched earth. Alice screamed his name again but he ignored her, his eyes black and intent on Jasper.

"You stole her soul! The one thing I wanted to protect!" he screamed.

Jasper dodged him and, at the last second, spun around to grab Edward's shoulder, slamming the bronze haired vampire into the ground. Jasper was on him before Bella could even blink but Edward was already moving out of the way of Jasper's snapping teeth. Bella watched, horrified, as those razor sharp teeth missed Edward's neck by mere millimetres. Edward kicked Jasper in the stomach and sent him flying backwards but Jasper merely landed in a crouch and pounced once more.

"BELLA!" Alice screamed. Bella turned to look at her, taking in Alice's glossy eyes, her hands in her hair and the terrified look on her face. "STOP THEM! HE'LL KILL HIM!"

Bella didn't know which "him" she was referring to but she knew that she didn't want to see either of them die, no matter how angry she was with the pair of them. She launched herself at Jasper.

She landed on his back and grabbed his arms, arms that were holding Edward down, and pulled with all of her newborn strength. Jasper couldn't resist. She wrapped her legs around his waist and clamped her mouth down on his neck, her teeth pressing lightly into his skin. Jasper froze.

"You really gonna do that darlin'?" he asked, his voice was calm despite the circumstances.

"No," she pulled her mouth back, "but I can't that say I'm not tempted. Now take your hands the fuck off of him and let's try acting like _civilized_ people."

Jasper grunted, a sound that clearly stated he didn't want to comply, but he released his hold on Edward and stepped back swiftly with Bella on his back. He was still slightly crouched, ready to defend himself if necessary. Bella hopped off of Jasper's back quickly and stepped in front of him, effectively stopping Edward from charging again.

"You've no right to attack Jasper," she said to the growling bronze haired mess in front of her. His clothes were dishevelled, torn and dirty. She didn't think she'd ever seen him so...unkempt, "He did not attack you, he did not change you; he attacked me, he changed _me._ And I have already forgiven him for it."

Bella wasn't sure that it was possible for Edward to look any more shocked than he already had that night but apparently she was wrong. His jaw dropped open and he just stared at her for almost a solid minute. If he hadn't been immortal and practically invincible he probably would have had a heart attack with all the bombs she was dropping on him.

"How could you?" he asked, astonished. In the blink of an eye he was in front of her, reaching out to touch her face. She flinched and took a step back, feeling Jasper step forward at the same moment; she could feel his growl rumbling through his chest from where her back pressed against him. She wasn't sure why but she took another small step back, pressing her body fully against Jasper's. All she knew was that she did _not_ want Edward touching her.

Edward's eyes darted from Bella to Jasper and then back again. His lips thinned and his eyes hardened. When he spoke, his voice was cold.

"I'm not the one who _ruined_ you, I'm not the one you should fear," he said.

Bella nearly laughed at him. Ruined? Is that what she was now? First she was just human, too ignorant to have an opinion and now she was ruined?

"No," she said, her voice just as cold, "you're just the one who broke me."


	14. Chapter 14

_She disappears in her loyalty. She is a dress wearing a face in the doorway, opening her arms up to you_ – "Whatever You Want" by Vienna Teng

Edward opened his mouth to respond when all six of the vampires suddenly realized that there was another car racing down the driveway. Bella looked up towards the house and the mess of the patio door as she heard the tires on gravel.

"That would be Carlisle and Rose," Emmett said to no one in particular.

"Great," Bella muttered, "Just what we need. More Cullens."

"We were only here to _help_ you, Bella!" Alice said, her tone defensive, "The least you could do is show a little gratitude."

"Gratitude!" Bella laughed and it was a hollow sound. "When I _needed_ your help, where were you Alice? When I was practically suicidal, where were you? When my mother died, where were you? Where was my so called _sister_ then?"

Alice opened her mouth and then closed it firmly, at a loss for words. Bella glared at her, satisfied that she had finally shut up the one person who had always had a convenient answer, all in thanks to her gift.

"Bella?"

Everyone turned to see Carlisle and Rosalie standing on the back patio, their eyes taking in the defensive postures of all six vampires on the back lawn. Carlisle still looked as stunning as he had when she was seventeen and met him for the first time in the Forks Hospital ER only now Bella was able to fully appreciate his pale skin offset by blonde hair and golden eyes. She felt something churn in her stomach at the sight of the man she had once admired so _damn_ much.

"Do I dare ask what's happened here?" he asked as he walked toward his wife. Rosalie headed for Emmett.

"Oh, Carlisle," Esme whispered, tucking her face into his neck.

"Bella you...you look..." he hesitated, clearly unsure of how to proceed and she snorted.

"Different? Little paler? Yeah, I haven't hit the beach in a while."

"What the fuck is your problem?" Rosalie asked suddenly. Emmett reached out for her but she shrugged him off, "You got what you always wanted, why are you being such a bitch?"

"Takes one to know one," Bella spat back, turning with lightening speed to face Rosalie, "and don't you dare fucking talk to me about what I wanted. I've had more than enough of that Cullen trait."

"Where do you get off?" Rosalie darted forward so that she was right in front of Bella.

"Rose—" Emmett started

"You've always caused problems for my family," Rosalie hissed, her golden eyes narrowed in loathing, "I should have killed you when I had the chance."

"Yeah, you would have liked that, wouldn't you Rosalie?" Bella sneered, "because god forbid someone other than you be the center of attention."

Rosalie laughed, "Right, because finding someone to turn you doesn't make you an attention whore."

Bella snorted again and shook her head, "You're a stupid cunt, you know that right?"

Out of the corner of her eye she saw Edward's head whip up in shock and she nearly grinned. _How could I forget about Edward's sense of propriety?_ She thought to herself. Her peripheral vision told her that every single Cullen was staring at her in shock, only Jasper looked unfazed. Bella didn't often roll out the C word, but she'd make an exception for Rosalie. She glared at the vampire in question, whose face was set in a sour expression. She opened her mouth but it was Jasper's quiet voice that cut her off.

"Bella didn't ask to be changed."

Rosalie's head whipped around so fast that, had she been human, it would have broken her neck. Bella followed her gaze and saw that Jasper was standing there, his hands resting lightly on his hips and a determined expression on his face.

"I stumbled upon her at the University of Alaska Fairbanks," he addressed the room but his black eyes were on Bella.

"She was a student there. An English and Psychology major in her fourth year, mere months from her degree. The only reason why I even found her was because I happened across her scent while walking through one of the buildings. Turns out, it's the same building she had her mailbox in, which meant that repeat visits would ensure her scent would linger," he smiled slightly, "you've always had a very distinct scent darlin'."

Edward let out a soft growl but Jasper and everyone else ignored him. They were as riveted by his story as Bella was. She belatedly realized that this was the first time she was hearing their story from his point of view.

"I followed her to where she worked, a cafe and bar called Down Dogs. I listened in on her conversations and I was extremely entertained by the backbone she seemed to have grown in four years," this time he really did grin, "I listened to her talk to her incompetent boss like the fool that he is, joke with her patrons, and chew out drunken fratboys. The more I listened, the angrier I got."

For all Bella knew, the rest of the room could have disappeared. She stared at Jasper and he gazed back, neither of them taking in the people around them. She frowned at him slightly, not understanding why he was angry at her for simply living her life. Almost as if he could read the questions running through her mind, he held up his hand to her, stopping her before she opened her mouth to ask.

"All I could think was, how dare you?" he said, addressing her now, "How _dare_ you be _happy_? How could you, when you were the reason my world had fallen apart. When that drunk student came out into the alley way, I lashed out at him and intended to kill him but you just _had_ to chose that exact moment to take the trash out."

Jasper smiled wryly, "I've never been so pissed off at a human in my entire life. God, you know just how to push my buttons, who knew?" Bella nodded sagely; it was true, they certainly knew how to fight, the two of them.

"Long story short," Bella cut in quietly, her voice soft and her eyes still on Jasper, "We said some really hurtful things to each other. Actually, we screamed them. And I may have hit him with a lamp."

Jasper snorted softly as she sighed, raked a hand through her hair and finally looked away from him. She closed her eyes and pressed her fingers to her temples. She felt like she _should_ have a headache and the memory of one flitted through her head even though nothing actually hurt, "I goaded him. He goaded me. We made mistakes. We both paid for them. End of story."

Bella didn't know why, but she didn't want to air their dirty laundry in front of the Cullens. By all rights, she should be spitting mad and letting out the whole sordid tale so that the Cullens could rip into Jasper. She had almost done that earlier and look at what had happened; Edward had attacked Jasper. When it came down to seeing one of them die, she had intervened without a second thought. Edward was still growling softly, Alice's face was a mask of anger, Rosalie looked betrayed and even Carlisle's upper lip was pulled back, exposing his teeth. Yes, if she wanted to, she could cause some serious damage here. Jasper was a good fighter, there was no doubt about that, but could he take all of the Cullens? There was a point in time when she would have said that it would never happen, they would never attack each other, but looking at the angry vampires around her, she could see it happening.

"End of story?" Rosalie hissed, her eyes darting between Bella and Jasper, "He changed you against your will and all you can say is 'end of story'?"

Bella sighed again, "Yes, Rosalie. That's how I feel. Trust me, Jasper and I have had plenty of time to fight about it," she sounded tired and she was, tired of talking, "we've talked about it, we've worked it out. It's done, nothing can change it, why continue fighting?"

"But your family!" Rosalie exclaimed, apparently forgetting that she hated Bella.

"What am I supposed to do, Rosalie?" Bella demanded, her anger rising again, "Waltz back into my apartment and say, "Guess what guys? I'm a vampire! I want to rip all your throats out!" she put on a falsely sweet and happy voice, " _Group hug!_ "

Emmett snorted and everyone's eyes turned to him, "What?" he asked defensively, "it was funny." Rosalie looked like she wanted to deck him but Bella almost smiled.

"Don't you want revenge?" Rosalie asked, turning back to Bella and pinning her with a curious expression. Bella looked at her, confused.

"Revenge?" she repeated, "What will that do? What will that give me?"

"Satisfaction!" Rosalie replied instantly.

Bella shook her head, "No, it won't," she turned and looked at Jasper again, "Maybe it would if it hadn't been Jasper, but there's too much history between us. I don't want to see him hurt."

"History?" Edward spat, "What _kind_ of history are you talking about here?"

Bella turned on him, her gaze cold, "Think Edward, think long and hard and maybe, just _maybe_ you'll come up with something."

"You're both alone," Alice whispered.

Bella had almost forgotten that she was there. Sure, there was the part of her brain that had catalogued each Cullen, their scent, position in the room and the threat they posed, but Bella didn't think with that part of her brain. She turned and looked at the short, pixie haired vampire and nodded once, "Yes. That is part of it."

"Part?" Edward repeated, his eyes darting between the two of them.

"Edward," Bella said, crossing her arms over her chest, "Let's get this straight once and for all, shall we? What I do with my life is _none of your business!_ So stop acting like it is!"

Edward closed his eyes and pressed his lips together as if he were holding himself back from bursting out with something. Bella didn't wait, she turned away from him and addressed the room at large.

"Yes, Jasper changed me against my will, but that is between the two of us and we've worked it out. I don't care if you don't like it, I don't really give a damn what any of you think and if that offends you, well, I don't care about that either," Bella walked over to Jasper and reached out, grabbing his hand, "Jasper has promised to stay with me until I can control myself, at that point we'll decide whether we should part ways, but that will be our choice and I really don't want to hear your opinion on it."

"Bella," Emmett said, stepping forward for the first time. He had been curiously calm and quiet throughout most of the exchange. "You have to know that we care abou—"

"Emmett, don't," Bella said, holding up a hand. For the first time since they had arrived, something other than anger was surfacing in her. She knew that Jasper felt it because he turned to look at her, squeezing her hand tentatively. He didn't try to drown out her emotions though, and for that she was thankful. She gripped his hand hard. She pushed back the anger over his lie about Tanya to the back of her mind because right now, she needed this anchor that he was providing. She knew, without really being able to explain how, that Jasper was here for her in this. Out of everyone in this room right now, she could count on him to have her back.

"Bells—" he tried again.

" _DON'T CALL ME THAT_!" she screamed, her voice breaking on the last word. It was what her father had called her. He was practically the only one who had ever called her that, with the exception of Jacob, but Jake had picked it up from Charlie and it hurt to hear that name dropping from someone else's lips. The horrible lump was back in her throat again and her eyes burned mercilessly. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply through her nose, trying to calm down. She would not lose her cool in front of the Cullens, they would not see her break down and cry.

Without opening her eyes, "You'll have to forgive me if I don't believe that," there wasn't a sound in the room except her own breathing. It seemed that every other vampire was holding theirs, "I was raised to believe that you stand by your family, especially when they've done nothing wrong."

"I know that I didn't do anything wrong," Bella said, taking another deep breath and keeping her eyes closed, she knew that if she was going to say this calmly she couldn't look at them, "And I know that you lay the blame at Edward's feet, that you feel he made you leave, but I cannot accept that. The fact of the matter is that no one forced you, no one _could_ have. You're fucking _vampires_ for fucks sake, you're immortal. It's not like a gun to the head has a lot of persuasive pull for any of you. I cannot forgive you for walking away from me when I would have done anything, _anything_ , for any of you."

She opened her eyes, her gaze falling on Alice. Whatever she was going to say next was pushed aside by the sight of the smaller vampire, standing there and glaring daggers at Jasper. Her golden eyes kept darting down to where Jasper held Bella's hand tightly in his own. Bella growled, "Succumbing to the nature that you fight to suppress every day is not doing something wrong. We are what we are, human, vampire, or animal; we can't change that and we all make mistakes. It does not make us _monsters_."

Alice's eyes darted to Bella's and she had the sense to look slightly ashamed.

"Jasper made a mistake, he's made a lot of them I suspect," she squeezed his hand, "but you were supposed to be his family and you tossed him away like a piece of shit because of something he really couldn't control. I _know_ that he didn't really want to hurt me and I finally understand a little bit of what he felt that day. But what I don't understand is how you were all so quick to condemn him for something that almost every single one of you have done before."

She looked at each of them in turn, "Each of you, with the exception of Carlisle, has taken a human life," she let her gaze rest on Edward, "several, in fact." She swept her gaze around them again, resting on Rosalie. The truth was that she wasn't _sure_ that Rosalie, or even Alice, had ever killed anyone and she was taking a gamble here but she was pretty positive that given the fact that she knew Alice had no guidance when she awoke the odds were that she would have given in to her instincts even with her visions. Rosalie...well, Rosalie was far too much of a bitch to not have taken that kind of anger out on someone before. "Do you deny it?"

Not a one of them spoke and Bella felt a brief rush of relief that she was right.

"So how _dare_ you judge him?" she asked, "You, of all people, who should have been _understanding_?" she shook her head, "I can't fucking believe you."

"His attack on your birthday may have been an _accident_ ," Edward's lip curled on the word as if he didn't believe it, "but how do you justify his current diet?"

"I don't," Bella said, "I don't like it, and Jasper knows that, but it's his _choice_ and I'm the last person who would want to take that away from someone even if I don't agree with it."

"So you'll live with someone who takes a human life on a regular basis," Edward asked, arching an eyebrow.

"How many vampires do you know, Edward?" Bella asked, casually.

"Hundreds," Edward said, his brow furrowing.

"And do all of them follow your diet? Or is there a huge population of vegetarian vampires out there that I don't know about?" Bella arched an eyebrow at him.

"Only the Denali's follow our lifestyle," Edward said shortly, the look on his face stating that he knew where she was going with this.

"And yet you still associate with the others."

"But we don't live with them!"

"But it's _my_ choice if I want to live with a vampire who _does_ hunt humans."

"Bella," Edward said, exasperated, "You can't be serious!"

"Oh," she grinned, but there was no humour in it, "I'm dead serious."

Edward didn't need to know that Bella really didn't have any intention of sticking around if Jasper was going to continue killing human beings. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he was right. Briefly, her mind went back to that kiss she had shared with Jasper and the fire that it had ignited in her belly, but she pushed it away to think on later. Not for the first time, she was glad that Edward couldn't read her mind. He would fly into a rage because...because he still loved her. She felt her stomach do a nervous flip and she swallowed unconsciously.

Edward was staring at her, disbelief evident in his expression, shaking his head slowly.

"I don't know you anymore, Bella," he whispered.

She clenched her hands, even the one still holding onto Jasper, and tilted up her chin, trying to push away the jumbled thoughts in her head.

"You never knew me at all."


	15. Chapter 15

  
_They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting_ – "Not Ready To Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks

"Christ! Christ! Christ! FUCK!" Bella's muttering exploded on the expletive as she kicked out at a fallen branch, "Onward to hell! Where's my hand basket?"

Bella stomped her way through the woods, not knowing where she was really going but not caring either. She had walked out of the house as everyone started yelling at once. Edward had protested that he _had_ known her, but that she had changed. Carlisle had told him to calm down, Rosalie had started yelling at Jasper while Emmett tried to calm her down and Esme cried to an oddly silent Alice. By that point Bella had seen enough. She had turned on her heel and walked right the fuck out of that clusterfuck of a situation. In retrospect, it probably wasn't exactly mature but she hadn't been making a lot of 'mature' decisions lately anyway so why start now?

"UGH!" she threw her hands up in the air and looked skywards, "WHY! IS THIS FUNNY TO YOU? OR DO YOU JUST HATE ME _THAT_ MUCH?"

Growling she dropped her hands and continued her angry march, muttering random profanities under her breath. Swearing always made her feel better when she was angry; she was of the opinion that when you wanted to put someone in their place it was best to do it with wit, sarcasm and class, but when you just needed to rant? Oh, swearing was where it was at.

"Shit, piss, fuck, cunt..."* she trailed off as the C word slipped out of her mouth again. Suddenly she giggled.

She had called Rosalie Hale a _cunt_. Clearly, she had a death wish.

Yet another brilliant decision she had made recently that, if her luck continued, would come back to bite her in the ass. Hard.

"How do I shove my foot in my mouth? Let me count the ways,"** she muttered to herself, "First, you go and antagonize a vampire when, if you had an iota of common sense, you would have been begging for him not to kill you. Can you manage that? Of course not, you have to go and _piss him off_."

She kicked at a stump and dislodged it, making dark, moist soil fly upwards. She didn't care, she stomped through it, feeling thoroughly like a toddler having a tantrum. Only a toddler didn't have shit on the kind of spectacular fit _she_ could throw. What toddler could punch a hole through a tree? Exactly. She walked up to the nearest birch and gave it a good hit, dislodging a sizeable chunk from it. She looked at the damage and instantly felt bad. It wasn't like the tree deserved her rage. No, that was all internal...well, most of it anyway.

"And _then_ , you have to go and _kiss_ the asshole! Kiss him! Jesus _Christ_ , could I make this any more complicated? Oh wait, of course I could! I have to go and tell all the fucking Cullens that I stand by Jasper even though I really have no intention of staying with him once I can stand to be around humans and not gnaw on their necks like a rabid animal. Oh, and don't forget the fucking _kissing!_ "

Bella spied a rather large tree and decided that it would be a good idea to climb it. Perhaps if she was sitting still she would stop wreaking havoc and destruction on the poor woodland animals and their homes. Mind you, none of the furry little critters had dared stay in the same vicinity. At least _they_ had an iota of common sense, unlike her.

She hauled herself up into the canopy of the tree with ease and slung her legs over a thick branch so that she was straddling it comfortably. She sighed and ran her hand through her hair, a nervous tell that she had started to pick up from Jasper. It made her frown. Jasper.

She wondered what was going on at the house right now. Was he being barraged with angry demands for answers and explanations? She wanted to feel some sort of satisfaction for that, especially after he had _lied_ to her about Edward and Tanya but she could _sort of_ understand why he had done it. At the time had they not been trading low blows? Still, it stung a bit.

But then there was the issue of Edward _not_ being mated to Tanya. And his confession? What was she supposed to do with that? He said he _loved_ her, but how could she swallow that one? She just didn't believe that you could love someone and still walk away like that, no matter what your justification was. Love makes people selfish, they want that significant other for themselves; true love would never be able to walk away with the knowledge that the other may very well move on. Of course, there was always the love the runs so deep that it's often only found between parents and children, a love where you would gladly sacrifice your own life, your happiness, your everything, to make sure that the person you loved was safe, happy, alive.

Was that how Edward supposedly loved her?

God, she just didn't know.

Bella groaned and dropped her head into her hands. She brought her right leg up, balancing her foot on the branch so that she could lean her elbow against her thigh. It was all an elaborate system to prop her head up because it felt so damn _full_ these days. Full of thoughts, feelings and fleeting memories. Fuck, she needed the vampire equivalent of an aspirin, or perhaps a tranquilizer...she could definitely go for a couple hours of oblivion right now.

"Bella?"

She nearly groaned again but she looked down to see Alice standing below her, her golden eyes no longer hostile. She was dressed perfectly, as usual, with her usual stylish flair while Bella had mud on her jeans from all of the kicking of logs she had done.

"May I come up?" Alice asked.

"It's a free country," Bella replied tersely. Alice didn't respond, rather, she gracefully climbed up the tree and settled on the same branch as Bella, straddling it as well, but facing the other vampire.

 _I wonder if I look that graceful when I move? Probably not_ , she thought to herself bitterly. She didn't know why but the mere sight of Alice was inspiring uncontrollable sensations of jealousy and envy. She had never felt more than love and fond amusement—and later anger and betrayal of course—for the woman in front of her, so why the jealousy?

"I wanted to talk to you," Alice said, looking at Bella earnestly.

Bella snorted, "Now you want to talk? Where were you when I _needed_ to talk?"

Alice frowned, "Are you going to listen to me or not?"

"Do I have a choice?" Bella countered.

"You always have a choice," Alice said softly, "I'm just hoping that you'll give me a chance to explain why I did what I did."

Bella sighed and, once again, thought that she should have a headache, "Okay, I'm listening."

Alice gave her a small, relieved, smile, "We left because even if we didn't agree totally with Edward's reasoning, which was that it was for your own safety, was that it wasn't our decision to make. It was Edward's because it was he who stood the most to lose if we lost you, he loves you more than anything in the world and he was terrified that if he stayed with you, you would end up dying at the hands of one of our kind."

Bella bit her lip, wanting to interject that she _had_ died in many ways since the day Edward left her in those god forsaken woods. Many parts of her had died, namely her innocence and the part of her that believed in true love overcoming all the odds. Not to mention her decided lack of a heartbeat now.

Alice continued, "When Jasper attacked you, I was convinced that he was right. We didn't just have to fear that it would be a random vampire, like James, but it could be one of _us_. That was intolerable. We love you Bella, Edward loves you. We left because we wanted you to live, Edward wanted you to have a normal life where you could get married and have children one day, grow old with the people you love; all the things that Edward could never give you."

Bella stared at Alice, torn between incredulity—at the presumption of the Cullens, who had assumed that they knew what was best for her—and disbelief. Part of her wanted to believe, so fervently, that Edward loved her like that, that he _still_ did love her like that. But the pessimist in her wouldn't stop shouting things like, _but he left you! If he loved you, he would have protected you! Now you're a vampire and where was he?_ in the back of her head.

"So we left, thinking that you would be better off, that we were doing the right thing," Alice looked up, pained, "I know now that we were wrong, I realize that, and I'm sorry. I wish I had been there when your mother died but I didn't find out about it until almost a year later and by then it was too late to do anything."

"Too late?" Bella finally did interject, "It's never too late to comfort someone you're supposed to love, Alice. I needed you and you were gone."

"I know," she whispered, "I'm so sorry Bella. I really did think it was for the best..."

She trailed off and looked down at the wood underneath her, her lips pursed in displeasure, "I'm sorry for what Jasper did to you. I don't know how he became this...this monster that he is now. He's not the man that I used to love anymore."

 _He's not a monster_ , Bella thought, eying Alice.

"When he... when he went for you...it broke my heart. I couldn't believe he would betray our love like that, our marriage, everything we stood for. I couldn't believe that he had been duping me for so long into believing that he was changed, that he didn't want to hunt from humans anymore. He had slipped up before but I had let those slide because I thought he was just struggling with his bloodlust but then when he attacked _you_? You were someone he had always said he admired and respected, how could he attack you if he truly thought of you that way?"

Bella was extremely confused and the confusion must have shown on her face because Alice gave her a sad smile and continued.

"Carlisle always said that it helps to think of humans as people too, it helps to remind you that they're a sentient creature, capable of love, passion, remorse, everything that we are. Your conscious kicks in, then. If Jasper really had thought of you as family, as a friend, as someone to be respected, he never would have been able to attack you like that, not unless he lied about how he felt about you or...or he just wanted to."

Her voice was soft, "Either way, I couldn't live with a man like that. We went our separate ways after we left Forks."

Bella was silent for a moment, trying to determine how to say what she needed to without screaming it. When she finally opened her mouth, she was furious, but controlled,

"I can't believe you. You're supposed to love him unconditionally, through the good and the bad, and you abandon him when _he_ needed _you_ the most."

Alice looked up, shocked, she opened her mouth to protest but Bella cut her off with a raised hand.

"No, I don't want to hear it," she said, throwing one leg over the side of the branch and sliding off. The air rushed past her for a second and then she was landing gently on the forest floor. She heard Alice jump off as well and land just behind her but Bella was already walking briskly back to the house.

"Bella—"

"No, Alice," Bella spun around and glared at her, halting Alice in her tracks, "What happened that night is as much your fault as it is Jasper's. You all played your part in it! Jasper is an empath! A fucking _empath!_ Use that brilliant little vampire mind of yours and think about it."

She spun back around and started back for the house, walking faster now. She wasn't full out running yet but no human being would have been able to see more than a blur going by. Behind her, Alice shouted.

"How can you blame us for that? We _protected_ you!"

"You all wanted my blood!" Bella yelled, not turning around as she cleared the trees and came into view of the house. She was in the backyard now and she could hear the murmuring of the vampires in the house come to an abrupt halt as they heard her scream at Alice.

"No!" Alice grabbed her arm, forcing Bella to turn around. She yanked her arm out of the other vampire's grasp and glared, "No, we didn't Bella. None of us wanted to kill you that night except for Jasper."

"Oh, you may not have wanted to _kill_ me per se, but you wanted my blood. Every. Single. One. Of. You. You can't deny it Alice! I was there, I saw the looks on your faces, the hunger, the desire. I don't blame you for it either, I understand, its part of your nature."

"What I _don't_ understand is how you fail to grasp that Jasper," she jabbed her finger behind her, in the direction of the house, "with his fucking gift could feel _all of your fucking bloodlust_! So instead of just having to deal with his own, he had to contend with everyone else's. Edward's alone would have been enough to make him lose it because I was Edward's singer and Jasper wasn't used to that. You wonder why he snapped? Of _course_ he snapped! He was dealing with the bloodlust of seven fucking vampires!"

Bella heard the Cullens and Jasper come out of the house but she didn't turn around because now that she had started she didn't seem to be able to stop. She had always admired Alice's gift and to be honest, was a little in awe of it as well. What she couldn't stand was how Alice chose to use it; there was being selective in sharing your visions and then there was letting them blind you to reality.

"Open up your pretty little eyes and take a look at the world around you, Alice!" Bella said, "You think you _know_ everything just because you can _see_ but your visions are subjective. Why can't you see that you're blinded by them? You see the world in black and white, right and wrong, true and untrue, but that's not the way the world works. There's always a grey area, always room for a debate and _that_ is the blessing and the curse of life; that nothing is definite, we are fallible and sometimes there is no right answer!"

"I know that you acted with the best intentions Alice, I realize that, I do. And I know that you're sorry, but sorry just isn't enough. I don't know if it ever will be," Bella said, her voice softening at the glassy look in Alice's eyes, "I'm not asking you to stick around and prove yourself or anything, but I am asking for you to give me time."

Finally, Bella turned and looked at the others behind her. Jasper was watching her intently, his eyes blazing with numerous emotions but his face carefully blank. She imagined that he was keeping his thoughts just as blank because of Edward. She smiled at him, softly, and he returned it.

Turning back to Alice, she said, "I need to deal with the fact that I will probably never see the people that I love again. I need time to figure out who I am all over again and..." she looked up at the Cullens and Jasper, "and how I want to spend my eternity, _who_ I want to spend it with."

"You want me to leave?" Alice whispered.

Bella closed her eyes, feeling oddly guilty. By asking Alice to leave, was she abandoning her the way _she_ had been abandoned? Did it matter? "I don't know," she said honestly, "I don't know what would be best. All that I know is that I can't stand this constant animosity. This is your home, I can't make any of you leave, but I _can_ and _will_ leave if need be."

"Don't go."

It was not Alice, but Edward, who spoke. Bella turned around to stare at him questioningly.

"Please," he said earnestly, stepping forward, "Give me—us—a chance."

"Why?" Bella asked curiously. There was no animosity in her voice, no scorn, just simple bewilderment.

"Because I refuse to lose you again," Edward said, walking up to her tentatively as if he were afraid that she would bolt, "I love you Bella, let me prove it to you. Give me a chance to show you."

Slowly, Edward reached out to grasp her hand. Bella didn't stop him this time, instead, she watched as his pale hand wrapped around hers with the same gentleness he had always shown when she was human. Something tightened in her chest as she felt his hand—warm to her now—gently squeeze hers. She closed her eyes and fought down the emotion that threatened to swallow her. How long had it been since he had held her hand? Years. There was no electric hum between them now but there was a familiarity that made her ache. Could she forget everything that had happened? Step into his arms? Take her place amongst the Cullens and forget that Jasper had changed her?

Jasper.

Her eyes flew open, seeking his. She found him. His gaze was shuttered and closed off from her now, no longer the beacon of emotion that it had been. Those black eyes seemed to bore into her and she felt the distinct flavour of guilt on her tongue, settling in her belly like a stomach ache. She pulled her hand out of Edwards, albeit gently.

"Your decisions are your own," Bella said looking away from both Jasper and Edward's intense stares, feeling a vague sense of déjà vu as the words left her lips, "and I'll make you no promises."

She swallowed thickly against the confusion and guilt that swirled around her. She had a feeling that things were about to get a lot _more_ complicated than they had been.


	16. Chapter 16

" _You what?_ "

Bella winced and was happy that, for once, it wasn't her shrieking. Was that what she sounded like every time she went off on Edward? Her upper lip curled as she glanced at the vampire in question. He was standing at the broken patio door, looking out onto the back yard, and pretending not to hear Rosalie screaming at Emmett on the front porch.

After Edward had declared that he wanted another shot to prove that he loved her he had promptly told the rest of the family that they should leave. Bella had stared at him with her jaw hanging open because the boy had to have a pair of brass balls to talk to his sire like that. Now, Bella wasn't about to bow down to Jasper just because he had turned her; she didn't hold with that Hollywood bullshit—if stakes didn't work on her, why should archaic rules like subservience?—but she _did_ believe that Edward should have shown Carlisle a little respect. After all, the man had saved his life, sort of, and treated him like a son.

But perhaps that was the whole point; don't children always treat their parents like shit? She sighed and thought of Charlie again.

"What's wrong?"

Edward turned and looked at Bella, who had another box of chocolates on her lap and pieces of wrapper littered around her.

"Nothing."

"Bella, I know that you're thinking about something. Just tell me."

Bella opened her mouth to tell Edward that he needed to learn how to read those not-so-subtle cues she was trying to give him when they heard Rosalie shriek again.

" _I swear to god Emmett McCarty, if you don't come home with us there will be hell to pay!_ "

Bella snorted. While Edward had convinced Rosalie, Carlisle and Esme that he needed to be alone with Bella, neither Emmett nor Alice had swallowed that particular pill. Alice had told Edward that her visions showed that she would be needed here, which Bella wasn't sure she believed. Emmett, on the other hand, had simply flat out refused to leave. It had been an interesting scene to witness, to say the least.

"I'm not going, Edward," Emmett had said, folding his massive arms over his chest, "I listened to you last time and look what happened."

"She can't die _again_ , Emmett," Edward has said, frustrated.

"Technically, she can," Emmett's response had been calm and logical, "But even if you were right, it wouldn't change anything."

Bella had been torn between amusement and a sense of fondness for Emmett that had snuck past her anti-Cullen barriers and warmed her dead heart. In the end, Emmett's stubbornness had worn Edward patience down, which had made Bella do a little cheer—something that she hadn't hidden, either. Emmett had grinned, given her a saucy wink and that little dead heart of hers swelled. She had missed Emmett almost as much as she had missed Edward and for the first time she wasn't upset about what she had taken to calling The Cullen Invasion of 2010.

"Rose, I need to be here. I want to mend things with Bella, if I can," Bella and Edward heard Emmett calmly telling Rosalie.

"Why do you care, Emmett?" she demanded.

"Because I love her, and we did wrong by her. I know I'm no Carlisle but I'd like to think that I'm smart enough to learn from my mistakes and not _repeat_ them."

"Emmett she's not a fucking doll! You don't need to cuddle her..."

Bella tuned out the rest of the conversation and focused her attention on the chocolates again. Rosalie had gone right back to hating Bella once she realized that Bella would not, in fact, demand Jasper's head on a platter in revenge. Bella couldn't say that she was particularly torn up about it.

With her tongue between her teeth she began pulling at the two pieces of the wrapper. She watched intently as the tinfoil slowly parted, in one piece, from the plastic. She started to grin; she was going to do it this time!

"Why are you doing that, Bella?"

Her hand jerked and the tinfoil ripped in half. She growled and glared at Edward.

"If you insist on watching me, do me a favour and shut up," she said, more irritated with her failure than Edward's interruption. He gave her a look that clearly said he was offended by her language and she fought the urge to stick her tongue out like a petulant child, " _Please_ " she added.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to disrupt your concentration," Edward said, seemingly mollified, "but why are you doing it?"

"It was Jasper's idea," Bella said, picking up a new chocolate and gently un-wrapping it, "It's to help me learn how to control my strength."

"Pretty ingenious," Edward muttered darkly.

"It is, isn't it?" Bella replied cheerily, playing stupid.

"So have you done it yet?"

"No," Bella said, wrinkling her nose as she started again, "I keep screwing it up."

Edward didn't reply and Bella figured it was because he didn't want to disrupt her. She could feel his eyes on her but she pushed him to the back of her mind, concentrating on the task at hand. It was an agonizingly slow process, especially for her, but little by little the two pieces were pulled apart until Bella was holding plastic in one hand and tinfoil in the other.

She stared at her hands in shock for a few seconds, her eyes darting from one to the other, not quite believing that she had _finally_ done it after dozens of boxes.

"Congratulations," Edward said softly.

She looked up to see an indulgent smile on his face and she grinned at him unexpectedly. She jumped up, causing the box to fall to the floor and shreds of wrapper to flutter around her thighs. Edward, looking surprised but pleased, moved forward as if he were going to embrace her but Bella didn't give him the chance to do so. Still beaming she said happily, "I have to show him!"

She jumped over the couch she had been sitting on and raced up the stairs to where Jasper was in his borrowed room. Thankfully, the door was already partially open because Bella was not about to pause and open up doors politely. She hipped her way into the room with an exultant, "LOOK, JASPER!"

He had been reading in a chair by the window and didn't look up immediately. He put his finger against the page he had been reading and slowly closed the book, as if he needed a physical reminder of what page he was on. Finally, just when Bella was about to demand that he look again, he finally spared her a glance.

The smile melted off of her face and suddenly the accomplishment wasn't as fulfilling as it had been because Jasper wasn't smiling. He wasn't getting up and kissing her cheek in congratulations, he wasn't calling her "darlin'" and telling her that now she had to do it with an entire box. He wasn't doing anything except staring at her blankly.

"Jasper?" she asked, quietly.

He glanced at the pieces in her hand before his cold, black eyes met hers once more, "What? Do you want a prize? Go ask Edward, I'm sure he'll indulge you."

Bella dropped her arms as she felt her stomach plummet. Something hurt in her chest as his words hit her and she fought the instinct to curl her hands into fists. She knew that he would feel her pain and turmoil, and she hated that. At least, with the others, she could pretend indifference.

"Is that how it's going to be, again?" she asked softly, "Are we really going to go back to that?"

"I don't know what you mean, Bella," Jasper said in a deceptively innocent tone as he opened his again, "If confirmation is what you need then fine, congrats Bella, you finally did it."

Bella bit down on her tongue but the physical pain didn't seem to mask the emotional one as she stared at him, hoping that he would look up and grin, give her some sign that they hadn't just gone back to square one.

But he didn't, he just ignored her.

She marched over to him, anger finally making its appearance, and dropped the two pieces onto his open pages.

"You're a bastard."

**OOOOOOOOOOOO**

Bella was staring at the now familiar islands when Emmett found her. The small stretch of shoreline was rapidly becoming her new haunt, replacing the roof of the house. It was easier to think when the only sound around you was the gentle lapping of water against rock and the occasional scurrying creature. These sounds didn't bring on a painful thought association, like, say, the slow and measured footsteps of a particular vampire.

She knew that, when she heard the crunching of shoes on forest debris, it was him approaching. His footsteps were, naturally, heavier though his movements were no less graceful to the eye. Emmett could have been a ballerina if he had really wanted to. Bella grinned as the mental image of him in a pink tutu flitted through her mind.

"You know, grinning to yourself is the first sign of insanity," he told her, sitting down beside her.

Bella chuckled, "I've got that one in the bag. In fact, I think I deserve an award for the best high functioning lunatic."

Emmett let out a muffled snort, "And the first sign of megalomania is delusions of grandeur."

Bella stared at him for the space of a heartbeat before she burst out laughing. She had never heard Emmett speak that way but she liked it. She looked over at his contagious smile and the dimples that she remembered from her human days as the laughter slowly died.

They stared out over the steel grey water and somewhere a Loon cried mournfully, looking for its mate. Neither of them spoke as Bella took in the midday scenery. She had never been out this way during the middle of the day, she had never needed to. The sun was high over head but it rarely made an appearance between the clouds. When it did, the two of them glittered like a pair of disco balls and Bella wondered for the millionth time _why_ big, scary vampires had to _sparkle_ in the sun. If she were being honest with herself, burning was way cooler, but beggars can't be choosers.

"I missed you," Bella said suddenly, "As cliché as it sounds, you were the brother I never had and I had come to rely on the fact that, if nothing else, I could rely on you to make me smile." A lengthily pause hung between them before she continued softly, "I really needed you."

"I'm sorry Bella," he said finally, looking over at her. His golden eyes were sad and just a tad glossy. "The only thing I can say is that, like Alice and Edward, I honestly thought it was for the best. I'm not saying that it was easy, or that it was right, but we all feared for your life."

"I can understand that, sort of."

"You can't Bella," Emmett insisted gently, "You've never been in that position, torn between what your nature is telling you to do and what your heart is sayin'. I love you, little squirt, but I can honestly say that there were times when my bloodlust was so much that I had to get away. You can't understand how conflicting those feelings are until you find yourself simultaneously loving a human being and wanting to rip their throat open."

Bella stared at him, shocked. She had never guessed that Emmett felt this way, that he had been that tempted by the allure of her then warm blood. But why was she surprised? He was a _vampire_ , after all. Had she not just yelled at Alice about vampiric nature?

Finally, she nodded and turned back towards the water, staring at it without really seeing. She was silent for a bit before,

"What's the second sign?"

She saw Emmett crack a lopsided gin out of the corner of her eye, "Developing a maniacal laugh."

"What? Like the over the top, 'Muhahaha!' kind of deal?" she asked.

"Yep," he nodded, "Austin Power's style, preferably."

Bella frowned, "I don't remember who that is."

Emmett rolled his eyes, "What has he been doing with you? You need to be re-educated in the glory that is anything Mike Myers."

Bella crossed her arms over her chest and frowned at him, trying to look stern, "Are you going to explain or what?"

"Nope!"

"What? How is that fair?"

"I play dirty baby, you know that."

Bella rolled her eyes, "Fine, fine, what's the third stage? Are there more than three stages?"

"Nope, only three," he grinned.

Bella waited for a heartbeat before her impatience got the best of her, "Well?"

He chuckled, "When your partner in crime screams, "RELEASE ZE GLOBE!" you are officially a megalomaniac."

Bella raised a disbelieving eyebrow and shook her head. Clearly, Emmett was insane.

"I'll show you when we get back to the house," he said, his smile faltered a bit, "That is, if you want to go back to the house with me?"

Bella smiled softly, "Yes, Emmett, I would like to go back to the house with you."

He snickered, "You're not getting in my pants squirt."

"Oh god!" Bella said, shoving him with one hand, "You're disgusting! That's not how I meant it and you _know_ it!"

He grinned, those dimples making an appearance once again as he reached out and pulled her towards him. He pinned her against the side of his body with his arm around her shoulders in that truly Emmett way. He had little to no respect for personal boundaries most times but Bella had never minded. He never took it too far and he always came out looking innocent, even when he wasn't. There was something about a man built like a professional fighter holding his hands up sheepishly and giving you a dimpled smile as he proclaimed his complete and utter ignorance as to why all of your underwear was decorating the tree on your front lawn.

Without a word, Bella scooted closer so that their hips were pressed against each other and she was tucked securely under his muscular arm. Closing her eyes, she pressed her face into the sweater that covered his hard chest and inhaled deeply. She had missed this; the physical elements of comfort and love. His arm squeezed her gently and dropped a kiss onto the top of her head.

Smiling, she said, "I love you too, Em."


	17. Chapter 17

  
_And Michael, you would fall and turn the white snow red as strawberries in the summer time_ —"White Winter Hymnal" by Fleet Foxes

"So, you gonna tell me what's going on between you and the Jazz man?" Emmett asked casually. Too casually, in fact.

Bella looked up at him and frowned, "You mean besides the fact that I'm stuck with his moody ass because he changed me? Nothing."

Emmett chuckled and released his hold on her shoulders so he could turn and face her, "Bella, if there's one thing you've always sucked at, it's lying."

Bella wrinkled her nose and opted not to respond, knowing that he was right. Her blush used to give her away but apparently that wasn't her only tell if he could still see the lie dancing across her face.

"You may not blush anymore but you get this look on your face and I just _know_ you're lying, so why don't you save yourself the trouble of having it beaten out of you and fess up, hmm?" he grinned devilishly.

Bella opened her mouth to reply but the only thing that came to mind was that perhaps Emmett had learned how to read minds in the last four years. She eyed him for a second and weighed her options; he probably _would_ try to beat it out of her, especially now that she was virtually indestructible. After all, he hadn't been exactly gentle with her when she was human. She had a few fuzzy memories of bear hugs tight enough to crack a rib and being tossed around like a feather pillow. She rolled her eyes and held out her hand, pinky finger out, the universal sign for, "this is a fucking secret, got it?"

Emmett grinned in triumph and hooked his finger with hers and they both kissed their closed fists to seal the deal. Bella felt a little silly for using such a childish pact but Emmett seemed thrilled and she chuckled at his enthusiasm.

"Okay, tell me everything," Emmett said.

Bella laughed harder, "You sound like a woman."

Emmett shoved her, hard, and she toppled backwards still laughing, "Shut up with that and tell me!"

For some reason, Bella couldn't stop laughing now that she had started. It felt wonderful, freeing, as the laughter bubbled up out of her stomach. She clutched at her ribs and rolled onto her side in an instinctive measure against laughter such as this, even though her stomach didn't hurt. Slowly, the gut wrenching laughter subsided into titters and giggles. She opened her eyes to see Emmett's golden eyed glare, he was literally pouting, which of course made her snigger again. He rolled his eyes, reached out and yanked her closer by her ankle.

"Did you sleep with him yet?" he asked, his tone completely neutral and his massive hand still around her foot.

That sobered her up fast.

She sat up, "NO!"

Emmett grinned, "Got your attention didn't it?"

"God, Emmett! Way to kill a mood!" she said, glaring at him and pulling her leg out of his grasp. She was filthy from rolling around on the ground like a wet mutt but she didn't really care at the moment.

"One of my many specialties," he said calmly, reaching over and plucking a burr from the hem of her sweater, "Now, are you going to tell me what's going on between the two of you?"

Bella sighed and raked a hand through her hair, "It's complicated, Emmett, I feel like my emotions are one giant knot in my chest and I can't pick them apart."

"That's called being a newborn," Emmett said, leaning back on his palms, "It gets better."

"And in the mean time? What do I do? I keep acting on impulses and not knowing if the emotion behind them is really _me_ or if it's just newborn-Bella having her metaphorical period."

"Well, everyone understands those instincts and the need to act on them, especially Jasper, so it's not like you have to be ashamed of wha—"

"I kissed him, Emmett."

Emmett's head whipped around and he stared at her in shock before he started chuckling. Bella threw a stone at him and it bounced harmlessly off of his shaking shoulders.

"Stop laughing you ass," she muttered, "It's not funny. I'm torn between wanting to rip his head off or his clothes."

Emmett snorted, "You sound like a female Praying Mantis."

"Great, because a blood thirsty vampire isn't enough, now I'm a mate eating bug."

Emmett chuckled and pulled her in for a hug, "I'm only teasing you squirt. How serious are you two?"

Bella sighed, "I wish I knew."

"Okay, well, how many times have you kissed?"

"Just the one time."

"Hmm."

Bella poked him, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Why haven't you kissed again?"

"You lot showed up."

"So?" Emmett countered, "Are you ashamed?"

"Well, no but..."

"But, Edward?" Emmett asked gently and Bella buried her face into the crook of his arm as she nodded.

"And how do you feel about Edward?" he asked.

"I don't know, I..." she sighed and pulled away from Emmett. She stood and began to pace, trying to burn off the restless energy in her body that had her wanting to go for a really, really long run. Preferably in the direction of Greenland. Or maybe Russia.

"Part of me wants to accept his excuses and go back to the way things are but...I don't think I can," she looked down at Emmett who nodded for her to continue, "Part of me can understand that he thought he was acting with my best interests at heart, but I can't accept how invaluable my opinion was to him. What's to say that's changed? And even if it has, should I care?"

"I don't know, should you?" he asked.

"Emmett, that doesn't help me."

"I know it doesn't Bella, but this isn't my decision to make, it's yours."

"I know!" she pulled at her hair, "And then there's Jasper."

"Yes, then there's him," Emmett shrugged, "How do you feel about him?"

"I...I...I'm drawn to him. I want to be around him. I want to listen to him talk; he makes the damn Civil War interesting, which is quite the feat to me. I love snuggling on the couch with him, the feel of his hand under mine, I... I'm not sure. I don't know what's real and what's my crazy newborn feelings."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, what's to say that when I'm in control of my bloodlust I won't find that I never really wanted Jasper?"

Emmett chuckled, "Bella, your bloodlust has nothing to do with who you want to bone."

"Don't be crude," Bella said absently, "What do you mean it has nothing to do with it?"

"It's like this, see," he stood up and brushed off his jeans, "Anger, lust, sadness, happiness, they're all biological responses and they're going haywire because you're suddenly a different species. When you were human you had years to grow into an understanding of those emotions, now that shit has been flipped on its head and you're left trying to put yourself back together. But love? Love is a choice Bella. Sure, there are chemical emotions involved, like lust and happiness, but you don't fall in love with someone just because they make you hot. You fall in love with someone because of who they are, you choose to love them despite their faults because those faults don't outweigh the positives. You love them even when the newness fades and the sex becomes regular, you love them as they age and wrinkle—well, you know what I mean. The point is, your bloodlust can't make you love someone, only you can choose that."

Emmett patted her shoulder, "You want my opinion?"

"Yes, god, please, yes," Bella said, wincing at how desperate she sounded.

"I think you need to follow your heart, it will lead you in the right direction."

Bella smiled softly, "Who would have thought you'd be spouting cliché's?"

Emmett reached out and gave her a hard shove, "Shut up, squirt."

**OOOOOOOOO**

Bella and Emmett decided that rejoining the group at the house was probably a good idea as they would have to figure out some guidelines for living together. It would be the first time they had all been under the same roof in four years and things were bound to be tense. Bella wasn't keen to join the party but as Emmett pointed out, Jasper was left with Alice and Edward; the two who were the least inclined to be polite. Emmett had given Bella a lot to think about and she didn't know where to even begin. Could her feelings for Jasper be real? What about Edward?

Edward was safe, in his own way. He was familiar. For all his faults, he was a good person and if he loved her... Well, wasn't that what she'd always wanted? Edward's undying love?

Was it?

She didn't know anymore.

Jasper wasn't safe, he was a wild card. She didn't know how he felt about her—especially now that he seemed to be royally ticked off with her—she wasn't even sure how she felt about him. But there was something there, something that she couldn't identify, that she couldn't rightly describe, that kept pulling her back to him. What was it? Love? Lust? Fascination? Loneliness? Something else entirely?

She didn't know.

"I'm sorry you and Rosalie fought about me earlier," Bella said suddenly, distracting herself from her own train of thought.

Emmett shrugged, "That's not your fault. It's just how Rosie is sometimes. She'll get over it."

"Will she?" Bella asked. Her ears picked up the sounds of the house, the humming of the water heater, the creaking of footsteps and a radio playing softly in the background.

"Of course she will. She doesn't understand why I needed to stay but she'll respect it because she loves me and she knows that I need this. Besides, she apologised before she left."

"They're already gone?" Bella asked.

"Yeah, they left shortly after you did."

"Yeah...about that," Bella sighed.

"Bella, you're going to have to choose between them, and quickly. You can't play them off each other, they both care about you but you're the one who has all the power."

"Emmett I'm not trying to play any—"

Bella was cut off by the cracking sound of a gunshot, making her stop in mid-step and turn to the sound.

"Was that what I—"

"Hunters," Emmett said, his nostrils flaring as he tried to catch a foreign scent, "Let's get out of here. They're not that close but I don't want to take a chance."

Bella agreed whole heartedly and had turned back towards the house already, her feet carrying her swiftly over the rough ground when the wind shifted and she caught the scent.

It invaded her nostrils with a heavy warmth that made her body freeze and her nerves sing with life. Her head whipped around and before she even knew what she was doing, her body was moving again.

"BELLA! NO!"

She was flying, the world was soaring past her in crystal clarity, but she couldn't care less about it. She was following the twisting, twining wind that carried the delicious, rich scent. Her body hummed in anticipation and her mouth flooded with sweetly flavoured venom. She swallowed it thickly but it did nothing to ease the roaring inferno in her throat, it only fed the flames. She could hear feet pounding into the ground behind her and she growled, urging her body to move faster and leave the pursuer behind.

She could hear the source of the scent now. Shuffling steps, muttered words and cries of pain; something metal smacked against a rock, someone made a hushing sound and another grunted. A small part of her brain registered that these were human sounds but all she could focus on was the scent on the air and the one sound that reverberated through her entire being.

A frantic heart beat.

It was pounding away in a chest, dulling the sound of the other, slower heart nearby. It was the sole focus of her mind, her world. The world turned dull, dim, distant. All she could hear was that frantic beat, the slower one like background music. All she could smell was the iron tinged scent.

She burst through the line of trees and her world was enveloped by the scent, the sight, the feel of it.

All she knew was blood.


	18. Chapter 18

  
_Here's to the nights we felt alive, here's to the tears you knew you'd cry, here's to goodbye_ – "Here's To The Night" by Eve6

Bella heard the exclamations of surprise from the two men as she appeared from nowhere but they didn't register in her brain. All she knew was the urge to feed.

She fell on the wounded man, her teeth aiming unerringly for his jugular.

Screams filled her ears but it was like background noise to the pure bliss that filled her very being as the hot liquid flooded into her mouth.

It was rich, thick and it warmed her from the inside out. She swallowed heavily, again, and again. It cooled the raging fire in her throat, soothed it like a balm on scorched skin. She needed more, more, more. There would never be enough to satisfy her need. She sucked until there was nothing left. She raised her head and saw the other one staring at her in horror. His heart was now a staccato beat and she could smell the fear on him.

She didn't think. She lunged.

He screamed as she tore into his throat, screams that soon turned in to gurgles as the blood washed over her face and into her mouth. It dribbled down onto her chest and the only thing that stopped her from catching it with her hands was the knowledge that there was more coming from the wound in front of her. She was in the middle of swallowing a large mouthful when she was ripped away from the source. She screamed her outrage as arms as hard as rock wrapped around her middle and heaved her back.

"BELLA! BELLA STOP IT!"

She growled furiously and fought back, twisting her body around so that she could face her attacker. Her eyes met familiar black ones and she lunged forward, trying to bite her captor. He was too quick for her though, a huge hand covered her face and kept her away from his own neck.

"BELLA PLEASE!" someone yelled from behind her. And then there were more hands on her. She screamed again and thrashed, managing to get one foot free, she kicked the giant in front of her. He went flying backwards, his hold on her broken. She twisted around and sank her teeth into the nearest body. He howled in pain but didn't let her go.

"Dammit, darlin'! That's gonna leave a mark!"

Suddenly, the world spun and she found herself pinned against the soil. A hand covered her nose and mouth, blocking off any sense of smell, as new weights added themselves to the blockade forming on top of her.

"Bella, darlin, listen to me," a rich voice said in her ear. She knew that voice. Who was that? She didn't know. That delicious flavour was still on her tongue and she wanted more of it. She struggled against the oppressive weight on top of her.

"Bella, love, it's Edward. Please, you need to listen to me," a new voice said. She growled, a low rumbling that reverberated through her body.

"Now, darlin', none of that, you'll hurt his feelings," the familiar voice was back but it was tinged with amusement. She stilled. Maybe her would let her go...maybe he would help her get back to that...that delicious...

"Bella, I need you to focus. I know it's hard right now, but I need you to listen to my voice. Remember who you are, Bella. You're the daughter of Charlie Swan, Chief of Police in Forks, remember?"

The words triggered something in her memory. A pair of warm, brown eyes.

"Remember Renee, and Phil. When was the last time you saw them?"

Blue eyes, warm smile, hot sun. Chalk covered hands, grass stains and hard benches.

"You're the best friend of Chrissy and Danny, remember them?"

Blue eyes, red hair. Green eyes, brown hair. Vanilla shampoo, fresh laundry. Warm and muscular arms, the familiar scent of boy.

"Remember the time we watched that movie? The one where you kept asking me silly questions about London?"

She did. She remembered resting her head against his shoulder and inhaling his unique scent as she pelted him with question after question.

Jasper.

" _What's with you?"_

" _I was just admiring the scenery."_

"Remember the time you ate that piece of chocolate?" his voice whispered in her ear. He chuckled, "God, the look on your face was priceless."

" _Shut up, you. I'll get it."_

" _Don't do it. You'll regret it."_

She closed her eyes and relaxed the muscles that had been straining against her captors. As if someone had lifted the barrier, the memories came rushing into her head like a dam breached. She watched herself fly through the forest and fling herself on the two unsuspecting hunters. She hadn't been able to think, only follow the basest of instincts. She whimpered; she wanted to cry but she couldn't.

"Shh, love," Jasper whispered. "It wasn't your fault."

 _He can feel me,_ she thought belatedly and the shame welled up inside her because, even with the pain of knowing that she had just taken two lives, underneath that was the thirst. She wanted more.

"Shhh," Jasper whispered again and she felt the hand on her upper arm move slightly, a thumb was caressing her skin, "Don't think about it."

She nodded tightly, she couldn't really move very much with everyone on top of her, but Jasper understood.

"We're going to get off of you now. I want you to close your eyes and hold your breath. Stay absolutely still. I'm going to pick you up and get you away from this, okay?"

She nodded again and did as he said, keeping her eyes closed she let her body go limp and stopped trying to inhale despite his hand over her face. As soon as he felt her body slacken, the weight was removed. Before she could even count to three, she was scooped up into a pair of strong arms. She leaned in to the body and wrapped her arms around it, burying her face in the fabric covering a chest. She wasn't sure if it was Jasper carrying her as she couldn't see or smell him but something inside her said that he wouldn't let anyone else handle her like this. She felt the wind blowing against her skin as she was carried swiftly away from the gruesome scene, her hair dancing wildly around her head and striking at her face almost as if it was trying to slap her.

"You can open your eyes now," Jasper whispered to her.

She did. He had brought her to a small river, she wasn't familiar with it. Slowly, he put her down and she looked around; the world was darker than what she remembered when she was with Emmett, the sun was going down and it would be dark soon. She turned around and looked at Jasper. He was watching her carefully; his face a mask of calm but his eyes were intent upon her face. She felt the shame well up inside her and she looked down.

That was a mistake.

She was covered in drying blood. Her shirt and pants were ruined; there were dribbles down her chest and great patches on her knees where she had knelt in it. Her hands were stained red, it was under her nails and in her cuticles. She gasped at the sight and the scent, old but still potent, filled her throat and set it on fire.

"Oh god!" she moaned, reaching for her shirt. She pulled it away from her, staring in horror at the rusty stains. "Oh god, get it off! GET IT OFF ME!"

She ripped the fabric away from her, hearing it tear. She reached for her face and felt the stickiness of drying blood on her cheeks and chin. She dug her nails in and scraped at it, "GET IT OFF ME! _PLEASE!_ "

"Bella, don't you dare hurt yourself!" Jasper growled and grabbed her hands, pulling them away from her face.

"Please," she sobbed, her eyes were burning and her throat felt tight as the flames of thirst licked at her. "Please, Jasper."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, pulling her towards him. His mask was gone, replaced by a profound sadness. "I'm so sorry, Bella."

For the first time since she was turned, Bella let go of the tenuous hold she had on her emotions. She pulled herself closer to Jasper, practically trying to crawl inside him, as she sobbed dryly. Jasper, for his part, only held her as close as he could, cradling her head into his neck and pushing her hair back off of her face. Bella heard footsteps, but she didn't look up. She felt like she was drowning in the shame, the anger, the sadness. She could practically feel it washing through her and into the chest of the man holding her. It was almost as if he were pulling it from her, though she wasn't sure that that was even possible. Still, it flowed through her, leaving a numbness in its wake. Someone touched her shoulder, causing her to flinch away and cling tighter to Jasper's shirt. She had an irrational fear that someone would take her away from him, tell her that she was unfit to be comforted, that she didn't deserve it.

"Go away, Edward," Jasper growled.

"Not likely, Jasper," Edward said, his voice low and threatening "I think you should be the one to leave, I will take care of Bella."

"Please," Bella whispered against Jasper's neck, "Don't leave me."

"I won't, darlin'," he promised, kissing her hair gently, "It's alright."

"No," she cried, "It's not. It's not. I killed them."

She heard Jasper sigh gently, "Yes, you did. But it still wasn't your fault."

That wasn't what she wanted to hear. She pushed herself away from him, rather violently. They both fell backwards but when Jasper simply raised an eyebrow at Bella she scrambled backwards, "Yes, it is! It's my fault! I killed them Jasper, I did! _And I liked it!_ "

She clapped her hands over her face and dropped to her knees, trying to block out the images that flooded her mind. The scent of drying blood surrounded her, giving life to the memories. The feel of the hot blood, pulsing into her mouth with every heart beat; the way she had to suck as the man died in her arms, the way his hands stopped pushing at her as he lost consciousness, "Oh god," she whispered.

"Bella, please. Let me help you get cleaned up. We need to get the blood off of you; it will help clear your head," Edward's voice was soft, as if he were speaking to a frightened child. In a lot of ways, that's exactly what she was.

She nodded and without looking at either of them, got up and walked straight into the river. She figured that this was probably the reason why Jasper had brought her there. The water rose up to meet her swiftly and soon she was up to her waist in softly rushing water. Without taking a breath she dropped down, her body sinking until she was sitting on the muddy floor. Since her body no longer floated she didn't have to hold on to the nearby rocks to stay under the water.

The world around her was a murky green and she could see the fine particles and microscopic creatures floating around her but what she couldn't stop staring at was the pinkish cloud that was emanating from her. She rubbed her fingers together and watched as more of the caked on blood was released. Slowly, she methodically cleaned herself off, watching as the water darkened around her. Her pants were beyond hope and she shimmied out of them, pinning them under a nearby rock. Her socks and shoes suffered similarly. Her shirt was still on the shore and while there were still a few stains on her bra, she didn't want to walk around naked. She rubbed at her body even after she knew it was clean. The cloud had faded, taken away with the soft pull of the river, leaving her in the green water once again.

Even after she had stopped obsessively rubbing at her body, she stayed under the water. It was peaceful under there, almost as if the world above didn't exist. She could hear the muted sounds of the water hitting rocks, sticks and the shore, but that was it. Fish didn't make any sounds and, even if they did, they avoided her like the plague. She could pretend that Edward wasn't up there waiting for her. That Jasper wasn't there, his shirt bloody from her body. She could pretend that she hadn't just ended two innocent lives.

She closed her eyes and their frightened faces flashed before her eyes once again. At the time she had been incapable of understanding what was going on but as she looked back on it her perfect memory pointed out details she had missed the first time. The first hunter, the injured one, had been shot. She could remember the smell of the burning flesh and the gun powder. His partner had been trying to determine how bad the damage was when she burst into their clearing. She heard the screaming again, the look on the second man's face when she turned to him, the blood of his friend dripping down her face.

 _This is what I am,_ she thought to herself.

This was the monster inside of her; she could no longer deny its existence, or that it was indeed a monster. Alice had called Jasper a monster, which wasn't wholly true, but there was an element of it inside of each of them. Could she live with that? Could she live with what she'd done?

She pulled her feet underneath her and pushed away from the muddy floor. She couldn't handle the memories, she needed a distraction. She needed comfort. She needed...Jasper.

She broke the surface of the water and swam to the shore before pulling herself up the muddy bank. She didn't care about sludge clinging to her bare feet, as long as she wasn't covered in blood. Jasper came forward, swiftly unbuttoning his shirt and about to hand it over. She stepped back, her eyes on the bloody patch near his silent heart, where her head had rested. He looked down, caught sight of it, and growled lightly. He ripped it off and threw it away, leaving his bare chest gleaming in the softly setting sun.

He sparkled gently, she probably was too, but what she couldn't tear her eyes away from was the scars on his chest. They gleamed softer than the rest of his skin, making the unmarred skin even more pronounced. She gasped and, despite herself, reached out to touch one.

"Here, love," a soft blue cotton button down invaded her line of vision, startling her from her goal.

It was Edward's shirt. She took it and looked up to say thank you but was met with his murderous glare. He was furious with her and for once, she couldn't do anything but agree. She slipped the shirt on and swiftly buttoned it up; it covered her up enough, falling to the middle of her thighs. Jasper let out a soft growl and Bella looked up, startled.

He, too, was glaring in her direction, but not really at her. He was glaring at her chest, at the shirt.

"She can't wear your shirt, it had blood on it," Edward snapped, "So you can quit the act."

"Stay out of my head, Edward," Jasper warned, "You won't like what you find."

"What else is new? I've never liked what I found in your head."

"What's wrong, Eddie?" Jasper taunted, "Can't stand for a little competition?"

"Guys," Bella tried, standing there dripping and watching them argue, "Please, not now."

"Is that what this is about? A game to you?" Edward snorted in disbelief, "Well, your little game just got two men killed and altered Bella forever, are you happy now?"

Jasper's lip curled, "Edward, that's not what I meant at all. I suggest you quit trying to turn me into the enemy here."

"That's exactly what you are!" Edward said, his teeth clenched, "If it weren't for you, she wouldn't be like this and those men would still be alive!"

"Please, stop!" Bella said, putting her hands on her temples. She had wanted to escape the thoughts in her head, the memories of the kill, but she hadn't counted on this.

"Don't you think I know that?" Jasper demanded, "I know it's my fault!"

"Then why are you still here Jasper?" Edward countered rapidly, "Do the right thing for once, leave us alone. Leave _Bella_ alone."

"I'll leave when she asks me," the restraint that Jasper was exerting over himself was audible in the short, clipped tone of voice.

"Edward! Jasper!" Bella yelled in vain. She felt like she was going to suffocate even though she didn't need to breathe. She just wanted the peace and quiet of the river bed again, she wanted the comfort of Jasper's arms again, she wanted things to go back to the way they had been when the world made sense.

"She _will_ ask you," Edward said, his voice calm despite the feral glint in his eyes, "make no doubt about it."

"Did you not hear her earlier?" Jasper asked. Suddenly, he grinned and closed his eyes as if he was enjoying something immensely.

Bella screamed when Edward lunged for Jasper. She watched, almost as if it was in slow motion, as he went in for the kill. His teeth were aimed, deadly and true, for Jasper's neck. Almost as if she were Alice and could see into the future, Bella had a vision of what would happen. Edward would latch on to Jasper's neck, his teeth cutting in and making that horrible screeching sound of tearing metal. Jasper would growl with the pain and try to throw Edward off but there is no way he would be able to. There was a reason why Jasper's neck was one of the few places on his body that wasn't layered with scars; having your throat in the jaws of the enemy was a sure sign of the end.

"I SAID STOP IT!" Bella screamed and something inside her _pulsed_. The world in front of her seemed to shimmer for a second and then Jasper was flying backwards as Edward hurtled through the air, landing gracelessly on the other side of the river.

There were rapid footsteps coming at them from the East but Bella was too stunned to pay attention. Her eyes kept swivelling between Jasper, getting up several feet from where he had been, and Edward who was staring at her from the wet ground on the other side of the river.

Emmett appeared from the trees with Alice close behind him.

"Why do I feel like I just missed something really important?" he asked.


	19. Chapter 19

  
_And I do want you to know, I hold you up above everyone. And I do want you to know, I think you'd be good to me, and I'd be so good to you.—_ Marianas Trench, "Good to You".

"Darlin'?"

Bella looked to Jasper who, now on his feet, was approaching her slowly as Emmett and Alice made their way farther into the clearing. She heard, but did not see, Edward get to his feet and take a running jump over the river.

"Want to explain to me what you just did there?" Jasper asked, standing next to her now.

"I—I'm not sure exactly," Bella looked back down at her hands, frowning, "I just didn't want you two to fight again."

"It would have been fatal," Alice whispered.

Bella's head snapped up and she stared at the smaller vampire. Alice had her arms wrapped around her midsection in a gesture that Bella understood all too well; whatever Alice had seen, it had haunted her.

"What did you see?" Edward asked, he was frowning at Alice. Apparently she was blocking him.

"One of you would not have survived," Alice said, softly.

Emmett made a soft groan; it was a sound of dawning comprehension. He glared at his sister, "You should have told me before you took off like a bat out of hell!"

"I didn't have the time to tell you," Alice said, her voice was still soft as if she were in shock.

"Alice!" Edward's voice was low and tightly controlled, "What are you keeping from me?"

"I'm not going to tell you Edward so just give it up already!" Alice snapped at him and Bella blinked in surprise. She didn't think she'd ever witnessed Alice telling Edward off, as a human or a vampire. She briefly wondered what the world was coming to when Jasper raised his hand to push it through his wind tossed curls and her stomach dropped to her feet.

There was a large and nasty looking bite mark on the underside of his upper arm, the wound still raw and weeping clear venom.

" _Dammit, darlin'! That's gonna leave a mark!"_

His voice rang through her memory and a rush of guilt followed. She had done that to him. She knew he had picked up on her emotions when his head whipped around and though she could feel his eyes on her, she could not tear hers away from the wound that she had created. She reached out and grabbed his arm, stopping him from hiding it as he seemed inclined to do. She could clearly see two ragged crescent marks from where she had lashed out at him and she remembered how she had turned into a mindless creature, bent on escape. She ran gentle fingers over the undamaged flesh surrounding the wound and felt Jasper tense slightly.

"Does it still hurt?" she asked, not taking her eyes off his arm.

"Somewhat, it will heal soon enough," he said, his voice was calm and assured but it did nothing for the shame that she felt.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, looking up at him finally, "I'm so sorry."

"Hey," he turned and effectively pulled his injured arm out of her hold, "it's okay, you were acting on instinct."

"I never wanted to hurt you," she said as she let him wrap his uninjured arm around her shoulders and bring her closer to his body.

"Bella, I know that," he said, levelling her with a stern gaze, "I've dealt with newborns for the majority of my existence, I know what happens when instinct takes over. Blaming yourself is like blaming a human being for breathing, for blinking, for having a beating heart—it's natural and uncontrollable. I don't blame you, and you shouldn't blame yourself."

She sighed and slipped an arm around his waist, pulling him close for a one armed hug that was more for her comfort than for his, "The logical part of my brain knows that you're right. The rest of me feels like complete and utter shit."

She felt his chuckle reverberate through his chest and into her own body.

His very naked chest.

Bella let go of him rather quickly and she knew that if it were possible she'd be blushing a brilliant crimson. Jasper quirked an eyebrow at her and she knew that he had surmised the reason for her reaction when the corner of his mouth twitched into a smile that he was trying to hide and he said,

"Really, Bella? You weren't that shy when you were taming my hair into submission, were you?"

Bella's mind went back to the hair washing incident, the one where she had insisted he take off the shirt he had been wearing because it would get wet in the process. He hadn't believed her at the time but he hadn't reckoned on her scheming mind. His back had gotten soaked because they had ended up goofing off and she had deliberately gotten shampoo all over him. A wet and soapy Jasper? How could she have resisted? She didn't even bother trying.

Realizing that he had known all along that she had gotten him half naked and wet simply because she liked to look at him—and that he was completely justified in questioning her sudden modesty—made her chuckle as well. She shook her head and stepped back into his personal space, fitting comfortably into the nook of his arm that bespoke of a familiarity that was not lost on the others present.

"That's it? You're going to laugh over a private joke and get all _cozy_ " Edward sneered the word, transforming his beautiful face into a mask of ugly emotions, "when Emmett and Alice have just been burying the two men that Bella killed?"

His voice rang through the small clearing, rising over the soft sound of the river behind him and bringing Bella back to reality with a harsh jolt.

"I never thought you'd be so cruel, Bella," Edward said softly. He turned away from her, the disappointment clear on his face and began walking away from them all. He was right, in a way, and she knew it. He was right because she had allowed herself to slip back into the bubble that she always seemed to find herself in when it came to Jasper and his charm. He had the strange ability to make her forget all about the world around her when he wanted to. He was right because she should have been mourning the loss of life that she had caused, not thinking about Jasper wet and half naked.

And it pissed her off to admit that he was right.

"That's right Edward," Bella called, her voice dripping venom, "walk away. It's what you're good at!"

Edward halted mid-step and she knew she had him.

"How dare you judge me for making a mistake when you've made plenty in your own lifetime?" she demanded, her voice low and angry. Jasper's arm squeezed her shoulders. "How dare you get _angry_ at me for killing two men when you've killed dozens?"

Edward turned around and pinned her with an incredulous stare, "Is that what you think? That I'm angry at you?"

"What else can I think Edward? I don't read minds, remember?" she said, crossing her arms over her chest and felt relieved for the solid presence at her side.

"I'm not angry with you," Edward said quietly, "Disappointed, yes, but not angry. I know it's not your fault that this happened."

Anger flared in her chest as she recalled the look on his face when she had emerged from the river, "I saw your face Edward, don't fucking lie to me."

"You saw anger in my expression?" Edward laughed but it was mirthless sound, "Of course you did Bella! Did you expect me to be _pleased_ by your circumstances, by your actions? Of course I'm angry, but it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with _him_."

Edward levelled a deadly glare at Jasper, who stiffened minutely and curled his fingers into the flesh of Bella's arm.

" _Christ!_ " Bella swore vehemently, "Let it _go_ Edward! What's done is done, I am what I am and nothing is going to change that. How about trying to—No, never mind," she shrugged out from Jasper's arm and grabbed his hand in hers, "I have bigger issues to deal with than fighting with a perpetual teenager."

Turning to Jasper, she asked, "Will you take me to see them?"

He didn't have to ask who it was that she meant and despite the glance he sent her way—the one that said, "I'm not sure about this"—he nodded silently and turned in the direction of the two freshly dug graves. No one said anything as they walked calmly out of the clearing but Emmett gave her a gentle, reassuring smile as they passed while Alice stared off into the distance, her eyes glassy and unfocused. Bella didn't turn to look at Edward.

As soon as they hit the cover of trees Jasper gave her hand a little tug and they took off running. Bella realized with a start that she was running through the forest of the northernmost province in Canada with nothing but a thin cotton shirt and her barest essentials on, which were also wet. It was one of those, 'oh, right!' moments where it hit her again that she was in fact a vampire and things like temperature had very little to do with her anymore. Those moments had become less and less frequent over the months she spent with Jasper adjusting to her new body so realizing that the forest floor actually felt soft under her bare feet came as a bit of a shock.

She wasn't able to linger on the thought though; before she was ready, Jasper was slowing down and coming to a halt in front of a massive maple tree. There were two mounds nestled into its roots, the earth was dark with moisture and Bella could smell that pungent earthy scent that always followed when you dug up healthy soil. Jasper let go of her hand and stepped back, giving Bella her space to come to terms with the evidence of her crimes. She stared at the mounds for a moment before, slowly, she dropped to her knees. Reaching out with one hand she buried her fingers in the loose soil, feeling it slip through her fingers easily. She pulled her hand back and stared at it. The soil clung to her skin, darkening it, clumping under her nails in and in her cuticles. Staining her. Her mind flashed back to her bloody hands and she realized that this action, the lives she had taken, would follow her for the rest of her existence. It would always stain her.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, not knowing if they could hear her. She was a vampire, a supernatural creature, but she still wasn't sure if that meant there was a god. She'd like to think so; she'd like to think that there was someone taking care of these two men who had met such a brutal end.

"I wish I could take it back," she continued, placing her hand atop the disturbed earth, "and knowing that I can't..." she took a deep, unnecessary breath and forged on.

"I can't promise that something like this will never happen again but I can promise you that I will do everything in my power to make sure that it doesn't," she said, smoothing out the soil that she had disturbed.

She heard Jasper walk up behind her before he crouched down and put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. She took strength from his calming presence and was grateful that he didn't try to bury the emotions that she was feeling now. She knew that she needed to live with the guilt and the shame if she expected to ever be able to truly come to terms with what she was.

"And Jasper will help," she whispered, knowing that it was true.

"Of course," he wrapped his arm around her again and pulled her into another one armed hug.

Bella melted into the embrace, shifting her weight so that she was leaning against him, and she felt guilty for taking comfort when she should be paying a penance but she couldn't make herself pull away.

"I know you feel guilty, but there's nothing you can do to change what has happened. You can only change the future," he told her gently.

"I feel like that last part should be stitched onto a throw pillow," Bella remarked causally, her eyes still on the two graves.

"Always the humour to disguise the distress," he shook his head.

"When did you get to be so smart?" Bella asked, a small smile playing on her lips as she turned to look at him.

He glared at her, "What do you mean _when_?"*

She grinned, "Well, I've heard that you're rather thick, you know. Nothing going on in that pretty little head of yours, so I was surprised that—"

Bella was abruptly cut off in the middle of her teasing when Jasper's expression shifted from mock anger to something she couldn't identify. She had less than a second to wonder what was wrong with him when suddenly his lips were on hers and his arms were yanking her into his lap with a fierceness that stole her breath.

Thankfully, she didn't need to breathe.

His mouth was rough and insistent on hers and she found that she had no desire to protest. Her arms went around his neck as she opened her mouth to him, tasting the spicy tingle that she remembered from the last time they had come together in this way. This kiss, however, was infinitely different. It was rough and hard, filled with anger, disappointment, and pure need. It was everything they hadn't said to each other since the day the Cullens walked back into their lives. Jasper bit her lip hard, pulling it into his mouth, their teeth knocked together and their tongues fought for dominance over the other. Bella's fingers slid into his hair and harshly yanked his head down to hers as if she wanted to consume him somehow. He met her violence with his own, squeezing her waist hard enough to hurt as he manoeuvred her so that he could pull her hips flush against his.

With the very little clothing that she was wearing Bella had no problem feeling Jasper hard against her. He pressed her ever closer, pushing up against her, to the point where it would have been painful had she been human. She gasped, pulling her lips away from his involuntarily, as she felt desire tempered with anger and pain shoot through her body. She knew, without asking, that Jasper had lost control on his emotions and let her feel what was raging through him. As soon as he realized what he had done, he froze.

"I'm sorry, I—I shouldn't have. I don't know what came over—" he began to apologise but Bella silenced him with a finger over his lips.

"Yes," she said, "you should have."

He stared at her for a moment, his eyes black with a different hunger than before, as if he were assessing her sanity, her ability to make decisions at that moment. He must have found some confirmation in her steady red gaze because within seconds he was standing with her in his arms.

"Not here," he muttered, turning and running with her. Bella's legs wrapped around his waist securely as Jasper took off, her semi-wet hair flying past her face with the wind.

They hadn't gone far when Bella was suddenly slammed against a tree and a sharp crack rent the air as the poor tree took a hit. Bella didn't have time to process it before Jasper's mouth was back on hers and he was biting her lip harshly again. His body pressed hers into the tree, allowing her the pleasure of feeling every curve and contour of his frame and she moaned her approval. The sound seemed to bring Jasper back to reality and he pulled away from her, his chest heaving despite the fact that neither of them needed to breathe.

"Tell me this is what you want," he growled, "that it's _me_ you want."

His face was angry and there wasn't a trace of vulnerability in his eyes. She knew that if she said no he would step back and walk away from her forever, never to be seen or heard from again. She didn't have to think about it or question her decision before it was coming out of her mouth.

"It's you I want."

His reaction was instant. Taking one hand off her waist, he reached up to bunch the dark blue fabric of Edward's shirt in his fist. With a growled, "I don't want his fucking shirt on you," he ripped it off of her and flung it aside.

She reached for him, unable to stop herself now that she had started, and brought his mouth back to hers. Their kisses were still rough but Bella found that she liked them that way. There was something indescribably hot about Jasper losing that fine thread of control and while that little bit of propriety she had demanded that their first time together should be romantic and at least in a damn bed she knew that that simply wasn't possible. There would be time later for sweet encounters, soft touches and gentle lovemaking but right now they had too much pent up anger and frustration to be anything even remotely like gentle.

Jasper thrust against her, hard, and a bolt of warmth shot through her body again.

"Again," she moaned between kisses.

She didn't have to ask twice.


	20. Chapter 20

  
_C'mon baby, make it hurt so good. Sometimes love don't feel like it should. You make it hurt so good.—_ "Hurts So Good" John Cougar Mellencamp

She ran her hands over his bare shoulders, feeling his muscles flex and shift as he moved against her. His skin wasn't smooth like hers; she could feel the slight bumps and dips in his skin that made up the criss-crossing scars and was charged with a sudden urge to know every single one. Leaning forward, she ran her tongue over the damaged skin closest to her, tracing it over straining tendons and up his neck. His skin tasted exactly the way he smelled; spicy with a hint of sweet underneath it all. Jasper's chest rumbled in a half growl, half sigh, as he guided her lips back to his with an insistent hand under her chin.

"Too much clothing," she mumbled against his lips, reaching for the waist of his jeans.

"Couldn't agree more."

Much like he had done with Edward's shirt, Jasper merely ripped off Bella's bra before hooking his fingers in the waistband of her underwear and giving it the same treatment. She had always imagined that something like that would hurt and it probably would have had she been human. As it were, she felt a thrill of anticipation as Jasper threw the useless material over his shoulder.

"I'm going to have to go back nake—ohhh" Bella's words died in her throat as Jasper cupped both of her breasts in his palms and brought his mouth down to claim a nipple.

His movements were surprisingly gentle considering how rough he had been with her mere seconds before and she wasn't sure what to make of it. She didn't have long to dwell on it, however, because he swirled a tongue around her nipple and suddenly her hands were in his hair again, pressing him closer. He obliged, gently nipping the sensitive skin with his sharp teeth before sucking it into his mouth to tease with his tongue. Bella let out such a wanton sound as she arched into his mouth that she thought she ought to be embarrassed but she hadn't the room for such emotions, she only wanted more.

Reaching for the waist of his jeans, Bella gave them a sharp tug and grinned triumphantly as she heard a soft pop that told her Jasper would either be walking back starkers or would have to at least hold his pants up. She pushed the denim off of his hips only to find that there was nothing but more skin and sharp hipbones underneath.

"Jasper Whitlock goes commando. Apparently there is a God, after all," she whispered and felt more than heard Jasper's chuckle against her chest.

As soon as his jeans fell and pooled around his feet Jasper thrust against Bella again, only this time there wasn't a scrap of material between them. It was skin on skin, hot flesh meeting hard, electricity dancing through veins, fucking _glorious_.

"Oh, god," Bella moaned as his cock brushed against her in just the _right_ spot. It sent a blaze of heat racing through her body and had her trying to thrust back. From her awkward position against the tree Bella was more than a little at Jasper's mercy and the thought caused the tightly coiled desire in her gut to wind all the tighter, making her feel like she was a step closer to exploding in anticipation. Jasper's mouth latched on to her neck, over a scar that fit his mouth perfectly, as his hips continued to thrust steadily against her in a slow and torturous pace. With every movement he slid through her folds, the ridges of his cock teasing her clit and making her muscles clench with need. It was hot, slick and _ohfuckinggoddon'tstop_.

"I won't," he murmured in her ear, his breath warm against her wet skin, and Bella realized that she had said that aloud.

"Please," Bella responded, "stop fucking _teasing_ me."

"But it's so...," another slow thrust and her eyes rolled to the back of her head, "much fun... this way."

"You fucker—"

Again the words died in her throat, turning into a choked gasp that she had never made before as Jasper pulled back just far enough to situate himself at her entrance. Gently, he pressed forward, pushing himself into her body with an excruciating amount of control. He had been so fucking gentle with her from the moment he ripped the last bit of clothing off of her body and there was a large part of her that really wished he would _fuck her_. She wanted the anger back; she wanted it hard and fast and up against a goddamn tree. She moaned as he filled her, as her body stretched and acclimatized to an invasion that she had not experienced in a very long time. When he was fully seated inside her, Jasper let out a breath she hadn't realized he had been holding. His entire body was trembling; she wasn't sure if it was the effort that it took him to hold back or something else but she hoped that he would let go of that hold, just let go and...

"Jasper," Bella ground out tightly.

He looked up at her, a question in his dark eyes, but he said nothing.

" _Fuck me_."

He needed no further incentive.

Pulling back to the point where they almost separated, Jasper slammed back into her with a force that made the tree behind her creak pitifully and her cry out with pleasure. She didn't have time to catch her breath before he did it again, and again, his fingers holding onto her hard enough that she was pretty sure they would leave marks, vampiric body or not. But she didn't care, couldn't care, all she could feel was the powerful movements of his body and his mouth as he attacked her lips, her neck, her breasts. With every thrust the bark of the tree scratched ineffectually at her granite back, and she loved it. She touched every inch of him that she could reach; her legs clamped around his waist like a vice, her hands on his face and in his hair, her mouth whispering encouragements as the coil wound tighter and tighter. Faster. Right there. Harder. More. Need you. Only you. More.

When he reached between them to press his thumb against that sweet spot something exploded inside her, taking her off guard. Bella was no innocent, she had been with a man before but what little memory she had of it couldn't compare to the way she fell apart now. The whole world narrowed to their two bodies, pressed tightly together, his hands on her, inside her, surrounding her. In that moment of pure pleasure she arched off the tree, flinging her head back into the wood, as her hands pulled on blonde hair and her heels dug into a hard ass. She was lost, awash in a sea of sensations and emotions, ones that she knew were not wholly her own. Jasper followed close behind her, shuddering as her body convulsed around him and he pressed ever closer to her; burying his face into the crook of her neck as he rode out the pleasure and breathed in the scent of her skin.

She felt the moment when the energy left him because he sagged against her, his weight the only thing that kept her pinned to the tree. She wrapped her legs more securely around him, the two of them still intimately connected, and let her hands fall from his hair to dance softly down his back. They stayed that way for some time, simply breathing each other in and holding on to the peace that seemed to have finally descended upon them after so long. More than once Bella found herself breathing in deeply, memorizing the scent of the two of them together mixed with the gentle scent of pine. She glanced up at the needle ridden boughs above her and grinned; she'd never be able to look at a Christmas tree the same way ever again. She sighed gently and pillowed her cheek on the top of Jasper's blonde head, enjoying the softness of his hair and the intensity of his scent. For the first time in a long time, longer than from when she had been changed, she felt content. She wanted to stay there, in that happy place, holding Jasper to her and just bathing in the comfort and...and...

"I'm sorry," Jasper mumbled into her flesh, distracting her from her train of thought. With his face still pressed to her skin he continued, "That's not how I had pictured it happening."

"Me neither," Bella confided, "but you've nothing to be sorry for. I'm the one who's sorry."

This time Jasper did pull back and look at her, his face expectant as he slipped his hands under her thighs to hold her more securely.

"I'm sorry," she whispered, aware of how vulnerable she was like this, "for everything. For the uncertainty, for the frustration, for not knowing what I wanted... _who_ I wanted."

"I have no excuses, I can only tell you that I was confused. I know that I really shouldn't have been," she continued as Jasper watched her, his face calm and open, "I always knew the answer, but I was scared to admit it."

"Why?" he asked, a small furrowing his brow.

"Because I never know what to expect from you, you're the wild card and I refuse to fall again only to get hurt."

"Getting hurt is part of life though, Bella," he said gently.

"I know that, but are you telling me you're willing to repeat everything that happened with Alice?"

"No," he whispered, his hands tightening on her thighs, "which is why I backed off when Edward showed up again...I wanted you to choose for yourself in the hopes that if you picked me with a clear head that you wouldn't regret it later and leave."

Bella let out a bark of laughter, "A clear head? Jasper, have you had _your_ head in the sand lately? Since they showed up nothing has been clear, or straight forward. In fact, it's been a fucking mess!"

"Well, yes," a ghost of a smile flitted across his lips, "but I wanted to try to give you the chance to make your choice and I wasn't always neutral but..."

Bella snorted and shook her head. Jasper had been anything but neutral, he had been downright mean to Edward and a source of confusion for her but she understood what he was trying to say. She grabbed his face in her hands and kissed his lips chastely.

"I've made my choice."

**OOOOOOOOOOOOOO**

"I cannot _believe_ we're doing this," Bella muttered as she watched Jasper's naked rear scale the side of the house.

He grinned down at her as he dangled from her bedroom window and pried the window open with one hand. He darted inside the room in the blink of an eye but quickly reappeared as he leaned his upper body out the window and held out both hands.

"C'mon," he mouthed, trying to keep their incognito entrance a secret from the other three vampires who were probably somewhere nearby. There were at least two people in the house and Bella lived in fear that the third, who she prayed would not be Edward, may stumble upon her in all her half naked glory.

She was wearing Jasper's jeans, which she now regretted ripping the button off of, and nothing else. An arm over her breasts and a hand holding up the denim was the only thing that stopped the world from seeing her as naked as the day she was born. She looked at the side of the house and then back up at Jasper with a sigh. She was a vampire, yes, but she couldn't fucking _fly_! How he had gotten up there was a mystery to her, even though she had it completely memorized. She took a few large steps back and sized up the space she was supposed to jump. Taking an unnecessary breath, she ran for the side of the house. She would need both hands as she jumped for windowsill which meant that in mid-air she had to let go of the jeans about her waist.

She felt the denim falling as soon as she let go but she had enough momentum that she was able to get one hand on the windowsill while she reached for Jasper's hand with the other. He grabbed onto both of her wrists and hauled her into the room as the jeans slid off her legs and landed on the wet grass with a thump. Jasper began laughing as he realized what happened and crumpled to the floor as soon as she was halfway through the window. She landed on top of him, naked, limbs tangled together and they laughed about the sheer idiocy of what had just happened.

"I thought vampires were supposed to be graceful?" he teased her.

"I am _always_ the exception to the rule," Bella said, still chuckling.

It felt nice, lying there on the floor in Jasper's arms and just laughing. It had been so long since they had just _laughed_ together. Unfortunately, they couldn't stay there all day or they would be discovered before they had put some clothing on. Bella had no intentions of hiding the fact that she had chosen Jasper but she'd rather not be ousted while still naked. She got up with a sigh and padded softly over to the dresser where she knew she had recently put Jasper's old sweats. Plucking them out of the drawer she tossed them to him, along with one of Charlie's old Forks Police shirts before pulling out some clothing for herself.

"Don't you want to shower first?" he asked her as he pulled the shirt over his head.

She turned to look at him, "No, I would rather deal with Edward first."

He seemed to hear all of her unspoken words because his face became serious and he nodded quietly. She wanted to talk to Edward about several things, all of which centered around how she couldn't ever be with him again and that he needed to accept that. She wasn't looking forward to it.

She pulled on what she used to call 'work out gear'; a sports bra, tank top and yoga pants. It didn't hold the same comfort appeal that it once had but the memory itself was comfort enough. She liked the familiarity of her old clothes and the way some of her scent still clung to the older items. She turned to the mirror above the dresser for the obligatory 'check that everything is in the right place' when she caught sight of her eyes and she froze.

They were glowing like red rubies set against a flame.

Her hand came up to her face involuntarily and she realized that it was just like the first time she had seen her eyes after her change. Jasper appeared in the reflection behind her and his arms slipped around her waist, pulling her against the comforting strength and protection of his body.

"You were right, when you made your promise to them. You can't know that it will never happen again, but you can try your damnest to make sure it doesn't, and I will be there for you every step of the way," he said softly, his eyes burning into hers in the mirror.

His eyes.

She gasped, whirling around to look at the real things and was met with his wry grin and murky orange irises.

"But...how?"

The grin widened, "Well, for starters it's been a while since I fed from a human being but it's been almost as long since I fed at all...I haven't really had much of an appetite lately."

She stared at him, trying hard not to grin, and ran back through the memories in her mind. It was true, his eyes had been black as pitch for one reason or another for the last couple of weeks and she knew from experience that one could be drinking from animals for weeks before it started to show. Jasper must have changed his feeding habits before the Cullens showed up, but how long before?

She was going to ask him just that but when she opened her mouth, the word that came out was, "Why?"

"Because I knew I had a choice between you and that, I'd be a fool to choose human blood over you," he said, pulling her close.

"I wouldn't have asked you to choose," she said quietly, still in awe of his eyes.

"I know, but that doesn't mean it wouldn't have become an issue one day," he said with a small shrug, "I can't promise that I'll never slip up, you can't promise that you won't either, but hopefully together we can keep each other in check."

She smiled, "I like the sound of that."


	21. Chapter 21

  
_Cause if I look into your eyes then I'll have to say goodbye and that'll break my heart so I won't even start, no, I won't even start_ —"Won't Even Start" by David Choi

It was with some trepidation that Bella found herself heading down the stairs with Jasper just behind her. They could both hear odd movement coming from the living room though no one was speaking. This lack of sound meant that Bella couldn't tell who she was about to encounter and whether it would be a hostile meeting or not. She turned, quickly, and gave Jasper a questioning look. When he grimaced and wrinkled his nose she was not encouraged. Whatever he was sensing from the two vampires in the other room, it wasn't good.

 _Let it be Emmett, Emmett and some new friend he just happened to stumble across in the middle of fucking nowhere,_ she thought to herself as she rounded the corner and stepped into the room.

No such luck. Edward was standing by the recently mended patio door with murder on his face while Alice sat cross legged and as still as stone on the couch, a faraway look in her topaz eyes.

"I'm leaving."

Bella's eyebrows skyrocketed to her hairline, she hadn't been expecting that. He turned to look at her, a blank expression on his face that made him seem like a stranger.

"I do have ears, despite what you might think," his voice is a bland as his face, "and you're almost as bad as Rosalie."

Bella winced, apparently her cat was out of the bag.

"Edward, I'm sorry. That's not how I wanted you to find—"

"Spare me," there was no censure in his tone as he turned around, "if you'd wished to take my feelings into consideration you would not reek of him right now."

Jasper let out a soft growl that seemed to echo throughout the silent room. Bella didn't know what to say, she hadn't thought about that. She hadn't thought about Edward at all from the moment Jasper's lips met hers in front of those graves. Her initial good intentions—wanting to break it to Edward immediately rather than string it along anymore—seemed to have backfired in her face.

"Whatever you may think, that was not my intention," she told him, stepping further into the room. She heard Jasper follow her, his footsteps coming to a halt just behind her. He was so close, if she just leaned back a tad she could fall into the comfort of his strength. She could, but she would not. This was her clusterfuck to clean up and if she had to put on her big girl panties to do so, then it would be done.

Edward turned back to the patio door to look out the huge windows. "Is this your punishment? For everything that I've done to you?"

"What?" She blinked, shocked. "Of course not! I would never do that!"

"Wouldn't you?" he asked, his voice sounding hollow.

Bella's palm itched with the urge to walk over and smack him about the head but she resisted and gritted her teeth, "If that's what you think of me then I was right, you never knew me at all."

It was sudden and unexpected, his violence. One second he was standing at the patio door, his hands in his pockets, staring out into the back yard. The next, his fist had shot out and there was the sound of shattering glass. When he spun around, Bella was confronted with someone that she did not know.

"Of course not!" he snarled, his face twisted with anger, "Everything's my fault isn't it? I try to do the right thing by you, but apparently I'm just the biggest asshole to ever walk the planet. I try to make up for it, I _fucking beg_ you for forgiveness and what do I get? _You fuck him right under my nose!_ "

Bella had never seen Edward lose control like he was now and despite the fact that she was shocked and more than a little pissed off at him, she understood and thought that maybe, just maybe, it was a good thing for him. He trapped himself behind old world morals, polite mannerisms and the belief that because he had lived for so long he was infinitely more intelligent than anyone else. Perhaps, if he learned to be a little bit more flexible, if he learned to _listen_ to people, he might find a piece of happiness in his existence.

"Edward," Alice stood up in a smooth fluid motion, reminding Bella that she was even there.

He paid her no mind. "Perhaps, if I had acted in the same manner, if I had given in to the _monster,_ you would have chosen me, hmm?"

Bella stared at him, her mouth slightly open, still more than a little disbelieving. But Edward wasn't done, it seemed that once he got started, he couldn't stop.

"Or is it the fact that you know I won't fuck you in the woods, or outside of wedlock? That I have _standards_ —"

Jasper roared with anger and flew at Edward. Bella yelled out to him, stepping forward, her hand outstretched to stop him but he had moved too fast for her. What he couldn't out manoeuvre, however, was her gift. Without meaning to, Bella felt that pulsation deep inside her and suddenly Jasper was knocked aside, tumbling into the glass coffee table. Bella grimaced and made a mental note to only buy metal framed furniture in the future—not that that would stop a raging vampire of course.

Jasper was back up on his feet within a second but it was enough time for Bella to step in front of him and put a hand on his chest.

"Don't do this Jasper," she told him, trying to focus on sharing her calm with him through the contact.

"I will not tolerate him saying such things about you," Jasper growled, his eyes black again and glaring daggers at Edward over Bella's head.

"And while I appreciate the sentiment I would like to remind you that this is the 21st century and women fight their own battles these days," she told him in a semi-playful voice.

He looked down at her then and she gave him a saucy wink, letting him know that she was teasing him. His expression softened slightly and he nodded minutely. She could still feel the tension running through his tightly wound body and when he looked up at Edward again she was surprised that the bronze haired vampire didn't simply drop dead. He continued to try to kill Edward with his eyes alone but she knew that Jasper would hold himself in check. If only for her. She stroked his chest slightly with her thumb before turning and letting her hand drop.

"Edward, you could have fucked me till the cows came home and it wouldn't have made either of us happy."

His lip curled and it was an ugly expression on such a beautiful face but Bella knew that lying to him now would only come back to bite her on the ass later.

"You need to realize that a relationship between the two of us...it never would have worked," Bella's voice softened as she looked at the boy she once thought was a man, a man she thought she loved.

She had been a child, really, when she loved him and she had been a child when he broke her heart and left her feeling as if the world would never be right again. She had clung to that child inside of her, even as she grew, matured and became independent. She wasn't quite sure when she had let go of that child, she knew that it had existed the night she had knelt in her shower, her arms wrapped around herself, as she cried out the pain, but somewhere between then and now the child had drifted away. She placed a hand against her chest, the place where she once felt that her heart had been ripped out. It hadn't been, of course. It was still there, silent, but present.

"We're too different Edward. We're too stubborn; neither one of us was willing to give in. You thought you knew what was best for me, you still do, and I can't even begin to explain to you how much that makes me want to commit vicious acts of violence."

She walked forward and grabbed his hand in hers. He watched her, his black eyes dull and dejected. "We never would have made each other happy, not in the long run. What is done, is done. We may be supernatural creatures in our own right, but we cannot change the past. The only thing we can do is learn from it, grow, change. Only our bodies are frozen like this; I do not believe for one second that we are not capable of expanding our minds otherwise vampires like Carlisle would not exist. He thrives on learning new things about the human body, new medical techniques and technology that are designed to save the lives he feels he owes to the world. If we were truly frozen, Carlisle would still be the pastor's son with old world views and beliefs."

"I know that this isn't what you wanted and to be honest, it wasn't always what I wanted either. It feels like decades now, but I once dreamed of a forever with you. When you showed up again I didn't know what to do, I was so god damn confused because here you were, offering me what I had not allowed myself to want for four years. I'm sorry that I was too confused to give you a straight answer, I'm sorry that you got hurt in the process because as much as I hate your methods, I do believe that you acted out of love."

She squeezed his hand, feeling her that familiar pressure behind her eyes, "But I cannot be what you want, what you need. I'm not that stupid little girl without a spine to speak of, who followed her heart even when she should have used her brain. I grew up, and I grew out of that. I don't doubt for a minute that it will be harder for you to do the same but I sincerely hope that one day you can."

Edward's head dropped to his chest, as if the weight of it was too much for him to bear. Bella heard the ragged sob that ran through his body and something in her melted towards him. He was misguided, he was arrogant, he was a fool...but he was a fool in love with a woman who no longer wanted him and she knew all about that. Without thinking about it, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him. It felt alien at first, holding this man who was truly still a boy, but when his arms wrapped about her waist and his head fell to her shoulder she knew that she had done the right thing.

She heard, but did not see, Alice and Jasper leave the room and for that she was grateful. Edward was not as stoic as Jasper but he too came from a time when men were held to higher expectations and he would not want everyone witnessing this kind of weakness, even if they could still hear it. Her mind briefly drifted to ponder where Emmett had gotten off to and whether or not he would walk in on this episode but that train of thought quickly dissolved as Edward let out a muffled sob that she knew he tried to keep inside.

She felt his body shudder as he clung to her; holding her tight against his frame as if he would never be able to let her go, as if he would never get to hold her like this again. He probably never would and he knew it. She tried to soothe him as she would a child; one hand rubbed up and down his back while the other smoothed his wild hair. He was as quiet as he could be, his lips pressed together and against the skin of her shoulder, but she didn't need to have Jasper's gift to feel his pain—it radiated out of him. There was a part of her that mourned for him; grieved the loss of her innocence so many years ago, of her first love lost. Part of her grieved for the pain that he was feeling now, the pain that she knew all too well but another part of her was detached, critical in the face of emotion. She knew that he needed to feel this, that he needed to understand what it felt like and not because she wanted revenge but because to truly appreciate the love of another, one had to have it ripped away first.

She hoped that maybe, given time and more than a little self discovery, he would love again and be truly loved in return.

They stood there for a long time; the minutes slipped into hours and Edward grew quiet but he continued to hold her. Neither of them grew tired, her back did not ache from being held against his hunched body, her feet did not feel the need to shuffle. She was immortal, he was immortal, but they would never spend their eternity together and she was finally, truly okay with that.

When Edward gave her one final back breaking squeeze and released his vice-like hold she knew that he had already jumped one hurdle; he had admitted defeat.

He wouldn't meet her eye but his hands were tender on her arms, his thumbs stroking over her bare skin once more before he let go and stepped back. She watched him walk across the living room at a calm, human pace and pick up the jacket that he didn't need from the hook by the front door. He slipped his arms into it and pulled the collar up as if he were preparing to fend off the cold.

When he spoke, it was to the floor in front of him. "I'm sorry."

"Me too." A whisper, an understanding.

And then he was gone.


	22. Chapter 22

_Several Years Later..._

The grass was thick and lush for this area of the country; it had clearly been a prosperous summer for Nunavut. Jasper was always saying that it was global warming, he was convinced that one day the northern countries would be tropical. He said that the world was changing with every year and being a vampire only made that stand out to him all the more. I teased him when he got going on it, his arms waving about and that glint of enthusiasm in his eyes, but the reality was that he was probably right. I loved it when he told me stories of what the world used to look like long before I was born. Jasper was a natural born story teller and I could listen to the smooth cadence of his voice as he wove a story so vivid that I could see the clouds of dust following a galloping horse across the open plains of Texas before skyscrapers marred her beautiful skies. When he got into a story that sweet southern drawl came out in his voice and I would smile with my eyes closed, my head in his lap, and his hand in my hair.

Just like that day on the couch, so many years ago.

But I couldn't bring it in me to care if Alaska suddenly became a tropical paradise and Mexico froze over, as long as my husband was there to run wild with me through it.

Jasper and I had gotten married about five years after the year that I was changed. It had been a small and quiet affair, something that we had both agreed upon. We had decided to go back to his home to do it; he had purchased the land that his family farm had once existed on years before he had met the Cullens. He told me about it casually one day and I knew that that would be the perfect place for us to officially start the rest of our lives together. When we arrived I had found a small farmhouse that had been artfully restored; the porch was deep and wide, wrapping around one side of the white washed house. There were several large windows on each floor, flooding the empty rooms with beautiful Texas light. The grass grew tall around us, as deep as my waist in some places, and it had seemed to dance in the light breeze that floated over the open ground. I had stopped on the gravel path that led up to the front door and spun to face Jasper.

" _This is your family home." It was not a question._

_Jasper was not looking at her, his golden eyes were glued to the house in front of them. They swept over the frame, the deep porch, the high slope of the roof and the small round window that let light into the attic. He didn't turn to her when he answered._

" _It took me a long time to buy this property and even longer to restore the house," a small smile lit his face, "I have Esme to thank for that. She worked miracles on this house."_

" _You grew up here?" Bella's voice was soft._

_He nodded, his blonde hair reflecting the sun, "I wish I could remember it."_

_Bella gazed up at the house and tried to picture a younger, less world worn Jasper. Her hand slipped into his, twining their fingers together, in a silent gesture of support._

I had worn a simple white summer dress with a pair of low heeled sandals—Charlotte had insisted after she saw me trip over a small cactus. Peter will _never_ let me live that one down. Jasper had been simply dressed in a pair of black slacks and a white dress shirt rolled at the elbows and not a tie in sight. He had looked simply lickable and not even Emmett's snickering at the eye fuck I had given my now-husband was capable of killing the mood. Especially when he gave me that grin of his, you know, the one that makes men and women alike fall all over themselves.

" _I really shouldn't be wearing virginal white," Bella muttered to herself._

_Charlotte snorted indelicately at her back as she finished zipping up the dress. Her red eyes danced with mirth as she and Bella shared a grin through the mirror they were standing in front of._

" _Honey, the majority of the women who wear pure white at their wedding are some of the biggest whores in the world."_

_Bella threw her head back and laughed, it was a full and lovely sound, free of the stereotypical pre-wedding nerves._

" _I think you just called me one of the biggest whores in the world!"_

_Charlotte winked as she smoothed the thin straps over Bella's shoulders, "It's a compliment, sweetcheeks."_

I knelt onto the soft earth in front of me, not because Jasper was giving me one of his "come hither" looks but because I was back at the spot that held so many memories for me—both joyous and painful.

The trees had grown since that fateful day, the roots were thicker where they surrounded this peaceful resting place, and though there was no physical indication of it I knew exactly where the two men lay. I placed the flowers that I had brought for them on each of their respective graves before settling down with my legs crossed in what had become a yearly ritual for me.

I come back here every year on the day these two men died and I paid my respects to them. I didn't apologise anymore, I knew that it was useless, so instead I told them about how the year had unfolded for me—where we had been, what we had done, what new things I had discovered. They knew about my PhD in English Literature and the second one I was currently working on in Linguistics. Or the time I got caught in a supermarket in New York when the sun unexpectedly came out and had to wander the aisles for hours without raising suspicions. They heard all about our wedding in Texas and our subsequent honeymoon throughout the UK. They knew that Charlotte had become an unexpected friend and that Peter was secretly the biggest softie in the vampire world—I had caught him singing along to The Sound of Music and sobbing like a child when Bambi's mother died. He had, of course, tried to swear me to secrecy but when he realized that that wouldn't work with me he simply denied it, told Jasper that my gift was going to my head and that perhaps I was a little off my rocker.

They knew that my gift had progressed greatly and that I had full control of it now. It was tied to my strength as a vampire; I could only lift and move things that I was capable of moving and lifting with my own two hands. I couldn't push a sky scraper over but Emmett discovered the hard way that attempting to out run me in a car was futile—I had thrown it into the ocean, with him in it. They knew about the ups and the downs—about Alice's estrangement from the family, about Edward's wandering and Rosalie's consistently cold shoulder. They were witness to the second slip up I had, the one that resulted in the creation of another vampire. Bree had stayed with Carlisle and Esme for the first few years of her new life before deciding to move on. She had never really forgiven me for turning her and it was only then that I understood how Jasper had felt all those months when I was trying to come to terms with a life I hadn't initially wanted.

" _I—I d-did it a-a-again," Bella stuttered, her words barely getting through the sobs that wracked her prone body._

_She had fled the scene of her crime as soon as Carlisle had arrived, forgoing the refuge of Jasper's waiting arms for the penance that she knew she needed to serve. She had jumped in the first car she found and drove until she reached this site, the place where she had lost it once before, the wild forests of Northern Canada. She hadn't even bothered to kill the engine before she had shot across the yard of the house she had once called home and through the woods, retracing a familiar path until she was able to throw herself to the ground at the feet of the two dead men as if they could somehow bestow a just punishment for her._

" _I'm so sorry," she cried, curled up on her side, her hand stretched over the nearest grave, "I didn't mean to. She was in a car accident and all I could smell was her blood."_

_She lay there for a long time before she heard his soft footfalls. She knew he would come._

" _Oh, darlin'", he slid his arms underneath her body and scooped her up so that he could hold her, "I'm so sorry."_

"Edward's back from Cambodia," I said, running my fingers through the grass over the first hunter's grave, "I never did understand why he went there in the first place. I mean, he sticks out like a sore thumb! We're supposed to keep the secret, right? Well why would he go to a country where the sun shines almost every day and everyone except him has a perma-tan? Because he's an idiot, that's why."

"He said that he just wanted to see the country since he had never been there before and I guess I can understand that, but still. Either way, he's back now and he's been driving Jasper up the walls. I wonder if they've killed each other yet..."

" _Why are you going to Cambodia?" Emmett asked, curiously._

" _Because I've never been there," Edward replied lazily, flipping through a travel magazine._

_Jasper snorted beside Bella and Edward's jaw clenched at whatever Jasper was thinking at the time. She rolled my eyes, they would never get along but at least they were civil to each other in the same house. The same could not always be said for Edward and Bella. In my defence, she thought to herself, I never bait Edward the way Jasper does, I only react to some of the inane things he says._

_Honestly, Jasper was the poster child for patience when compared with Bella and she no longer had her newborn temper to blame for it._

_Thankfully, they didn't do these get-together's all that often. Bella and Jasper were due to hop on a plane in a few days anyway. He had some acquaintances in the Amazons and she was dying to go there for the first time._

It had taken us all a long time to get to where we were today. Edward had disappeared for several years, he didn't contact anyone in the family at all and we weren't even sure if he was still alive. Of course, Rosalie blamed me. That was the first time I decked her. It had been more than a little liberating, Emmett wasn't too pleased though. Still, he forgave me. The second time it was because she had poured sugar into my BMW bike for reasons still unknown and that time Emmett didn't stop me from going after her. I had developed a love of the fast and the dangerous when I was still human and fucking around on dirt bikes with Jacob but when I became an immortal that love turned into an obsession. So the deliberate sabotage of my baby made me seriously considered taking her head off and making it into a candle holder but Jasper convinced me that it would be unwise to kill my brother's wife. Still, bitch wasn't allowed within ten feet of my bike anymore. If I needed a mechanic, I went elsewhere.

"Edward said that he hadn't heard anything from Alice in about a year...He and Alice were always close and I think her disappearance hurts him but he tries to hide it, especially from Jasper. I don't think that they'll ever get along but I wouldn't expect them to, not really. Jasper never really had very much in the tolerance department and Edward still requires copious amounts of it. As for Alice...well, I hope that she's okay wherever she is. She said something about following a vision when she left Carlisle and Esme's home. I know that they trust her to find her way back to them and to be safe but honestly? If someone just told me they were going to 'follow a vision' and then disappear for years, I'd have a bloody problem with it!"

The truth was, I was a little worried about Alice myself. We had made our amends, eventually, and while I'll probably always think she's a little too wrapped up in her own head and we'll never be the "sisters" she had envisioned, we had bridged the gap between us and I had enjoyed hearing from her. She and Jasper had discussed and worked through their issues. They weren't friends, they didn't seek each other out but, like Edward and I, they were able to get along for the most part.

" _Oh, Bella,_ please _don't buy that god awful thing!"_

_Bella sighed into her mobile and looked at the leather bike jacket she was holding in her hands. She should have known that she would hear from Alice._

" _What's wrong with it Alice? It's a bike jacket, not a prom dress!"_

" _But's_ green! _Green is not your colour Bella!"_

" _You have_ got _to be shitting me Alice," she said, looking at the forest green leather that was barely discernable amongst all the black, "it's mostly black and like I said before, this isn't a bloody prom dress it's because I can't very well be riding a bike without the basic necessities and my old one got ripped a few days ago."_

" _Yes well, perhaps you should be less rough with it," she said, her voice taking on a curious tone._

" _If you don't want to see it, stop watching my future," Bella said into the phone too quick for any human to hear._

" _I can't stop the visions sometimes! And really, did he have to rip it off of you?" she demanded._

" _Yes," she chuckled, "actually, he did."_

_She sighed and Bella just knew she was rolling her pretty little eyes. She turned and walked towards the counter where there was a girl with too many piercings and not enough clothing on looking bored with life. She knew the moment Alice had seen her decision because the pathetic sigh turned into an even more pathetic groan._

_Bella grinned._

I plucked a few random weeds from the graveside as I continued to ramble about all that had happened in the last year. Neither Jasper nor I could stomach the idea of more high school, especially in Jasper's case, and so we simply wandered. We went from city to city, staying for anywhere from a few weeks to few years and then leaving. I had gotten my first PhD in Luxemburg but the nature of my second, the study of languages, created the perfect excuse for the young Mr and Mrs. Whitlock to travel the world.

" _Look Jasper! Who am I?"_

_Bella held her pose with all the perfection that her vampire nature afforded her but her eyes gave her away, they danced with excitement. Jasper looked her up and down as she stood on the stone steps of the Piazza in Rome and a little grin graced his stern mouth._

" _Hmm..." he mused, putting a hand to his chin as if it was an extremely difficult puzzle, "Barbara Streisand?"_

"What! _" Bella jumped down crossed her arms over her chest, "Try Julius Caesar, smart ass!"_

" _That's your idea of Caesar? I'll show you Caesar!"_

_He jumped up onto the platform that she had been standing on and made the classic hero pose; one arm cocked and the other straight up into the air._

" _That's not Caesar! That's Marvel's worst nightmare! All you're missing is a pair of tights and a cape," Bella said, arms still over her chest but a grin dancing across her face._

_Jasper laughed, "You'd like me in a pair of tights, wouldn't you?"_

" _Well, now that you mention it..."_

In fact, we wouldn't be staying here for very long. The Cullens knew of my annual trip to Canada to pay my respects to the two men who had lost their lives at my hands and this year they had asked to meet us here. Considering that we hadn't seen them in a while we agreed. With a sigh, I rose fluidly and walked away from the two graves. I had been gone for quite a while and it was more than time for me to head back, if only to keep peace between Edward and Jasper.

It didn't take me long to get back to the house and as I walked in through the French doors, which had once been the ever breaking patio door, I found Edward and Rosalie arguing and Emmett studiously ignoring them while he played a game. I looked around and found Esme sketching in a book, engrossed in her work and her tongue between her teeth.

"Where's Jasper?"

"Upstairs with Carlisle, dear," she said, not taking her eyes off of her sketch.

I frowned and went upstairs. Why would Jasper be with Carlisle? They never had heart to heart talks or anything even remotely similar since Jasper was no longer part of Carlisle's coven. Technically, according to vampire custom Jasper and I were our own coven since we claimed no other ties and we wandered constantly. Of course, we still had alliances and loyalties, everyone knew we were friends to the Cullens even before they got a look at our unusual eyes; the Denali coven called us allies along with several others that we had met along our travels or who had known Jasper from before I was turned.

I walked quickly up the stairs and followed my ears to Carlisle's study, my uneasiness growing. The fact that it was only Carlisle speaking to Jasper made me think that this was one coven leader speaking to another and that worried me.

"Knock, knock?" the door was already partially open and I slid it the rest of the way out with my foot.

They were standing in the middle of Carlisle's study, their arms similarly crossed over their chests and their feet set wide apart as if they had been standing there for a while. With the sun shining in the large windows behind Carlisle's desk on the opposite side of the room their skin sparkled and their similarly blonde hair glowed. It was a little disconcerting to see how similar they looked in that instance, so similar that they could have been blood brothers.

"I'll get back to you on it, Carlisle," Jasper nodded curtly to the older vampire and walked out of the room without waiting for an answer.

Passing me, I felt his hand slip into mine seconds before he tugged on it and we were heading down the hall towards the room that we called "ours" when we stayed here. It had once been Carlisle and Esme's, they had graciously let us take it from them. Jasper led me into the room and shut the door behind us but while I had the intention of interrogating my husband within an inch of his immortal life, he had other ideas.

Swiftly, I was in his arms and pinned against the door of the bedroom, the hook that normally held a robe knocked askew by the force of my rather impenetrable skull.

"Jasper?"

Translation: What's wrong?

"I love you, you know?"

Translation: Not yet.

Lips meet the skin of my neck and I acquiesce, just this once. His mouth latches over that spot, the one that fits perfectly to his teeth and I arch into him. There's something primal about him reclaiming that spot, the one where he made me _his_.

My arms wrap around his shoulders, legs around waist, like a vice. Pull in, closer, closer, too much clothing.

We don't fumble.

We rip.

One of the benefits of being an immortal being is that having denim ripped off of your body doesn't actually hurt and when your husband has enough money to replace your entire wardrobe and then some you end up ripping a lot of jeans.

My hands explore flesh. Dips and bumps, scars that tell a different story, each one. Not one of them lived to tell the tale. Good thing, too, or I'd kill them. The pads of my fingers slide over shoulder blades, dip into the valley of his back, tracing discs of a spine that arches into my touch. When I reach the swell of his ass I grin in triumph. And squeeze.

"You have a serious problem."

I don't know what he's talking about, he loves it, too.

"What can I say? I'm an ass woman."

He grins, a flash of perfect teeth surrounded by a heartbreaking smile. It's the same grin he gave me the day he tried to teach me how to walk at a human pace. The same one he gave me as he waited for me at the end of our modest aisle. The one he flashes at me whenever he wants something and he knows I'm not going to like it. And then I give in. Because I'm a sucker for that grin. Amen.

I can feel him against my stomach. Hard. Silken. Leaking.

"Bed."

One word. More of a grunt, really. I don't mind the bed, or the door, floor, whatever.

He moves so fast that a human eye would have never been able to process it. As it stands, I feel like the world _almost_ blurs to me, too. Suddenly I'm flat on my back and the mattress is dipping under our combined weight.

And then it's lips.

Lips and skin. Hand in hair. Teeth on curves. Tongue in navel. Lower, lower, _yes_.

Suddenly his mouth is on me and I'm making _those_ sounds again; the ones I can't seem to contain every time this man touches me. It doesn't matter that it makes me sound like the cheapest porn star known to man; they just roll off of my tongue. I arch and he throws my legs over his shoulders. More, more, more, _ohfuckinggodrightthere._ Lips pull and suck; tiny, hard flicks alternate with soft, flat strokes of a devilish tongue and suddenly I'm _right there_.

If there had been any doubt about what we were doing, it was suddenly gone.

I didn't fall over the precipice that was my orgasm. I was fucking _thrown_.

What a way to go.

I rode out the pleasure, my muscles clenching and twisting with it, the majority of my brain unable to focus on the world around me for the longest time. My toes curled and I took deep, unnecessary breaths as the waves ebbed and I slowly came down from my high. I could feel Jasper pressing soft kisses against the insides of my thighs, slowly working his way up over my hip and to my stomach.

"Well," I said slowly, a small grin on my face, "What was that all about?"

He pressed his face into my stomach and nipped at my navel before he sat up, propping himself up on an arm.

"I just needed to be close to you," he said, simply.

"Well, I suggest you get closer," I waggled my eyebrows at him.

He shook his head and kissed the bottom of my rib cage, "I'm okay."

"Okay?" I question, sitting up so that I could prop myself up on my elbows to look at him better, "Does this have anything to do with what you and Carlisle were talking about?"

He looks at me. Hesitates.

I glare.

"Don't you dare," I warn him, "Don't do that protecting me bullshit. Tell me."

He sighs and drops his head to my stomach, "It's Alice."

He mumbles it into my skin but I hear it nonetheless.

Perfect, that's exactly what I want to talk about after my husband just went to the Bella buffet: His ex-wife. My kinda-sorta, I'm not really sure, sister.

"Okay, you're going to have to explain that one because this would probably be one of the worst times to bring up your ex-wife," I tell him, running my fingers through his hair.

He throws an arm over my waist and looks up at me, "You know how she left to follow her visions?"

I nod. Everyone knows this.

"Well, she wasn't specific but when she left she did tell Carlisle a bit of what she saw."

"Of _course_ , she did. Of _course_ she wasn't specific," I rolled my eyes, "she wouldn't be Alice if she didn't. And what did she tell him that's got you so worried?"

"It could mean trouble for us," he said, softly, his golden eyes looked almost sad.

"Us?" I repeated, dumbly, frowning at him, "As in you and I?"

"And the rest of the Cullens, probably, but definitely you and I," he took a deep breath, "Victoria isn't dead you know."

"Yes but...what would she have to do with this?" I frowned. I barely remembered her. The only memory I could drag up of her was a hazy vision of bright red hair.

"James was her mate; she wants vengeance for his death."

"But Edward was the one who killed her..." I trailed off, my hand still in his hair, "Not that I want Edward to get hurt, or be her target, but I don't see what this has to do with me."

"Because she thinks that Edward is your mate, that he loves you, and in that respect she's right. He does love you," I opened my mouth to say 'not anymore' but Jasper cut me off, "don't argue with an empath, he loves you. Why do you think I can't stand to be around him? I don't want to feel the love he has for _my_ wife!"

I grabbed his hand; he didn't need the extra skin to skin contact since we were both naked and entangled but it had become our thing, the way we communicated support. It had started out as a way for me to comfort him when he had been stressed out and it had continued as our relationship wore on; it was my way of showing him that I didn't care if Edward still loved me.

"So, she wants to hurt him by killing me, the same way he hurt her by killing James."

"Maybe," he squeezed my hand, "but like I said, Alice's visions were really vague and Victoria was only in one of them. She may not even be after you anymore but...I highly doubt that."

"Why? She hasn't bothered us in _years_ and it's not like I'm human anymore, I'm hardly an easy target."

"Because I felt her bond with James, it was strong, and if I were her and it had been you taken away from me I wouldn't stop until I had killed everyone who even _knew_ your murderer."

I nodded absently, I knew what he meant. I would kill anyone who tried to take him away from me and then go after everyone who had been even remotely connected with it.

My eyes swept over the photograph on my bedside table; it was an old photograph, from when my parents were still married, but it was one of the few that I had and I took it with me everywhere. Charlie was retired now and still living in Forks. He had married Sue Clearwater, something that I had only learned about years after it had happened. My memories of my father were the clearest, the years in Forks away from my mother and then in Alaska had made my recollection of her face, the lines in her skin and the scent of her hair, harder to recapture in my mind. Still, I visited her grave whenever I could and I hoped that she was watching me, from wherever she was. I hoped she knew I was happy.

There was very little left of my human family; Charlie had moved on, finally. My case had been closed as just another girl in America who went missing and was never heard from again. It happened all the time; I was no exception to the rule. I often wished that I could have told him that I was fine, that I was okay, I was happy, but I couldn't risk him like that. Just like I couldn't risk anyone else I had known; Chrissy and Danny had graduated and moved on. I kept tabs on them but it hurt to know that they were still friends, they met for coffee twice a week, and that I was excluded simply because it was too dangerous for them to know me.

There were few things in life that would last for my eternity, even fewer relationships that would withstand that test of time.

I pulled Jasper up to me, wrapping myself around him and claiming his mouth at the same time his body claimed mine. I had this man, this love, this mate and I knew I was blessed for it.

I would hold on to him with everything in me.

I would kill anyone who tried to take him from me.


End file.
